Surprise, Another Book!

I also bought another amazing book. Surprise. I hate reading, right? This one's called The Uncommon Woman: Making an Ordinary Life an Extraordinary One. And another surprise, the very first page already has a million jillion things that I like. It's amazing to me that these are all things I think about, but cannot seem to conjure up the way a "real" author does.

1. Accepting acceptance means having the courage to face foibles, without allowing them to diminish our value.
2. Refuse to let others define you, because GOD already has.
3. We learn to understand who we are by knowing whose we are.
4. People are not what they do-- they are people God loves.

"The uncommon woman believes the wonderful truth about herself. Moreover, she has the capacity to view others from this same heavenly perspective. Bursting from her heart is the conviction to do something about the injustices in her world. She walks with a purity that allows her to see God everywhere. And the Kingdom of God is so strong in her life that everywhere she places her feet suddenly becomes an uncommon and holy place-- because she's there. You can be that woman. You were meant to be that woman."

Hope in the Fog

I purchased a book from Lifeway yesterday. It is called The One Year Book of Encouragement: 365 Days of Inspiration and Wisdom for Your Spiritual Journey. "Fred Smith maintains that 'hope is the healthy mental condition of the normal Christian.' He says that if we are to live as Christians, we do so with hope-- even when situations seem hopeless."

I know, I know, it's very LAME that I have come to depend on a book to get through some days. By the way, this was for December 28th.

"Fred recounts a time when the president of a large corporation [facing bankruptcy] came to him to talk about the pressures he was under. Many of the factors that had wrecked the company were beyond his control (KEY!), and he faced tough, divisive meetings. Fred reminded this executive of the dangers of hopelessness. 'We are never to be without hope,' he told him, 'because we are never without help.' AMEN. On more than one occasion, Fred visited a friend who saw nothing good ahead and was considering suicide. He challenged the man to demonstrate hope, emphasizing that hope is not in productivity or material wealth. Enemies of hope invade our lives like toxic fog. A spouse deserts the family. Job losses devastate another family. An accident takes a loved one on whom many had pinned their hopes. The tragedies of our lives are endlessly and variously and painfully unique to each soul. For inspiration, Fred turned to Romans 5, with its ringing declaration of our lively hope. When we feel hope has deserted us, we would do well to read and re-read these verses: 'We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because He has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with His love.' Fred declares from the promise of Scripture and long experience, 'Hope is the birthright of the Christian.'

Well. CLEARLY God knew I needed to read this book. He has pinned exactly what I've been feeling over the past few months. I've had this feeling that something was coming to an end; and while I know I'm about to start with something new, it didn't always suffice to know that. I must learn to be content with what the LORD is blessing me with. And I mean blessing me with now; not what I could be "missing" out on, but what He is doing in my life now. I wake up in the morning with air in my lungs, things to think about, experiences to experiences, people to meet and help, friends to continue conversation with. Really, what more could I ask for?

Judgment

Judgment. Such a small word for such a thing. What does judgment look like? Do we really only judge by appearances, like most people think; or does judgment come in a variety of ways? Is it speaking out of turn or acting out of haste and fear? Well, I think it could be any of these. Simple, quick judgments that value great character can destroy someone's morale. Why is this so commonplace? John 7:24 says, "Stop judging by mere appearances, and make a right judgment." We think it's not so difficult, but we don't really know what this looks like. Day in and day out, we pass judgment upon one another- whether it's a smirk or a face or meeting someone you've never talked to before. Surely we can all relate, and I am guilty of it just as much as one. We are afraid of what we don't know; afraid to hear the truth; afraid that our judgments were incorrect and now we look foolish. Romans 14:13 says, "Therefore, let us STOP passing judgment on one another. Instead, make up your mind not to put ANY stumbling block or obstacle in your brother's way." Whatever affliction there may be, get rid of it! Who wants to live with this heavy world dragging upon their shoulders? "Give everyone what you owe him: If you owe taxes, pay taxes; if revenue, then revenue; if respect, then respect; if honor, then honor." I love this verse (Romans 13:7). We are to be joyful in our relations with one another, doing everything out of love; learning not to pass judgment, because then we are blasphemous in trying to do the Lord's job.

LOVE

I started reading "Redeeming Love" again the other night. I began at midnight and finished the novel by 3 in the morning. It was quite ridiculous; I couldn't put the book down. I had this craving for the captivating writing of Francine Rivers; but what was more, I needed a glimpse into my own soul. What do I feel about love? What IS love? What does it look like, and how do I view it personally? What does it take to keep it alive; without going stagnant, like our faith can do? If it's a lifetime commitment, then why has it turned into something that makes us unworthy of keeping our promises?

The LORD never fails us in His love. His love is perfect, flawless, blameless in every way. When I think about it, I used to shun the idea of "love" when I was a teenager. It never stirred in my mind; why should it have? I was busy. School consumed my life. Being the perfect student consumed my life. Deep down, I figure it ended up creating this pit of doubts: Why was I not good enough? Why was everyone else good enough? What was wrong? What was the root of this cynicism and guarded nature? Those answers never come easily, and they still haven't. As for now, I'm called to return to the love of the One whose will never fail. As hard as it is, I must tell myself that I am worthy- I am beautiful- in the eyes of the LORD. He has shone His favor upon me; and how lucky I am to have won the heart of the Savior and Creator of the universe- of love itself!

1 Corinthians 13:4
Love is patient.
Love is kind.
It does not envy.
It does not boast.
It is not proud.
It is not rude.
It is not self-seeking.
It is not easily angered.
It keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices in truth.
It always protects.
It always trusts.
It always hopes.
It always perseveres.
Love never fails.

Let Us Return

"God moves in mysterious ways, His wonders to perform." -William Cowper

"Love God, love others. Love with strength and passion and purpose, and no matter what comes, don't weaken. That is the way back to Eden. Loving is the way back to life." -Francine Rivers

Hosea 6:1 "Come, let us return to the LORD; for He has torn, that He may heal us; He has stricken, that He will bind us up."

