Be the Change

So since I've come back from Haiti I've tried to be as careful as I can about where I make my purchases. It's not so easy, is it? NO! But with a little research, it's pretty helpful to find out where you can start making more ethical shopping decisions. It's hard when you're a lover of Gap, J. Crew, and Banana Republic. I know, I know...they're so perfectly tailored, the fabrics are out of this world...I just could go on and on. But if I were to take a step back and do as much research as I do with the food I eat, I'd probably find some things that have been stuffed under the rug.

All evening I've been not only job searching, but looking at fair trade stores and lists of the most ethical companies in the US. For example, Ethisphere has made a LIST of the top 100 most ethical companies in the US that not only "proclaim" to be ethical, but put ethics into action. I was surprised at some of the famous companies I've heard of. Gap? Target? STARBUCKS? Really? It's quite unbelievable. But now I can give these companies more credit. We really don't think about how bad materialism is in the first place, but to top it with unethical practices and misused child labor laws and poor regulations on imports and yadda yadda......Fair Trade doesn't have to be complicated. Not at all. All it is is giving people the chance to boost their economic systems; these people happen to come from poor countries, but not always. Fair Trade allows direct market access, which means that all those people "in between" the makers and takers (the ones who get most of the profit) are eliminated. Sounds mean, right? Well, this system also ensures high quality products that utilize strict rules to ensure customers that, in the process of making goods, the environment remains safe, the economic system is sustainable, people are empowered, and other systems like healthcare, education, and so on, are fostered.

With that in mind, I started to look for places that sell things that we buy everyday: clothes, purses, accessories, whatever. Here's a list of stores that made it on the fair trade search:

Global Mamas
Ten Thousand Villages

Ethical Goods
Free People Clothing
Fair Indigo
Patagonia
Handcrafting Justice

Aside from petroleum, coffee is the second highest commodity on the hot-shot list. Call it whatever you want. Everyone in every country around the world is involved with coffee! How can people say coffee doesn't affect the global economy? HA. As an avid coffee lover, that's just ridiculous. With SO many people around the world being involved in the coffee business--think of how many of those "middle men" are making profits off these families? They pay the coffee growers below market prices and keep most of the money for themselves. It's hard to believe that a hard-working family who grows coffee may only make between $500 and $1000 per YEAR. PER YEAR! That means they're only receiving between thirty and fifty cents per pound of coffee. They are being paid HALF of today's typical market price. In countries around the world, a typical coffee "quota" for the day is about 100 pounds, but maybe more. And the pickers make maybe $2 per day for that. There are no employee benefits, time off, whatever...and aren't those problem-causing things LUXURIES to us here in America? ---> This is why child labor is bad.

Stepping away from the politics...look at this crazy list of fair trade/co-op grocery stores in Minnesota! Hooray for Whole Foods and Valley Natural!

• City Center Market
• Cook County Whole Foods Co-op
• Eastside Food Cooperative
• Hampden Park Co-op
• Harmony Natural Foods Co-op
• Harvest Moon
• Just Food Co-op
• Lakewinds Natural Foods (Chanhassen)
• Lakewinds Natural Foods (Minnetonka)
• Linden Hills Co-op
• Mississippi Market (Selby)
• Mississippi Market (West 7th Street)
• Natural Harvest Co-op
• People's Food Co-op - Rochester
• River Market Community Co-op
• Seward Community Cooperative
• St. Peter Food Co-op & Deli
• Valley Natural Foods
• Wedge Community Co-op
• Whole Foods Co-op 

ALSO, I just have to add that I love being vegan. It's wonderful. I'm learning so much about SUPERFOODS and detoxing the body and being able to find my nutrients from new sources. I'm completely obsessed with my almond milk and my coconut chia seed granola, which I eat for breakfast each morning!

Why I Love Chia (and you should, too!):
1. Chia seeds reduce food cravings by preventing some of the food that you eat from getting absorbed.
2. They can also help your diet by making you feel full. This is because they absorb 10 times their weight in water, forming a bulky gel. (HENCE they are great in smoothies and making yogurt!!!!)
3. "Chia gel" can hydrate the body. You can make it yourself.
4. The richest plant source of Omega 3's (EVEN OVER SALMON---beat that, fish eaters!)
5. Control of blood sugar because they regulate how fast our bodies convert CHO's into simple sugars. 

