Doubts

The reality of life is that it is never a done deal. Its components are never certain. You can feel called to something- you can go after it- but sometimes it just won't work out. I have come up against doubts in everything I've ever wanted to do. I went after some of these things, and I gave others up. I regret allowing others to influence my success. I wasn't passionate enough about music, even though it fills every aspect of my life. I wasn't 'smart' enough to pursue medicine, even though I took coursework for it for nearly 3 semesters before giving up. I have never been defined by giving up. It's not something I like to do. So why do I let the world around me influence me? The past few months I've really been struggling with whether or not to pursue ministry. I have looked at Master's programs for worship arts, youth ministry, and global leadership. I told my dad about my plans to apply for 5 different programs I'd been looking at, and all the doubts that I thought God had given me peace about, came flooding back. He knows that I want to travel; that my heart needs to be sustained by the love and joy that come from those around the world who may have nothing. I have been blessed with things my entire life. What do I know of the sufferings of these people? The one thing I know is that I NEED to experience this. When will it be my turn? So I told my dad all of these things, and all he could think about was the comfort access. "Well, you don't eat meat. Could you really survive there? Would you be OKAY living there for weeks, months? There are a lot of issues you need to work through before your mom and I allow you to do that...." "How long can someone work in youth ministry? What will you still be doing when you're 40, 50 years old?" "What is the average salary for someone like that? Maybe $20,000 a year? I mean, that's okay, but...." And all of these dumb doubts just come flooding back! I thought I had such a peace about ministry. I really felt called to it; that I had finally found the thing I was supposed to do: invest in the lives of people.

So now I'm back to the drawing board, re-considering medicine, which is CRAZY. I gave up nursing because I felt too stupid to be admitted into the program. I put myself through misery for 3 semesters of pre-reqs, only to tell myself that I was one of maybe 50 that would get in, out of hundreds of applicants. Not to mention that science and math were NOT my strong suits. I was meant to pursue English or the arts; or History; or something else. Music. Not math and science. So I felt comfortable changing my major to Human Services and Community Health. This still allowed me to focus on health and community leadership, but from aspects such as family structure, poverty, socioeconomic status. But somewhere inside, I was still yearning to be in medicine. It was my dream to be a surgeon or work as an emergency nurse. I have lived my life putting academic pressure on myself. I define who I am by my grades and how much homework I can do. If I receive a B grade, I have failed. I know it's not a healthy way to try to succeed without crossing repeated disappointment, but it's how I function. I strive to do well.
So now I'm looking at going back into science. I feel like I'm losing my mind, going crazy for thinking to attempt this again. I sent a request for information for an MS in Clinical Sciences with an emphasis in Critical Care/Emergency. I don't know if I am giving in and going back, or accepting doubts about ministry. I really have no idea, but I know I don't like this feeling that I have in my heart. It hurts. I've tried so hard to allow the Lord to lead me, and I was successful with it for the first time this semester, praying each day that God would just give me strength to get through that day and that day only; that He would lead me boldly and confidently and with love. So what am I doing wrong? Where am I supposed to go? What am I supposed to be pursuing?