"Whose love but the LORD's is so connective, strengthening, powerful, redemptive, and healing?" -Myself

Joy of the LORD

Deuteronomy 16:15 "For the LORD your God will bless in all your harvest and in all the work of your hands, are your joy will be complete!"

John 15:17 "This is my command: Love each other."

Habakkuk 3:18 "Yet I will rejoice in the LORD; I will be joyful in God my Savior."

Simple and True

1 Timothy 6:20 says, "Turn away from godless chatter and the opposing ideas of what is falsely called knowledge, which some have professed and-- in so doing-- have wandered from the faith." This is saying that we face many ungodly things in a day, but it is our job as followers of the LORD to put everything we have in Him; that doubts are corrosive and make us fearful of attempting things.

The Temptation of Jesus

Photo: Eleos School of Ministry and Practical Theology

In Matthew 4, Jesus says, "Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God." Amen! We are told NEVER to put the LORD our God to the test- why? Well, most of all, because we would lose. Big time. Worship the LORD your God and serve Him only. This means that we are to do whatever He asks us out of love; and gratitude for His great love. Temptation to toss the Lord's will-- seems pretty awful-- is actually quite a necessary part of the ministry. Yes, it is NECESSARY! This is because, unlike mankind, Jesus didn't need to tempted in the garden to grow, but only to identify with us. He sacrificed Himself so that we might live, being blameless in His sight. We are beautiful to Him. He calls us to Him in every way possible, and so we give Jesus the authority (by fearing Him) to heal the damage that we have done ourselves. Jesus came to teach, never to impress.

Faithfulness

Psalm 57:10 "Your love, O LORD, reaches to the heavens. Your faithfulness stretches to the sky."

Lamentations 3:23 "Great is Your faithfulness! I say to myself, 'The LORD is my portion; therefore, I will wait for Him."

Psalm 91:4 "His faithfulness will be my shield."

Finish the Race, My Beloved

Psalm 40:8 "I desire to do Your will, O God; Your law is within my heart."

Psalm 143:10 "Teach me to do Your will, O God; for You are my God. May Your spirit lead me..."

Matthew 26:39 "Yet not as I will, but as You will."

Acts 20:24 "I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task that the LORD has given me."

Ephesians 5:17 "Do not be foolish, but understand what the LORD's will is."

Philippians 2:13 "For it is God who works in You to will and to act according to His good purpose."

Seek the LORD

Psalm 34:4 "I sought the LORD and He answered Me! He delivered me from all my fears."

Psalm 34:18 "The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those crushed in spirit."

Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the LORD and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him, and He will set straight your paths."

Life Throws You Curves

Oh, goodness. How long it's been since I've had time to write; and whether it's time or anything to say, I suppose, is the question. I suppose that there really isn't a lot to say. The past month and a half has been quite crazy, to be truthful, with preparing for my internship, being ALL done with school (but not walking until May), and deciding on a graduate program. Since August, I've really been praying about going into ministry. I had tried to start off in so many other directions and felt the Lord was calling me to this- for good- this time. But as my doubts always seem to throw me off course, there as an influx of people asking, "Well, what about this and what about these things?" and I kind of went a little crazy. I surely thought that something so relative to being the hands and feet of Jesus would be fulfilling in that way; but of course we always battle spiritual warfare, since it is our commoners that question us. Proverbs 16: 2-3 reads, "All a man's ways seem innocent to him, but motives are weighed by the Lord. Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans WILL succeed." How merciful is the Lord upon us that all we must do is commit to the Lord; submit to Him out of love and fear for who He is; and we will succeed. This, again, doesn't always mean "success" in the tangible ways we want it to- money, praise of other men, etc. But the joy of the Lord will be our strength. That was something I forgot when, out of NOWHERE, I felt God calling me back into Nursing. Am I crazy? I quit Nursing for a reason; of course those reason related to comparing myself and telling myself I wasn't smart enough to be admitted to the program. I was a hard worker, but I didn't see any tangible evidence that I would be able to maintain the grades. So I started thinking about music or ministry or something. I graduated with a B.S. in Human Services, Community Health, and Nutrition. But where am I going with that? Through all of this, I have felt a tug on my heart that my desire is to serve the Lord in travel, by caring for people. My ideal career setting is ministry, yes- but the ministry field is everywhere- I want to be in a hospital. I am willing to work very hard again to try to succeed in this, even though it will be painful, no doubt. I am trying to feel as confident as I can this time, about where the Lord is calling me. The thing is: don't question the Lord. He will lead your paths straight. He always does!

Doubts

The reality of life is that it is never a done deal. Its components are never certain. You can feel called to something- you can go after it- but sometimes it just won't work out. I have come up against doubts in everything I've ever wanted to do. I went after some of these things, and I gave others up. I regret allowing others to influence my success. I wasn't passionate enough about music, even though it fills every aspect of my life. I wasn't 'smart' enough to pursue medicine, even though I took coursework for it for nearly 3 semesters before giving up. I have never been defined by giving up. It's not something I like to do. So why do I let the world around me influence me? The past few months I've really been struggling with whether or not to pursue ministry. I have looked at Master's programs for worship arts, youth ministry, and global leadership. I told my dad about my plans to apply for 5 different programs I'd been looking at, and all the doubts that I thought God had given me peace about, came flooding back. He knows that I want to travel; that my heart needs to be sustained by the love and joy that come from those around the world who may have nothing. I have been blessed with things my entire life. What do I know of the sufferings of these people? The one thing I know is that I NEED to experience this. When will it be my turn? So I told my dad all of these things, and all he could think about was the comfort access. "Well, you don't eat meat. Could you really survive there? Would you be OKAY living there for weeks, months? There are a lot of issues you need to work through before your mom and I allow you to do that...." "How long can someone work in youth ministry? What will you still be doing when you're 40, 50 years old?" "What is the average salary for someone like that? Maybe $20,000 a year? I mean, that's okay, but...." And all of these dumb doubts just come flooding back! I thought I had such a peace about ministry. I really felt called to it; that I had finally found the thing I was supposed to do: invest in the lives of people.