And okay, that's my post for the day. Ciao!!!

Gift of Grace

Today's sermon was about grace. In order to study grace, we watched clips of Les Miserables, which means "The Miserable Ones." We watched the scene when the bishop invites Jean to stay overnight in the church and gives him a hot meal to eat (after Jean has been released from 19 years in prison). In the middle of the night, Jean takes all the silverware from the table in the dining room and flees the church, only to be caught by the guards who drag him back to the bishop. They say, "Sir, we caught this man and he said you gave him all this silverware!" They point to the filled filthy bag. At this point the bishop looks at the guard and says, "He is right. This man tells the truth. But you took only the silverware? Why did you not take the finest? The candlesticks are still here..." Jean is shocked as he goes to get the candlesticks and places them in Jean's hands, saying, "You are free, my boy, but remember this: Use this lesson to become an honest man." What we see here are acts of mercy and grace.

Mercy: Not getting what you deserve. In the film, the bishop believes Jean and says, "I believe this man." 

Grace: Getting what you don't deserve. The bishop hands the fine candlesticks over.

There are so many times when we are given grace and mercy. These aren't always heart-stopping, life-changing events, but we are to be thankful anyways. It could be as simple as having been caught speeding but only getting off with a warning; it could be something like performing poorly on an exam and being given a kinder grade. Each of us goes through the daily grind but receives bouts of grace here and there.

Ephesians 2:4-5 says, "But because of His great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions--it is by GRACE you have been saved." It is by GRACE you have been saved. We are raised up by the power of the Holy Spirit. God will reign on Earth--here, with US--just as He does in Heaven.

There was a high cost to grace. It wasn't free, and it certainly goes BEYOND what is FAIR. It's almost irrational. The price has been paid IN FULL through the death of Jesus on the cross. And all we have to do is believe, accept the gift. It's right there. Verses 8-10 go on, "For it is by GRACE you have been saved, through faith--and this is NOT from yourselves, it is the gift of God--not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God's handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works which God prepared in advance for us to do."

We are God's precious jewels. He deserves more than our dabbling in the trivial world--Where should we go out to eat? Where should we shop? What new car should we buy? Which sports team is winning? This isn't a fairytale, this gift of redemptive love and grace. This is real life. We are justified! Our mission as people who have been raised up is to become more and more like Jesus. He wants us to have the very best. No matter how you see it, grace will make you better than you THINK you can be. It can change your life and you don't have to do anything but accept. You do not have to EARN GOD'S GRACE. Maybe you've received grace countless times and didn't realize it.

The verses below are lines that occur in the last scene of the film, when Fontine returns to a dying Jean. As he passes away, she sends him walking towards a thousand voices, where the whole cast--or humanity, if you think of it that way--is waiting to welcome him. Notice the biblical truths that lie at the heart of this film.

"Come with me, where chains will never bind you

All your grief at last, at last, behind you

Lord in heaven, look down on him in mercy."

 (Acts 12:7) 

"Forgive me my trespasses and take me to Your glory." 

(Luke 11:4) 

"Take my hand; I'll lead you to salvation. Take my love

For it is everlasting. And remember the truth that was once spoken

To love another person is to see the face of God." 

(Genesis 33:10) 

"Will you join in our crusade? Who will be strong

and stand with me? Somewhere beyond the barricade

is there a world you long to see?" 

(Revelation 21:1-5) 

The first thing I remember most about God’s redemptive grace is the baptism I partook in as a baby, which made me part of God’s family. It was the seed planted that started this “through grace by faith” notion. It wasn’t about my decision back THEN. It was about God’s decision. I was 9 years old then, when I became a Christian. Romans 6:4 says, "Buried by Him with baptism into death, so just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of God, so we too might walk in the newness of life." It's just amazing that God's teachings work their way into our everyday lives. And what's also great is that God's grace NEVER ends. It's not in short supply. It is new each morning. When I'm waking up every day, God's already been up and He is waiting for me. As I encounter things throughout that day, it's my responsibility to listen, look, discern, respond, and ask if I need help. His Word reminds me that I can't go through my life as a whole, much less without each day, searching and receiving His grace that He freely extends. I encourage you to do the same! 

