I'm a Wretched Human Being

Life is hard. Does anyone else agree? Oh, good. I find myself, among many others, feeling as if I'm going through life alone more times than not. And my less rational self tells me that I absolutely SHOULD be going through it alone; that no one wants to help, and if I ask, then I make myself a burden. I'm trying very hard to kick the devil in the shins every time I think that way. We need people. We need each other. Not ALL the time--because solitude is a necessity as well--but nonetheless, we were created to rejoice with others and weep with others. I've never minded people coming to me for help. I love it! Doesn't it feel good to know that someone trusts you enough to come to you? But it's not so easy to change the game and ask others for help. And often those in helping positions usually suffer from this game. I can't weasel my way into things that don't concern me. Sometimes I can't even manage to stand up for myself. So where does all this lead?

Good question.

It doesn't necessarily have to lead anywhere. Can't I just acknowledge that life is hard? Can I sit in silence and listen for God's voice? I can imagine His response would be similar to the following: "It's not supposed to be easy. It's SUPPOSED to be full of trials and difficulties, your journey, but trust in Me because I clear the path. I fight the impossible battles. Because you have been singled out, chosen by Me, and who are YOU but a measly human to point out my nonexistent flaws?! You listen to the world. You're waged in a war between the spirit and the flesh. Your ways are not My ways. Your spirit tells you to fight to loose the chains of injustice which plague the world you are a part of, to give up the fight, to relinquish control; but your flesh desires to be invisible, to be knocked over on the breath of life. Your body longs for rugged edges and angles, not curves and flowing lines."

How crazy is it that I then read 1 Peter 2:9-10 which says, "You are a chosen people. You are a kingdom of priests, God's holy nation, His own possession. This is so you can show others the goodness of God, for He called you OUT of darkness and into His wonderful light. Once you were not a people. Now you are the people of God."

So .... wait, what? I reject God every time my self-image plummets; every time I compare; every time I secretly desire what I know I shouldn't???? But I don't WANT to reject God!!!! What are my deepest fears about discovering who I really am? That's what we all need to answer. Oddly enough, then, the chunks of Romans 2 and Romans 7 floated into my mind. I'm telling you, the spirit tonight is strong....covering me. God is calling to me through His word.

Romans 2:17-21 says, "Now if you call yourself a Jew, if you rely on the law and boast in God; if you know His will and approve of what is superior because you are instructed by the law; if you are convinced you are a guide for the blind, a light for those in darkness, an instructor of the foolish, or a teacher of little children because you have in the law the embodiment of knowledge and truth--you then, who teach others, DO YOU NOT TEACH YOURSELF?"

Then, "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but sin living in me. For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, my sinful nature. For I have the DESIRE to do what is good but cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good thing I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do. Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I DELIGHT in God's law. But I see another law at work within me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a PRISONER of the law of sin at work within me." (7:15-23)

Wow. What a wretched human I am. And what a great Savior I have.

Your Peace is a Melody

You know those days when it feels like the world is against you? You know you're IN the world, not OF it, and yet it still feels like it's conquering you? Yeah, it's one of "those" days. One of those weeks. One of those months. I'm so ashamed to say I've hardly even had a decent quiet time in 13 days. I've felt emotionally plagued. It's left my soul weak and shattered when it was so strong just a few weeks ago. Overcome with anxiety and stress, hating everything I know and everything I am. There's really nothing that captures my mood, my demeanor. Everything is so jumbled. I hate spending hours trying to find something to wear. I hate the feeling that people are staring and judging when I'm out in public. I don't want to feel guilty or weak. And when I do I know it's the opportunity to lean completely into Jesus, but I'm also trapped because my rational self is angry and frustrated. Is there a point?

I opened my bedtime devotional and here is what it said:

"God would love to piece together the

shattered fragments of your life. But

He is waiting...graciously waiting until

the time is right. Until you are tired of

the life you are living...until you see it

for what it really is. Until you are weary

of coping...of taking charge your own

way...until you realize the mess you

are making of it...until you recognize

your need for Him...He waits."

Kind of a slap in the face. But a much-NEEDED one. Periodically we all find ourselves at a loss as to how to respond to something. We all feel weak. We ask for help, and God delivers every time. He delivers MORE than intelligence and ideas and common sense. He dips into His well of wisdom. We are given a small portion of the "mind of Christ," and boy, that is what I need right now. I've forgiven myself for being weak. I will never be strong. I know God is strong and fights the battle for me. But will this battle be eternal? The command "Love your neighbor as yourself" doesn't reapply in my life. I love. I want to love everyone EXCEPT myself. Can I really love others? Yes, I'd like to think so.

"Owe no one anything, except to love each other, for the one who loves another has fulfilled the law. For the commandments, 'You shall not commit adultery, You shall not murder, You shall not steal, You shall not covet,' and any other commandment, are summed up in this word: 'You shall love your neighbor as yourself.' Love does no wrong to a neighbor; therefore love is the fulfilling of the law."

Romans 8 also says, "Though we walk in the flesh, we are not waging war according to the flesh. For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds. We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ..." I am trying so hard! Why do I feel like a hampster running on its wheel? When I try to think of ways to allow myself love, I can't think of anything. People have suggested writing a love letter to myself. I can't. My hands physically can't write it. I've tried post-its on the mirrors. I've tried saying the words aloud. I must believe the words in my heart for them to bring light. I can say the words "I believe in Santa Claus" fifty times a day, right? But if I don't believe that Santa Claus really exists, the syllables coming from my mouth elicit nothing.

I'm a hypocrite. I feel like I've spiraled out of control! I want to be a light--but how can I be a light when I can't accept myself? How do I tell people they are beautiful and loved and worthy and filled with purpose when I feel like a beast? The world shouts, "You're a FAKE!" and Jesus is saying, "I will help you. Hand Me your troubles. This waiting, this constant struggle, may feel like forever, but trust Me and feel My peace. I am here." Peace. Peace.