So now I'm back to the drawing board, re-considering medicine, which is CRAZY. I gave up nursing because I felt too stupid to be admitted into the program. I put myself through misery for 3 semesters of pre-reqs, only to tell myself that I was one of maybe 50 that would get in, out of hundreds of applicants. Not to mention that science and math were NOT my strong suits. I was meant to pursue English or the arts; or History; or something else. Music. Not math and science. So I felt comfortable changing my major to Human Services and Community Health. This still allowed me to focus on health and community leadership, but from aspects such as family structure, poverty, socioeconomic status. But somewhere inside, I was still yearning to be in medicine. It was my dream to be a surgeon or work as an emergency nurse. I have lived my life putting academic pressure on myself. I define who I am by my grades and how much homework I can do. If I receive a B grade, I have failed. I know it's not a healthy way to try to succeed without crossing repeated disappointment, but it's how I function. I strive to do well.
So now I'm looking at going back into science. I feel like I'm losing my mind, going crazy for thinking to attempt this again. I sent a request for information for an MS in Clinical Sciences with an emphasis in Critical Care/Emergency. I don't know if I am giving in and going back, or accepting doubts about ministry. I really have no idea, but I know I don't like this feeling that I have in my heart. It hurts. I've tried so hard to allow the Lord to lead me, and I was successful with it for the first time this semester, praying each day that God would just give me strength to get through that day and that day only; that He would lead me boldly and confidently and with love. So what am I doing wrong? Where am I supposed to go? What am I supposed to be pursuing?

Shining as Stars

When I look into the painted sky
I see so many colors
They're all a part of Your design
It's such a brilliant display

I love the way the stars shine for You
And every single mountain bows down
I love the way the universe is singing Your song
So I'll try to sing along

Looking up into the dark blue night
I'm in awe of Your power
The way the moon pulls the ocean's tide
You are never contained

I love the way the stars shine for You
And every single mountain bows down
I love the way the universe is singing Your song
So I'll try to sing along

All the world is singing Your song
I raise my voice and sing along

I love the way the stars shine for You
I love the way the stars shine for You

I love the way the stars shine for You
And every single mountain bows down
I love the way the universe is singing Your song

I love the way the stars shine for You
And every single mountain bows down
I love the way the universe is singing Your song

This song is amazing! I have it on repeat and have been listening to it for hours. The music never gets old, and the lyrics are really powerful. At Bible study tonight, we discussed the book of Philippians. We're working through one chapter a week, and so tonight was numero dos. The chapter centered around "imitating Christ's humility" and "shining as stars." Philippians 2:4 reads, "Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others." This is what love is: other-person focused; constantly uplifting and encouraging one other to grow. We can grow in a number of different ways, and this is pretty evident by some of the lessons we learn and fail at over and over again. When we look at the life of Jesus, we see that He "did not consider equality with God something to be grasped," but instead reduced Himself to nothing and then died for each and every one of us. How beautiful of an image is THAT?!

The second section of this chapter focuses on how we truly become God's beloved children. We will "shine like stars in the universe as we hold out the word of life." That is another beautiful image to me. I think of how I hate darkness and being in it. As soon as I light a candle or turn on the smallest light, I am comforted. This is how the Lord's love is. We're constantly tossed around in this dark place. We're easily confused, angry, frustrated, and our faith becomes stagnant. We are fine with settling, as long as we know "Christ will still be there no matter what." But I want to fully experience God's love. I need Him to BE my light. "It is God who works in YOU to will and to act according to His good purpose." His GOOD purpose. This means that He knows what He's doing, and we don't, plain and simple. I love thinking that He created this entire universe, and as Christians we're called to light up the world. So amazing!

Abundance

Climb the mountains and get their good tidings. Nature's peace will flow into you as sunshine flows into trees. The winds will blow their own freshness into you, and the storms their energy, while cares will drop off like autumn leaves. -John Muir

I truly believe this! I spent last Saturday hiking in beautiful Estes Park with my cousin. Both of us were fascinated by God's beauty; she had never been into Estes, and I had not had the time to go hiking since the Mt. Evans 14'er my freshman year. I felt so many things during those few hours. On the way up, I just had this stream of thoughts passing through my head. I had the clearest air in my lungs, a camera in hand, and no sense of anything that needed accomplishment (such as homework) except for reaching the destination, Gem Lake. When we finally reached the lake, I was able to relax and know that God is who He says He is. He will give peace, if only I ask for it. If I ask anything in His name, it shall be given mercifully. I sat on that rock by the lake and just closed my eyes. I really couldn't help but smile.


God is good all the time. There are no exceptions. I am amazed-- not at my failures, which are abundant-- but at the abundance of God's grace. Time and time again I have found myself in prayer only when I needed to be. But what does that mean? Was I only praying when I literally didn't think I could get through this semester; when hopes of finding an internship and graduating were put on hold? I certainly hope not. But irregardless, the Lord was faithful to me. He gave me hope when I had none. I have continually said this for over the past year when, last September, everything came crashing down. The demands of life took hold of me, and plunged me underwater. These daily demands were not afraid to see me fail, that was for sure, but the Lord still picked me up and carried me through the fire. That is such a beautiful image for me- imagining my Father being the One to carry me when I can't hold myself up. Just as a car won't run unless you fill it with gas, I need to be filled with the Holy Spirit. God is constantly leading me. Each day, I try to find something new. I try to change my attitude and perspective just a little more. I try to look back and see what He has done in my life, and that list is never-ending!

You're Beautiful

Days will come when you don't have the strength
When all you hear is you're not worth anything
Wondering if you ever could be loved
And if they truly saw your heart, they'd see too much

You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are made for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are treasured, you are sacred, you are His
You're beautiful

Praying that you have the heart to fight
Cause you are more than what is hurting you tonight
For all the lies you've held inside so long
They are nothing in the shadow of the cross

You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are made for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are treasured, you are sacred, you are His
You're beautiful

Before you ever took a breath
Long before the world began
Of all the wonders He possessed
There was one more precious
Of all the earth and skies above
You're the one He madly loves enough to die

You're beautiful
You're beautiful in His eyes

You're beautiful
You are made for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You are treasured, you are sacred, you are His
You're beautiful

You're beautiful
You are made for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are treasured, you are sacred, you are His

What Can I Do?