“Therefore do not be ashamed of the testimony of our Lord... who has saved us and called us with a holy calling, not according to our works, but according to His own purpose and grace which was given to us in Christ Jesus before time began.” -2 Timothy 1:9

Haitian Initiative's Miracle

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I have learned so much about fellowship and encouragement this week. Eighteen boys were selected to travel to Minnesota to play in the Schwans USA Cup International Youth Soccer Tournament in Blaine. They played in the USA Cup Weekend Tournament this weekend. So far they are UNDEFEATED!!!!!! It is no wonder! What a wonderful chance for these boys and their coaches to show their dedication, integrity, and sense of unity.

 

 When our team traveled to Haiti almost a month ago (I still can't believe we've been back so long) and learned that this team was going to be in Minnesota, we all freaked out and made it a priority to see them for the tournament. We have been successful! It's been AWESOME to reunite with the team and support the Haitians through Haitian Initiative, a program using soccer as a catalyst for education and opportunities for Haitian kids. We have all been curious to meet the team and find out what they think of America! After all, I'm sure they have never been more stunned in their lives; however, they will leave America at the end of the month with a much different sense of us than we had when we left Haiti. They taught us so much! I wonder what lessons they will say America taught them. It feels soooo good to be reunited with the team and to support something that connects each of us. How amazing that Haiti found a way to come to us here!!!! I just can't get over that.

The earliest churches devoted themselves to teaching and to prayer. Apart from teachings of the Holy Spirit, these were the two most important means of growth and power in a Christian's life. Fellowship was an absolute PRIORITY. Fellowship as far as the Bible goes means that Christians have "fellowship" with other Christians. They all share God in common. So fellowship may be seen more as a relationship with Jesus more than an activity. Because of a relationship with Jesus, fellowship opens itself to even more--sharing, prayer, enabling grace. We are responsible to share with God in the work He is doing on earth NOW so we can share what lies ahead in eternity. How awful would it be to spend eternity alone?

Our team members were all strangers before this trip. Not all were believers in God, either; YET God was working throughout each of us. We trusted. We had faith. “Acting faithfully” means those who share in common the life and testimony of Christ. But it's not exclusive. Because we share a common relationship through Christ, we then share a common objective. Without God being the center of fellowship, fellowship would just be a bunch of people meeting together for social reasons; for dependence upon man.

I also realized this weekend how much we can learn from other people...and sometimes those are people we don't even know. I learned too many lessons to name from my time spent in Haiti and I was able to bring those lessons back. Those who are the thirstiest for knowledge will seek it no matter the circumstances. As C.S. Lewis says, "If we let ourselves, we shall always be waiting for some distraction or other to end before we can really get down to our work. The only people who achieve much are those who want knowledge so badly that they seek it while the conditions are still unfavorable. Favorable conditions never come." Amen. We are called to question and search for the things we DON'T know; not the things we DO know.

Accepting others is a way to praise and worship. There is no music or adoration...none of the "activities" we associate with worship. It's just accepting others. God wants nothing more than to see us welcoming each other and devoting each other to love and encouragement. By meeting this weekend our team was encouraged and the Haitian boys were encouraged; the teams were encouraged, the host families were encouraged. If we encourage others to serve and love and support, we develop skills of leadership. Our presence at the tournament despite the fact we haven't met these specific boys was still a sign of encouragement and hope.

It's easy to think that because we live in America we live in a world where no one encourages each other; we live in a world where every person is only out for him or herself and what he or she needs. But how many of us are selfish enough to believe that and live that way? No, no. This is a world that desperately needs diversity. This world needs to learn lessons. We learn them from God and we learn them from others. We share them. We teach. We accept. If we learn to be completely rooted in CHRIST. Instead of self-esteem, we develop CHRIST-ESTEEM. We don't have to validate ourselves by mere characteristics that place us in "classes." We love God because He loves us. Therefore, we are united. In Haiti I prayed to see my sins the way God does. "Give me Your eyes for just one second, give me Your eyes so I can see...everything that I've been missing, give me Your love for humanity." These lyrics by Brandon Heath describe what I prayed for. I learned lessons from people I'd never met in the most unlikely ways. I wound never ask for anything different. Instead of fear and judgment, God urged me to have compassion and to love and to examine how God created differences in identity.

I am so happy this weekend. My heart is light and I feel that I've stumbled back into a Haitian bubble that I hope never pops.

Miracles in the Oddest Places

I went to church with my mother this weekend. I struggled all weekend waiting for Sunday because there was this pressure in my chest, you see--it was clouding my vision, making my head and stomach hurt. I was yearning to connect with God. I needed to sing, worship, praise, let loose. I needed to just let go and let God. When we got to church we, among many others, were a few minutes late. The worship had already started. Let me remind you that WORSHIP--the music--the essence of losing myself when my hands are out and my eyes can be closed without fear and rejection, didn't really happen. I was so frazzled trying to find a seat close to the stage. I wanted to be lost in the sea of people. We ended up finding two seats in the very LAST row of the church; and for some reason, it was the end of the world. I thought, I can't connect sitting all the way back here. We might as well be sitting in the lobby! I hated that those thoughts were ruining what I had planned and wanted to be so fruitful. Then I realized, once the music switched to a slow song, that I didn't have to be lost in the sea of people because God was there for all of us and EACH of us at the same time. How does He do that?! Be everywhere for everyone and yet available to us as individuals? Because He is, well, GOD. He is holy. He is mighty to save, that's how. Great answer, huh? It's the truth. Only then could I let go, take a deep breath, close my eyes, and begin to feel the message of God through the music.

This service was the inaugural into a six-week study called "Summer Blockbusters," in which the church has selected six different Hollywood films and uses them to relay the sermon. The sermon was about FAITH. So. 3 Biblical ideas about FAITH, represented by Indiana Jones (and something-something....erm....I've never seen Indiana Jones, nor did I really feel like watching the clip they provided).

1. To follow Christ is to live a life of FAITH.
Ephesians 2:8 explains that is through grace that we have been saved, by FAITH. Ephesians 3:17 goes on to pray for us as a people that Christ will strengthen us with the power of the Holy Spirit so that He dwells in ours hearts through faith.
Don't you see? Once we all stand together with the love of Christ dwelling in our hearts, how can we NOT spread the love? How can we NOT tell others? How can we keep it to ourselves? That's like having found a brilliant cure for the most rarest of diseases and telling no one. If Christ dwells in our hearts, only THEN are we able to grasp how wide, how deep, how everlasting, promising, and perfect His love really is!

2. Faith comes by hearing the Word (and hearing, from the word of God).
Romans 1:16-17 says, "For I am NOT ashamed of the gospel of Christ, for it is the power of God to salvation for everyone who believes, for the Jew first and also for the Greek. For in it the righteousness of God is revealed from faith to faith; as it is written, 'The just shall live by faith.'" The just shall live by faith. What does that mean? It means that God's obviously the master of the universe. Running the world is His business and His business only; BUT we are not left out! He makes 3,573 promises to us throughout the entire Bible. The righteous man has his daily tasks to complete, and yet he lives by faithfulness. He trusts and obeys, even if he doesn't understand what God really wants. We don't get to ask, "WHY?" We are to say, "Yes, Lord!" To everything, "Yes, Lord!" When we feed off the promises of the Lord, there is no better nourishment. We are energized. Our faith grows! A promise is MORE THAN JUST HOPE; hope implies that something MAY happen. In the Bible, each of God's promises are fulfilled without absolution.

3. Faith is the doorway into God's promise land for our lives.
God is promising to us that what He wants us to do in life is GOOD. It is for His purpose. HOWEVER, this does not mean that we simply become righteous and mighty. We are not owed anything for obeying God. If we think we expect something, our acts are crushed by injustice.