What can I do but offer this heart, O God, completely to You?

For most of my life, I always felt a little out of place. When it came to common sense things, I was a little behind. But when it came to who I really thought I was and what I wanted to do, I was always ahead. I was a pretty passionate person, always striving to look outside the box. I did more than I had to, and I still do. Going above and beyond was my motto for my entire life, especially when it came to schoolwork. I was thinking ahead in terms of careers when I was still in elementary school. The first time I told someone I wanted to go into music someday, I was turned down. Given that I was probably only 12 or 13, it was still a blow to the heart. I thought, Why not? Is something wrong? I was told that I'd never make it- that the people who would go on to be successful were much better than I was, that they practiced more, that they were the ones who really had passion. That was hurtful. I moved on and found myself wanting to go into creative writing. I wanted to write my own books. I had been doing that for a few years already, but never showed them to anyone. Writing was an escape for me. I was easily lost in words and often had no endings in site for what I did write. Again, I was told the same things I had for music. I moved from option to option, trying to land on something that I could choose. After most of my choices had been exhausted, I ended up entering UNC as a pre-nursing major. I felt that I had forced myself into going into the medical field. I was interested, yes, and felt I could develop a passion for nursing. I knew I loved helping people and that blood and guts didn't bother me. After a semester and a half of taking pre-reqs, I discovered that I did like nursing- but I wanted to be more hands on. The idea of sitting in a small clinic, taking blood pressure and entering weight into a computer didn't phase me, and I wanted more, so I started taking classes to be a physician's assistant. This didn't work either. I felt out of place- the passion was there, but I was not tangibly successful. The coursework was grueling and the world kept telling me I would never be able to make it. I dropped both of those things and went into human services. This was where I thought I had found my passion. It was the perfect career- world focused, helpful to people, and broad enough so I could choose a concentration. I chose health, allowing me to focus on things like epidemiology, population-specific illness and disease, nutrition, poverty, socioeconomic status, etc. Those were the things I cared about. I had always had this passion to go work for Doctors Without Borders. My ideal job was living in a hut in Africa, helping people work through disease and prevention. I had the opportunity to finally apply for a mission trip last winter, but then everything came crashing down. I won't go into detail about what happened, but that application I had spent so much time on, those phone calls I had made, those things I had planned around, fell through. It was recommended that I not go on the trip, and it broke my heart. From there, I gave it up. I had been feeling for a long time that I wasn't supposed to go- that there were better people than me who could. Whenever I talked with someone about my passion to just go, I got the feeling I was judged for it. It didn't feel right. Again, that hurt, and I asked God why this kept happening. I had let fear and other people's thoughts completely shut me down. I found myself sitting at home that break, knowing people were all over the world and serving, but I wasn't.

I suppose the problem was that I didn't really know how to mobilize myself. I treasured my life, my blessings, and I didn't want to lose those things. I was literally afraid of losing my life if I went overseas. Here in America, we are bombarded with safety. We all know of places that are unsafe and a little uncomfortable to be in- but to live in conditions where fear is a staple- I had never known that. When I first became involved with the Invisible Children organization in 2005/2006, I was overwhelmed with their passion. I watched the Rough Cut video at a church seminar and fell in love with it. I have followed their updates since. I participated in The Rescue in Denver last fall, and was blessed with the opportunity of hearing some staff members speak at UNC tonight. I met a girl who had come straight from Uganda, along with her mentor. I approached her after the seminar and was just overwhelmed by hearing her story and watching IC's videos. I realized that giving up my passions to serve overseas was the dumbest thing I'd ever done. I instantly wanted to talk to this girl more, but was lucky to get a few minutes. This was one of those situations in which I felt helpless. I knew that the people that had attended the seminar with me felt the same way, and wanted to go tell more people about it like I did. But how? I almost felt outside my own body, like I didn't know who to tell about this. I was convicted throughout the night, thinking back to the conditions that these people in Uganda survive through each minute. Each minute is lived in fear, and there are children who have seen too much before they are even double digits in age. They can survive on ONE dollar a day, and I complain that gas is too expensive and that I already cut into November's stipend the last week of October. I wanted to slap myself, punch myself, anything. But I realized that keeping my passion at my own level was what I needed to do- not let it go, but realizing that my willingness to make these issues and this organization aware and appealing- make me who I am. These are the things that I care about. And the only way organizations like these will make a difference is if we speak out. We underestimate our abilities to change circumstance. I realized tonight that by letting fear and other people's opinions influence what I want to do, that I am stuck in the same hopeless situations many people are- people who cannot fight for themselves. It's a tragedy, and I want to change it. Anyways. I know this was a long entry, but there were things I felt tonight that I've wanted to say for many months. Thanks for listening!

Psalm 32:8-10 says, "I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go. I will counsel you and watch over you. Do not be like the horse or the mule, which have no understanding but must be controlled by bit and bridle or they will not come to you. Many are the woes of the wicked, but the Lord's unfailing LOVE surrounds the man who TRUSTS in Him."

Hope Lives On

The Lord never fails to amaze me. Once again, I spent the semester worrying about finding an internship. Given that He made me wait until my materials were nearly due, He still provided, and I am grateful. I've realized a lot about where He wants me to go and who He wants me to be working with. I had to give up everything that I wanted for myself, in order for Him to reveal Himself through me. Because I did that, I knew something was going to happen- something big. We may feel that we were designed with our own dreams, desires, and hopes. We think we know what we want, and we go for it. But how many times have we begun the race at full speed, only to trip over a pebble in the dirt? How could something so small throw us off completely? Maybe it's something like love, or realizing the Lord calling you to serve in another country. Maybe it's realizing you have to leave everything behind to pursue something different. How many times have we had to look back and ask what went wrong? I know I've had to do this more than I've wanted to. The Lord loves me, and He has graciously given me mercy in this world. He has given me the rights to who I am, yes, but ultimately I have to give it back.