I really thought about this sermon. During it, I'm sure I was wringing my hands in my lap when I wasn't taking notes. I thought, Isn't this kind of where I am in my life right now? We're supposed to identify a time that we stepped out in faith to something that really stretched us. We were to describe how that experience made us feel and act, and did taking the leap of faith make a difference? Well, sure! I just went to Haiti and it changed my life in a way that nothing else ever has in the same context! It wasn't really a leap of faith, more like a moonjump, if you know what I mean. I'd traveled and been on loads of mission trips but, three weeks later here I am with it still so vivid in my mind, still so active every day. To be willing to step out and experience God in new ways all we can do is listen to what He is calling us to do. I know, without a doubt, that God is calling me back to Haiti. Not now. Not the right timing. But again, My love, He whispers to me.

A few days ago I finished reading three books by Karen Kingsbury...the 9/11 Series: One Tuesday Morning, Beyond Tuesday Morning, and Remember Tuesday Morning. Let me just say that Karen Kingsbury is a wonderful author whose heart for God is quite obvious in her books. He is giving her the words to speak, to change lives. Sometimes that happens through something like reading a book. It does for me everyday. I learn a little bit more about who I am through the characters. It's my escape. I don't know what I would do without it. These were three of the most influential books I've ever read--and I have read thousands of novels, 425 of which are already in my room or in a dresser in the basement.

"One Tuesday Morning is the emotionally gripping story of a devoted firefighter, and a driven businessman, strangers from opposite sides of the country with the same face. They meet in the stairwell of the South Tower that fateful Tuesday morning, but only one of them will leave the building alive. Battling amnesia, the survivor must learn how to be the husband and father he never was, by living in the shoes of a man who no longer is. Ultimately he will only find his way home because of the love and faith of one very special woman."

"In this sequel to the bestselling One Tuesday Morning, to Jamie Bryan it is still September 12, 2001. What will move her from living in the past to living the life God has given her today? It's been three years since the terrorist attacks on New York City, but FDNY widow Jamie Bryan keeps waking up to the aching pain of that one Tuesday morning, the morning of September 11, 2001. Determined to find meaning in her grief, Jamie pours her life into volunteer work at St. Paul's, the small memorial chapel across from where the twin towers once stood. In the stream of broken, grieving people who make their way through the church doors, Jamie connects with two men—a firefighter forever changed by the attacks, and a Los Angeles police officer. Unsure and feeling somehow guilty, Jamie opens herself to the possibility of loving again. But what she learns about one man sends her reeling. How can this be God's plan for her life? Now only the persistence of a tenacious man, questions from Jamie's curious young daughter, and words from her dead husband's journal can move Jamie Bryan beyond one Tuesday morning—toward life."

I was only 8 when 9/11 occurred. We did not have a TV in the small classroom at the private school where I was that September morning. To be frank, I don't really know when I actually "found out" what happened. I don't remember much about coming home from school and seeing it on the news or hearing people talk about it, including my parents. Over the years I obviously did the research and managed to figure out what happened, but I didn't realize how much things in life changed because of that day. I realized later that my dad, a pilot, was supposed to be on a trip in New York that day, supposed to be flying out. Only NOW am I so thankful, grateful, and blessed that he was not called out. I don't think the enormity of what happened really hit me until I read these books. It sounds stupid, right? It's not the same thing. I know that. Watching replays on the news or on the Internet never "got to me" as much as reading these books. Why? Maybe because I was seeing it in front of my eyes and wasn't sure how to process what was happening. When I see the video I see flames and smoke. I hear nothing. When I was reading the book I could give myself a chance to set the book aside, close my eyes, and create the picture from the words. That was much more emotional to me. My senses were alive. It made the situation more real, somehow, being played out through these characters who, I'm sure, represented actual people. How many people found themselves in the same situation of not knowing where a loved one was; or having a loved one who was a first responder on that day? What was the pain like to not be in contact with that loved one or hear that they were inside the towers when they collapsed? I really couldn't imagine until I read about how it affected this character, Jamie, and her husband, Jake, one of hundreds of firefighters who died when the South Tower collapsed. He left behind a grieving wife and a four-year-old daughter, Sierra.

From there the book switched directions and suddenly Jake is found. Jamie meets him at the hospital and is stunned by his injuries and the fact that he is alive, in front of her. She can't believe the chances of this happening. It takes weeks for the injuries to heal and for him to work through his memory loss from severe head trauma. He eventually goes back home and reunites with Sierra, who was the only person he COULD remember; however, he still doesn't remember being a firefighter or being married or having a daughter. People begin to question why his memory loss is so severe; they notice subtle differences that don't remind them of the Jake they used to know. Jake, a devout Christian and follower of Christ, kept a tattered Bible and journal where he shared his secrets, prayers, promises, and hopes for his life with God and for his family. It was through his Bible and journal that he began to regain his memory, only to realize that he is not actually Jake. He is Eric Michaels, a man who looks nearly identical to Jake and came into contact with him when the South Tower was collapsing. Eric was somehow blasted out of the building with Jake's helmet in his hand, and was found by the captain of the NY fire department. All this time Jamie and Sierra have been living with a stranger, retraining a stranger to be a husband and wife who, before that awful day, had turned away from God, was bitter, and whose marriage was suffering greatly.

God used Karen in this book in so many ways. Another thing I noticed when reading this book was the devotion of Jamie and Jake's relationship. They've been in love since they were twelve. They have a perfect daughter. The only thing standing in the way of their love jumping the boundaries is that Jamie is reluctant to become a Christian. She thinks God "allowed" her parents to die in a car crash when she was a teenager. She thinks God is a God who allows bad things to happen yet still wants people to follow and trust in Him. It was only through Jake's death and knowing that Jake's only wish for her was to know God that she could truly live.

Jake wrote in letters to her that God had so much more to offer her and he had a feeling that things were about to change in the future; he and God had a "deal." Jamie never expected that deal to involve his death. Throughout the book they refer to Sierra, who used to go to church with Jake and was being raised as a Christian kind of like a single parent. They would pray for "Mommy to know Jesus." They would always talk about walking the streets of Heaven hand in hand someday. The image they created of Heaven was one of such peace.

One year after Jake's death the book ends with Jamie and Sierra going to their favorite beach spot with a white balloon. Sierra writes a short message and her name on the balloon and then gives it butterfly kisses. She asks Mommy if she thinks Daddy will get the message faster with the butterfly kisses. Then they let the balloon go and soon it disappears into the sky. Together the two imagine Jake standing by the pearly gates, receiving the balloon, and giving them the biggest grin through the clouds. It's been a hard few months but Jamie has become a Christian. She looks up at the sky and says, "Jake, it's me. I've stopped running from the things I'm afraid of. Isn't it amazing how God answered your prayer for me? I miss you every day, every minute...Save a place for me up there because one of these days we'll be together again..."

It's the most touching image of an earthly love that is made more powerful, more abundant, more perfect because GOD is at its center. Jamie ends her prayer knowing that she doesn't have to wonder how Jake is doing, how he's spending his time in Heaven. She knows. She can see him clear as day. When she returns to Sierra, her daughter says, "When you walked out there just now I thought I saw Daddy in the sky." Jamie's breath hitches and she asks, "What was he doing?" Sierra says, "The most wonderful thing, Mommy" with sparkling eyes. "....He was smiling."

I remember reading that last sentence outside on the deck with our 4th of July company talking away. It brought me to sobs as I closed the book. I ran up to my room because I was completely embarrassed as to why I was crying so hard. This was the night I had my Haiti breakdown, oddly. It all meshed together. But suddenly thoughts were flowing through my head faster than I could process. I was thinking about love--earthly and Heavenly; what Heaven is really like; how it must feel to die; running away from a fear of death; raising a daughter so young who is such a strong believer in Christ; how to reassure those out there who aren't believers in Christ that they can spend eternity in a place free of corruption, death, tears, and fear someday; how we can be more compassionate and sensitive to the needs of others; what the appropriate way to grieve is. I thought about the fact that I've never known an earthly love, an earthly passion for one to so strongly know and live through Christ, as Jake and Jamie did. And I won't find an earthly love until I start loving myself the way God does. Their love was insurpassable, absolutely indestructable. Jake loved Jamie MORE because of her flaws and her fears. She was human. She learned so much from him: That God is VICTORIOUS over ALL, which includes death! God is our single source of strength. He HAS to be. And we have nothing to fear.