I have read time and time again that we cannot stay the way we are and go with God. We can try, but we fail. And when we fail- when we lose our way- we fall to our knees. Sometimes the only way the soul can cry out is in this position. I have been broken down the past year. Exactly 12 months ago my life was a shred away from being nothing, and I was on my knees. I tried to give the Lord everything I could, but it made things even more painful. I asked God why I had to experience things, and what joy He could possibly obtain from watching me suffer. But the thing is, we all suffer. To every degree, life is not perfect. It will never be perfect. Learning to accept trials and tribulations, as 2 Corinthians 12:10 says- "Because of Christ, I am pleased in weaknesses, insults, catastrophes, persecutions and pressures. For when I am weak, I am strong."

This was something I came up with and wrote tonight. I have times when I have a pen and paper in my hand seconds before I lose what I was thinking. I know I can't put music to it, but it really spoke to me. It made me think about where I was the second week of August, when I came to school. I was miserable, asking myself if I could even make it until Thanksgiving. And now Thanksgiving is nearly here, and I have 5 weeks until everything changes drastically. I wasn't sure how I felt about it, but I know God has a plan through it all.

Are you lost
Are you down
Are you wondering if it's worth it

I've been there
I know the pain that comes with waiting
You can get through this

There is light
There is strength
The Lord's love increases
And hope lives on

We question why
We must experience life
In order to get somewhere

We think we know it all
We can get through it alone
Sacrifice others for ourselves

There is light
There is strength
The Lord's love increases
And hope lives on

There will be a day
Because the Lord wastes nothing
He has created life from chaos

He has sustained us
Given us love and mercy
When we have deserved none

There is light
There is strength
The Lord's love increases
And hope lives on

There is understanding
There is compassion
The Lord's love believes in us
And hope lives on

I broke the cardinal rule (as the seasons go) and blared some Christmas music in my car yesterday! Woo! I apologize, but I had to. It seems I start listening to it earlier every year. I wonder why. Anyway, Christmas music is just one of those little joys that comes with the changing seasons. It's like when the coffee shops bring out their Christmas blends and Christmas cups. I guess I've been struggling to find some good little thing each day. It's been really hard for me, especially recently. But I think continuing to pray that the Lord provides just what I need to get through one day before the next, will help me. I know it's helped so far. I went and got fitted for my skating dress for the show yesterday, and just thinking about the performances in December was enough to make me smile, because skating makes me happy. It was enough to listen to awesome praise and worship music and fellowship with friends last night, too. We talked about vulnerability and what it means to release those burdens we carry around. Isn't a relief to know that there are people out there going through the SAME things we are? Yes! Lamentations 3:22 reads, "Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail." Amen. I need that Scripture everyday! And Philippians 4:6 says, "In everything you do, by prayer and petition, make your requests known to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." Mm. SO GOOD. This just tells of the Lord's heart and what He wants for us. He loves us too much to watch us suffer from things of this world. As Christians, we're supposed to bear each other's burdens. We're supposed to be the hands and feet of Jesus, reaching out to those we see around us who need help. We're blessed to be blessings!

Smiles Are the Best Medicine

It's been an emotionally charged weekend to say the least. Saturday night I watched To Save a Life. I remember wanting to see it when it came out last winter, and never had the chance to. The synopsis: "Jake is the most popular kid in school and has a promising future, but his world is rocked when tragedy strikes his childhood best friend. Now Jake is forced to ask, 'Could I have saved him?' With help from a few new friends, he embarks on a journey to live a life of purpose, knocking down the sacred social barriers of high school life and befriending a loner, Jonny Garcia. But when Jonny's life spirals out of control, will Jake have what it takes to stop him from the same tragic end? Can one person really make a difference?"

I know, it sounds like your typical "Save me" story, right? But it's not. And considering that the issues this film covers are up close and personal to me, I really think it's a call to Christians and non-Christians alike. For Christians, it's a call to step up our game; to be intentional; to recognize and ultimately love each and every person around us. Smiles are the best medicine, aren't they? They can conceal almost anything going on in life, which are normally the things that bring our lives swirling and twirling down to the ground. But for non-Christians, it's a call to recognize a need for Christ that we all have. Sometimes we just need to hit rock bottom before we recognize that the only one who can solve our problems, love us for who we are, and heal us in every way, is Jesus. This life of following Christ has nothing to do with being perfect, but everything to do with being broken and admitting the need to fall on your knees for Jesus. It really is about asking, "What can I do?" Let me tell you-- it's so easy to feel like one measly little person in the midst of nearly seven billion-- but we're capable of so much more than we are aware of. I used to tell myself, "You're going to travel the world someday and make a difference." I mean, I defined difference as living in some foreign country and, oh, bringing medical care to people or something. I never thought that smiling at someone or asking them about their day-- asking, "How are you REALLY doing?" would be making a difference. My eyes were once again opened this weekend and I found the source of this passion-- serving those who are in opposition without a voice, the depressed, the hopeless-- that only comes from Jesus. I praise Him that I overcame because of Him, and that I am able to look back at my experiences and fall to my knees in surrender.

God's Beauty

Can I just get an AMEN for God's beauty? Please? His majesty is everywhere! Flying in to Minneapolis today-- seeing the sun pouring in through the windows on the plane-- was so beautiful! I just wanted to jump out and parachute the rest of the way! It's warm (surprising, since we pretty much live in snow year round here), and the changing leaves are just astounding. I went outside with the camera today, and just sat on the grass and shot for about a half an hour. It's so great to be back home, where it's familiar. I know this is going to be a weekend to refresh, and hopefully I'll be ready to head back to school on Monday. I praise God for what He has been doing in my life! I have an interview tomorrow with The Emily Program, and I am praying that this works out! I have realized a lot of things about myself the past few weeks, and I really feel passionate about what God is calling me to. I'll keep you updated! In the meantime, some beautiful pictures of autumn!

A Powerful Word

Well, God sure did some FANTASTICALLY AMAZING things this weekend! I've been waiting for the state retreat at Ponderosa, in Colorado Springs, since school started in August. This is where I really grew in my faith in my ministry- Christian Challenge- all the way back to freshman year. I will never forget the people, the sights, the fresh air of the mountains, or the lessons learned. Four times I have experienced this amazing retreat, and this weekend was my last. It's so odd to think that, in August, I couldn't wait for October to get here. Now it's here, the weekend is over, and I can think of nothing I'd like to do more than go back. God definitely knew what I needed to hear this weekend. As I prepare to graduate, intern, and be out in the real world, He figured He'd better set me straight first.

The theme this weekend was "A Discussion on Relationships." We, in turn, discussed issues like inner health, how to love ourselves, turning away from the conformity of the world, forgiveness, turning wounds into scars, and the types of relationships needed to maintain good personal health. Randy Shuler was the speaker for the weekend. Basically I'll just type up the notes we took over the weekend.

Inner Health: Loving Ourselves Rightly
Ephesians 3:16-19
Inner strength is essential for:
1. Spiritual intimacy
2. Personal maturity
3. Inner health
"Failure to love ourselves aright, we will love ourselves amiss." -Leanne Payne

When we don't love ourselves, we create personal insecurity. Love turns inward, and then we become engrossed with ourselves and what a mess we all are. God does not call us to self-realization or self-actualization, but to Christ-identification. Christ is in us, and He is the hope of glory, as the book of Colossians reads.

But how do we learn to love ourselves rightly? Good question.
We must 1. Confess failure or self-acceptance as sin; and as long as we are victims, we will continually focus our eyes on subjective feelings, rather than the Savior. Subjective feelings are unreliable.
We must 2. Invoke the presence of Christ. Isaiah 53:5 reminds that "His death for my sin and failure is sufficient!" Time alone with God is key to helping us work through these issues.
We must 3. Replace subjective feelings with God's healing words. Amen! It was recommended that we buy a new journal, read through the Gospels, and write down each promise we come across. Facts will then take place of feelings.
We must 4. Allow the body of Christ to affirm us. This can be done within or outside the church, as long as the body of believers are encouraging one another in love.
We must 5. Commit to radical obedience. RADICAL! Not lukewarm! We're not to downplay any type of sin, because we are slaves to what we obey, even though we should be slaves to righteousness.

Hand Me a Dr. Pepper, Please
Reasons why I don't drink:
1. Appearances. 1 Thessalonians 5:22 says, "Abstain from every form of evil."
2. Want to prevent a potential problem. This is about preventing something before it STARTS.
3. Stumbling block. I don't want to mislead other followers of Christ. Don't cause them to lose focus on the Savior!
4. Barriers. Is there a difference between how Christians vs. non-Christians live TODAY? Look at the ways our society has changed.
5. The high road. There is a difference between good and best. Strive for holiness.
6. Life-wrecker. Help preserve society.
7. Misapplied Scripture. Don't justify how drinking contributes to society.
8. Not necessary! (Pretty self-explanatory.)
9. Moldy-mold. Don't do it just because "everyone else is." Be able to use Christ in your life as an evaluative tool.
10. My [kids, family, friends] who will be (most likely) negatively impacted.

Inner Health: Forgiveness
Boulders are hard things.
People react to stones in different ways: They deny them, hide behind them, or are proud of them.
Boulders become tied to us.

Failure to Forgive
One of the primary problems with a failure to forgive is that it roots us in the past.
Everything you do from this day forward is tied to this grudge! It will define who you are and what you become.
1. Forgiveness does NOT validate harmful or sinful behavior.
2. Forgiveness does NOT minimize the offense or offender.
3. Forgiveness does NOT mean that you intentionally allow other people to continue hurting you.
4. Forgiveness does NOT mean all painful memories are erased.
Jeremiah 31:34 says, "I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more." God means that He is acting. When the Bible says He forgets, it means He is not going to act.
"I release the one who caused the pain from my desire and/or attempt to bring about justice, judgment, payback, or vengeance." In the book of Romans, God says we are to let HIM be the decider of punishment.

How Do You Forgive an Unforgivable Offense?
Look to the LORD for comfort and healing. -Matthew 11:28
Bring the offense and pain to God and RELEASE it.
The answer is the cross of Christ.
"We can hug our hurts and make a shrine out of our sorrows, or we can offer them to God as a sacrifice of praise. The choice is ours." -Carrol Kent


Inner Health: Turning Wounds Into Scars
1. Release the pain, shame, and blame. Take things back to the Lord and LET THEM GO.
2. Release the "Why" question. Sometimes you won't get an answer. Still ask. Don't get caught up in false accusations.
3. Accept the greater purpose. God does NOT WASTE HURTS! He will use each and every hurt for something good and beautiful.
4. Recognize Jesus. In John 20:19-20, the disciples didn't realize the resurrected Christ was Christ, until He showed them the nail scars in His hands. Sometimes that's what we have to do.


Four Sets of Relationships Essential to Maintaining Personal Health
Oftentimes we assemble fences to surround and protect ourselves from what others think of us. We accept and carry out covert operations to satisfy personal pursuits, even though they don't matter unless they are Christ-driven. We allow isolation and alienation to gain entrance to who we are, and then we push people away.
Set 1: I must run with BELIEVERS. Large groups of people help us to be spiritually alive!
Set 2: I must sit with FRIENDS. Small groups allow us to be real.
Set 3: I must stand with BROTHERS. Submit to a discipler, who can help you speak truth.
Set 4: I must walk with GOD. One to one with God helps me to be a woman of God. Faith is in the Lord.


So all in all, this weekend was phenomenal. Lots of personal struggles and issues that came crashing back like waves, even though I thought they were things that had been resolved. This weekend really showed me things that I need to work on. I didn't buy a new journal, but continued on in the current one I have that is from my mom. I sat down yesterday and began reading through the Gospels, noting each promise I came across. Let me tell you this- if you're struggling, do this. There is nothing better than being lifted high on wings from Christ, to feel loved, cherished, in place. He loves us! What ELSE do we need? Nothing! If He believes in me, I will succeed.