"We cannot run from death. Eventually, it will catch each of us and often at an hour when we are unaware. For that reason we need to love without limit and be ready to face our Maker as long as we draw breath." Karen's quote is the truth from God Himself, and one that I continue to run from or stuff under the carpet as I've done for as long as I can remember. I've searched the explanation for how people can be so calm, so prepared, when they know of death in advance. Take someone who has terminal cancer, for example. While I'm thinking about how it physically feels to die, to take a last breath, to lose all the function in your body, I'm also thinking about how people who are dying seem to find some irreplaceable peace, some bright light, endless comfort...The last prayer Jake wrote for Jamie was, "I've prayed for God to touch your heart...He means everything to me, and I know that one day He'll mean everything to you, too. On that day, you'll no longer have to be afraid, because you'll have God Almighty to lean on." What a beautiful prayer that extends to the WORLD, not just the spine of this book. Its promise is true. We yearn to know peace! Philippians tells us to let go and let God so that peace which surpasses understanding enables us to live.

When I read this book I took a look at how Jamie learned to cope with such loss. They go to the beach with the balloon one whole year after Jake's death. If you've ever been through tragedy and loss, you find yourself wondering how the heck you're going to survive; how you're going to keep putting one foot in front of the other. I've been in that place where you stop putting your feet in front of the other, where you have to retrain yourself to function. I've been in that dark place where the shades are down, the covers are up, and you're in fetal position without a thought of eating, drinking, bathing, doing anything to keep yourself alive.

God wants us to live. He does not want us to live in the past, to yearn for things which are only memories. We will always have the memories. They shape and influence who we are. They give light to others to show what we've been through. God works in such mysterious ways... I know I've had countless times when I only want to talk to someone who's been through what I have. It just makes more sense. It's more comfortable. But I've learned that it's okay to not understand how to heal right away. The healing process is painful because we are, in a sense, trees being "pruned" by God. And once we figure that out, we can start living without fear of rejection. I learned a long time ago that fear is disabling, it's crippling. It can take the brightest light out of life and leave you crumpled on the floor. Fear can make you hate yourself. It can stop your life from going anywhere. That is NOT what God intended for anyone.

Sorry, this was definitely a lot that I had on my mind. I've been looking for the best time, the best way to get it all out of my system. I apologize if none of it makes any sense or is incoherent in any way...maybe people won't learn anything from this, maybe they won't even read it. But I know that God placed all this on my heart on Sunday and I've just been dying to share it.

God Bless!

Give Until it Hurts

Each day I am home it feels as if God knows my heart even more. And since He has known the number of hairs on my head down to the way I'll pass into the streets of Heaven, it's pretty amazing. He's been giving me little miracles to help me transition back to life here. And maybe it makes things more bearable, yes; but I've secretly been hoping that I do NOT transition back...not fully, at least. What joy it has been for my heart to carry around the things I experienced there. I brought back a piece of the land, a piece of the children, a piece of the beauty and wonder, the people....the sorrow, the pain, the poverty...they outline my heart and have created its own tapestry. Tonight our team that traveled to Haiti together is meeting up to go buy some items for the soccer team from Haiti (who will be playing in the USA Cup this weekend in Blaine) to bring with them when returning home in a week. I am so excited to see everyone that I can't contain myself!

Ever since I've been back I've been thinking about how to love people more...not just my family, but complete strangers. You have to know deep down that something connects all of us to each other. We're still connected to those we have nothing in common with. The desire to serve and help has grown beyond what I thought it could--and my career is one that is already devoted to love, caring, and service. The great Mother Teresa said, "Love is not patronizing and charity isn't about pity, it is about love. Charity and love are the same -- with charity you give love, so don't just give money but reach out your hand instead." This was what Haiti was about. And just because we're home NOW doesn't mean we lose the duty to be the hands and feet of Jesus. There is an aching world out there. People are hurting, lost, and confused--not just in Haiti. In St. Paul, Minnesota. In Dubuque, Montana. In Los Angeles. In every village, town, and state in our own country and around the world. You don't have to help someone climb Mount Everest to "help" them. I think I've realized that.

When I reached down to hold the hand of a baby in Haiti, that was enough. How did I know? Because I looked down into that baby's eyes. She didn't smile because she didn't know what joy was. But she was pleading and thanking me at the same time. If we're not helping others, we're unhelping ourselves....we're unraveling. Each person has his or her right to determine how much to give, how much to help...but I want to GIVE UNTIL IT HURTS. If t
he suffering of any of the people in Haiti or around the world has any use at all, I've discovered, it's not to call oneself a "sufferer." Rather, the only way pain and suffering gain meaning is through communication to others. Through helping I learned, I gained. Not on purpose, but because God chose to allow this to be one of the most beautiful mysteries of life: Through helping others we discover and help a little part of ourselves.

Nummy Nummy!

Spent some time in the kitchen this afternoon with vegan recipes. I've been searching for a good way to make yogurt, so thanks to Kristina for passing along a very simple and NUMMY recipe! I love it!

Vegan yogurt: Tofu, frozen banana, frozen mango, coconut milk

Coconut lime sorbet:

11 oz can coconut milk

2 limes juice and zest

1/2 cup water

1/4 cup sugar

Thai Vermicelli Noodle Salad:

Bok choy

Vermicelli noodles, softened

Tofu, pressed, darined

Bean sprouts, carrots

Soy sauce, rice vinegar, sesame seeds

Not Indepdent, But Dependent

Isn't it ironic that today is the 4th of July? It's Independence Day...a celebration of devotion, sacrifice, and freedom. Are we not blessed to live in this place called America; where so many have worked so hard, have given up so much, for what we have today? And yet....my mind is still wandering and I've realized so many things over the past 2 weeks since I've been home....that I've truly been missing out.

My heart still has these giant fragments--that existed long before going to Haiti--but they are slowly being filled because of things I've learned and am still "processing" being back here. There is nothing that replaces love and companionship. Nothing. In Haiti I found and saw and experienced just a fraction of the things that could fill those empty holes.

Today I'm falling. I'm dependent and I have no other choice, nor do I want more choices. Dependence. Dependence on my God. My Savior who, in so many times, I've panicked and lost touch with. Today I had the return-from-Haiti breakdown. The tears, the hiccups, the inability to suddenly focus and move or to do anything besides collapse....and, although thoughts of Haiti were dispersed throughout, the breakdown was kind of a culmination of realizations; things my heart aches about; memories and situations I can't let go of; feelings without closure; lies I've been telling myself for years; the need for comfort and validation from someone, anyone, that I am worth it, good enough; that there are so many things I want in this life but I do not feel strong enough to get them, WHATEVER. I had to step back and look into myself, into the deepest parts of my soul. Too many thoughts, too many positive and negative, life-shattering and life-building moments, too many tears yet too many smiles, too many what-ifs and apologies and things lost. "Can't possibly be needed or desired, realizing you're second place to someone or something, just a guest in your own home...." The self-hatred I've placed upon myself is too large a burden to carry.

To live in memory is not a hindrance, as most people say. It's the memories that allow us to process through what we experience on a day-to-day basis. It's the memories and God's promises that give us hope for the future. There is no such thing as unfounded hope anymore.

When things change--expected or unexpected, when tragedy strikes or you experience loss, you're mourning two losses--the physical loss, but also part of your self as well--a part of you that had somehow failed to be true or right for whatever reason. You keep thinking "Today, maybe today's the day..." and you could go on waiting forever. Sometimes people think that it's too late to ask for strength, for help, for a miracle--when loss has already occurred. There is nothing further from the truth.

Today, through the events of dinner and company and what is supposed to be a celebration of freedom and unity, I felt alone, separated. I had to stay calm, to reassure myself that God is faithful, His love is redemptive. I did anything to keep my composure so much to the point that I felt like a different person, who who is hiding so much of what she feels all the time because of fear. My heart hurts today for many reasons which I can't even explain. But God knows my heart and when I cry, He cries with me. When the heartache becomes too much to handle, when you feel like you've gone through more than your body physically able to, call upon Him. When your soul is pressing through your chest and it hurts to breathe, God will say, "Come to Me all who are burdened and I will give you rest..." He will never leave His children. The tears will stop and God will sustain you. Through this I've learned that it's okay to cry--and it's okay to cry in front of people--and it's okay to love deeply enough to hurt.