The Lord's Presence

I am continually amazed by God's faithfulness. He has revealed to me even more than I ever thought possible these past few weeks. I've been writing a lot about the stresses of December's graduation, the struggle to find an internship for the spring, and where the heck He is leading me next fall. I've also written about what He is teaching me day to day. I find myself praying that because today is Monday, I only need to get through Tuesday. Not Wednesday, but Tuesday. I am tired of looking at my life in a mirror, trying to pin-point where I will be in 3 months, 6 months, a year. It's tiresome and stressful. Why not trust in the Lord's plan each day? He provides me with something new anyways, something I definitely never expected! So anyways...back to the story. He has faithfully provided 2 internship interviews, one over the phone, and one in person when I go home next week. The in-person interview is at The Emily Program, a St.Paul-based organization that deals with eating disorders. I was really hoping to intern with them and be closer to home as well, so this is just a miracle. I have looked at about 45 or 50 places to intern- ceaselessly calling, emailing, and sending letters, but without success. And now...success! It's amazing how He makes us patiently wait; of course, He always waits with us and provides us with what we need along the way. That time of waiting is truly a blessing; it is a time to evaluate the mind, the heart, and obligations. I've been using that time to explore options in ministry, and think I am going to apply for a Master's in Spiritual Formation and Discipleship at Moody Bible Institute. This is a big step, since I really need to be closer to home for awhile, yet am discovering that I'm not sure if I could thrive in crazy Chicago for 2 years. But if that's where God wants me, it's where I'll go. I've never found a program like this one, offering a degree in-- essentially-- being intentional in people's lives. That is ultimately what I want. Whether this degree will lead me into worship ministry or camp ministry, who knows?! I certainly don't! But I do know that the Lord will be faithful, just as I strive to be faithful in return. I know I do a crummy job, because I am not worthy of anything. So continue to pray that I will walk in the presence of the Lord, and be discerning what He has planned!

More Grace

My heart is just overflowing in love for the Lord right now! I sat in my kitchen today, looking up YouTube videos for the songs I'm helping lead for worship on Sunday. It's amazing that, in the right moment, God can just send you His words. I immediately started singing at the top of my lungs and I couldn't help it! As I've said before I have never been one to just sit back and take the days as they come. If I didn't have things planned out months ahead of time I went into complete chaos. Well, the Lord has given me such a peace. He has learned to make me content with what I have each and every day that I'm on this earth. Each morning is a gift because it means I have one more opportunity to serve the Lord in some way. I fail, and the Lord still gives me more grace. What have I ever done to deserve it?!

The Lord's Faithfulness

Philippians 4:12-13 says, "I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through Him who gives me strength."

Yes. I know this to be true after what has taken place this week. Through hardships-- more than I think I've ever faced in the context of school and the REST of my life-- He has taught me patience and contentment. Although I've found my stress and blood pressure levels most likely higher than they are supposed to be, I am "happy" about where He is leading me. I have never been one to live day by day. I have been one to have my future mapped out, and I thought I did. I thought I knew exactly where I was supposed to be and what I was supposed to be doing. But again, how wrong was I?

So here is the short version of the story. I would sit and type it all now, but I feel very exhausted. The short version is that the Lord has called me into ministry. Yes! Not medicine or health, but ministry. And where am I supposed to go after I've graduated in December? I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA! I'm waiting on that part. It's scary to me, the thought of having pushed myself so hard for 2 years to graduate early...and not even using that degree. But at least I know I worked hard and followed the Lord where He told me to go. It doesn't matter where I go or what I use. My hard work was just had work. I know I will work hard at anything I do, but I don't want that to pull me away from the plans the Lord has for me. Ultimately I am having to live each day as it comes, since I have no idea what I'm doing. For once, though, I'm happy with that. God has been faithful to me, even though I know I have let stress and opposition bring me down these past few weeks. I have never clung to the Lord or fallen to my knees as hard as I have lately, and there is beauty that I can't even identify when that happened.

Best Worst Week

This has been the best worst week of my life. Well...maybe the second best worst week. I'm not quite sure. All I know is that I may have underestimated this last semester of senior year. I suppose I thought I would definitely be over the whole "homesickness" thing, but apparently NOT. I also thought this was supposed to be the cheapest part of my college career, considering that I'm taking Ballet, figure skating, and am only here for one semester. WRONG again. Things just seemed to be piling up and up; things were breaking or not working; the heat is making me irritable and tired; among other things, like my printer breaking right out of storage and having to drive it to Denver (I've never driven to Denver). PLUS, a motherload of stress with my graduate course and discovering I needed one more nutrition course to complete my minor, since UNC decided to pull the one I was planning to take from their catalog. GAH! I really have cried every day this past week, and I know that I don't cry. So it's been quite heartfelt. BUT in the midst of all that, God has continued to be nothing but the saving, faithful Father that I don't deserve. That's right. Despite the hardships, He has created a way out. He has been waiting for me to turn my stubborn, broken self to Him. He has been waiting for me to fall to my knees with my hands folded, tears streaming down my face (this has happened many times recently).

At church yesterday, we read through Romans 12:9-18. Can you say perfect? Yes, this was the perfect set of verses for me to read! Boy, do I have issues. I need to let go of this isolation that I've not only been feeling, but acting on...pulling myself away from people and trying to get through everything alone; having to pray to God to help me get back to Him. Wow. I need to also love people rather than like them; drive myself into their hearts to find their needs and understanding the things I can be praying for. I need to stop letting the little issues that we all face in everyday life get to me. I need to...and you get the picture. I have to get my act together here.

With the stress from this Maternal and Child Health graduate course, God's also been telling me many things. But it basically boils down to the realization that I'm not quite sure I want to go for a Master's in Public Health anymore. Even though I was already applying to programs and looking for states that offer my global health concentration, God kindly told me that (and not taking the easy way out) I am not supposed to do that. I should go into ministry. And if I want to, I can still find a way to incorporate my Bachelor's degree. I've been thinking about going into worship and ministry or camp ministry, or being a children's counselor. I have NO idea. But I do know that I should not be applying for public health Master's programs! Stop!

So I have just been praying fervently that God would continue to mold my heart and reveal Himself to me. I want Him to tell me where I need to be, show me where I need to go. He has already made Himself evident these past few days, as I'm able to watch how things are slowly but surely coming together. He's prepared a new LIFE plan for me! What a coincidence, since I already thought that "always-good-plan" was in place. But God's always changing hearts and priorities, that's for sure. I know that I'm still doing what He wants me to do- get an education so that I can apply myself. It's just a matter of where that application is going to knock me off my feet. Who knows? God does.

Little Joys

You can have the world at your fingertips without realizing it. That's been me. Again I think about 1 Corinthians 12:4, which reads: "There are different kinds of gifts, but the same Spirit." Today this verse smacked me in the face; it's done so many times, but today it was pretty vivid. It hit me while I was doing each thing: running 2 .5 miles in the 93-degree heat, on the elliptical later at the club, doing sit-ups, waiting an hour for my pie to bake, etc. I learned that my next door neighbor, a recent graduate from St. Thomas, was offered an extremely amazing job at an advertising firm, with benefits and opportunities that many who have worked professional jobs for YEARS do not ever come across. While I should be so overjoyed for those who are being offered these things in life--much less jobs in general-- it strikes me that life doesn't ever wait. We can't put things on pause because they won't be there when we decide to come back. By the time sense has knocked us cold, it's too late. Of course we all know these things-- that life, like everything else in it, moves right along as it's always done. God has always been in control and He will always be in control. We have to find those little joys in life that piece us back together. What those things are certainly are different for each person in this world. We have things tossed in our faces a million times a day, but most of the time we're too blind to see them. I know I've been extremely blind (no pun intended). These "things" are pretty ordinary, no doubt, but they always get me thinking. It could be any"thing" from a person I see on the street, to a paragraph I read in a book, or a scene from a movie. I was watching Post-Grad tonight (how fitting) and there is a scene towards the end when Adam says: "What exactly needs explanation? ... The fact that you're so obsessed with your future that you completely forget about everyone you're supposed to care about? I'm not waiting anymore. I'm done." This could be taken a few different ways, but in my life it means that I've forgotten about God and who He is. Maybe not literally. And certainly not intentionally. But along this rocky road, I seem to have forgotten that God is the One who created my future, knows my future-- every single detail of it. He created me. Whenever someone tells me something good that has happened or has received an amazing opportunity like my neighbor did; and I instantly feel envious or upset rather than thrilled and optimistic for those people, I lose a bit more of myself. I don't think I ever planned to disappear, either, so I know that something has to change. As Google suggests, I need to 1. Cultivate optimism, 2. Be present, 3. Clarify, 4. Give out, 5. Connect, 6. Find flow, 7. Celebrate, and 8. Love myself. Just more food for thought.

Stress

It's amazing, the toll stress can take on the body -- the many ways it manifests itself. It's sneaky. It crawls along, piling up, and then BAM! It all hits you at once. Just like "Does Anybody Hear Her" by Casting Crowns, it makes me feel like I'm running a hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction. For instance, today I realized that I have worked myself to death trying to register for a course at UNC that does not exist this fall, when I already spoke with someone from University of Phoenix in April and was about to register for the substitute course. All summer. APRIL. How could I forget that phone conversation? Maybe because I've been working to get signed up for two other online courses from the University of Arizona in Tuscon. Sometimes it's just laughable. And I had to get that out there.

Hourglass

The way to be anxious about nothing is to pray about everything. That is what You have taught me. However, I don't feel as if this truth has been evident in my life lately-- not when I look back and see how much sadness and anger I have been hosting. Being the host of anger and repression, what does that mean exactly? Well, it means I am an hourglass. The top portion is sealed off, and my being is just filling up with anger and sadness and envy and selfishness and wayward curiosity. Then when the seal is broken, I only have the amount of time the bottom allows me before I explode. And I think I exploded yesterday for the first time. I had finally had enough of the badgering and I found myself beating my fist on the steering wheel in my car. Have I ever done anything remotely like that before? Absolutely not. Was it scary? Yes, quite. And that leads me to ask: What is going on in my life? Why are there so many things I am afraid of, and why do I let all emotion bottle up inside that hourglass? It's as if I enjoy the future comings of another explosion, but trust me, I don't ever want it again. I suppose my fears and plans for this [hopefully] last semester at school have left me of the world, not simply in the world. I think it is a fear that many have, but not all who are so close to God experience it. Well, then, I need to be much closer to my Lord. He is the only One who can open my eyes to the root of all of this fear and restlessness; these nights when I'm slamming my face against the pillow for hours because I can't sleep. That is what I need. I need to disappear inside the Lord, His Word, and be cleansed by Him. I need to have His peace, His understanding, and His acceptance. Then maybe all of this will start to take a turn for the better.

Cake!

What if I were to something CRAZY, like quit everything and completely change directions? What if I went to work in a bakery decorating cakes? I keep watching all these great baking shows and would LOVE to be a cake decorator- the colors, the creativity, the joy of helping someone celebrate something special. Plus, it's just appetizing!

I'd like to say that I enjoyed every minute of looking these up! I might have gone a little overboard.

New Lyrics

It's 4AM why can't I sleep
This sudden emotion for faith I leap
This knowledge I have this mercy renewed
I owe it all God owe it to You

You protect You love You move me within
You hold You captivate You cleanse my sin
Despite the universe and its people with faults
You love us You teach us Your love abounds

Prepared for battle You stop me with haste
You tell me You'll fight if I stand firm in faith
I'll give you the resources and all that you need
My hope is you'll surrender your needs to Me

Give me your heart and fall to your knees
This life speaks my relationship and not doing good needs
With blood on My hands I sent you My Son
In hopes that the world would come to the One

You've been given a choice and it's up to you
To decide for yourself what you're going to do
Don't abuse your freedom because it's precious you see
Just its existence doesn't mean use is easy

Listen to My statutes My recommendations My commands
Though I know it won't go for you're sinful you're man
Your job on Earth is not to produce fights
But prove that My love is binding us tight

Walking and talking and sharing with Me
Devoting your lives here and now is key
The truth itself is amazing and useful
It is My hope you witness to the people

Don't let the fears and insults slow you down
Think of Me and rejoice in the crown
Of the One who loves you and cares for your life
You'll experience His fullness if you give Him the time