Elizabeth Kübler-Ross was a renowned psychiatrist who spent her life working with the dying. In her book, On Death and Dying, she identified five stages of grief. These stages, collaboratively, are known as the Grieving Process. She passed away in August of 2004, leaving her last book, On Grief and Grieving, to be published post-mortem.The five stages of grief are as follows:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
1. Denial is simply what we do to SURVIVE when we experience loss. This doesn't have to be a major loss--but then again, what is considered a major loss is speculative and changes from person to person. If you've found yourself in a state of shock; and if you're wondering how YOU'RE going to go on, you're in denial.
2. Anger IS a feeling. Most people think it's not. However, anger is completely normal and NECESSARY if one is to heal. Anger is essential to closure. This doesn't mean that you're angry all the time, but that you will experience anger among many other emotions. Sometimes you feel empty, deserted, emotionless. But slowly, anger can turn into a bridge to connect you to whomever, whatever, you have lost. Anger feels better than nothing at all.
3. Bargaining occurs when you find yourself pleading with anyone, anything, with God, for more time! If only you'd done this, or that, maybe this thing or that person would still be here. Maybe you're wishing that you were the one who was gone. Maybe you think you deserve to be gone. We'll do ANYTHING to stop feeling the pain of loss.
4. Bargaining occurs in the past. You're thinking about a loss and everything that connects you to it, even though it's already happened. Depression is the opposite. You have to be completely focused in the here-and-now. This is why the emptiness--the depression--sinks in. You're at a loss of where to go, what to do, how to spend your time. We withdraw. If you've lost a loved one or maybe a spouse, you're asking what the point is to going on alone. It's depressing to realize that something very important and precious is gone and is NOT COMING BACK. You can't do anything to change what has happened.
5. Acceptance is the last stage of grief, although it doesn't ALWAYS occur last. People grieve in different ways. Maybe acceptance is the first stage and then someone progresses to denial. People can go years without ever entering a certain stage or lingering in another. Acceptance doesn't mean that living without loss is okay and feels good. No. It means that you've accepted the physical loss of something in the world. You accept that you can't ever replace what was lost, but that the connecting bridge to the emotions, to the soul, to new people and new meanings still exists and will become stronger over time.
Today, my friends, I am going through the grieving process. However, I feel like I've experienced all the stages at once. My mind is jumbled. I experienced the denial before we even left Haiti. Maybe I experienced grief Monday, June 17, when we were leaving FOR Haiti. How could I have already been thinking about coming home on June 24? Well, it's simple. Every trip ends. I didn't realize how much I didn't WANT to come home until we were already back. I felt empty. Those seven hours in the Miami airport were almost too much to bear. I never bargained. I wasn't bargaining. I was only depressed, maybe a little angry. I experienced denial for two or so days, maybe I'm still experiencing it, but now it's overlapping with the depression. I haven't been sleeping well since I got home. I woke up today exhausted, sore, miserable. I don't know how to spend my time. I want to be alone to process but I need to be with people because the loneliness hurts more. I've experienced the deepest, darkest stages of depression over the past five years. Depression is nothing new to me and I've wished to NEVER, ever be in the same place and condition I was from 2009-2011. Life was a blur, a giant black hole and I was slowly having the life (literally) sucked out of me. I was hopeless. And for no reason. Unlike this time, nothing I could think of triggered the imbalance. This time, I've got Haiti fever and it has spiked so high that I'm beginning to shut down. Everywhere I look is the pain of loss--the loss of feeling connected to my team, the loss of being back where nothing makes sense, the loss of feeling guilty for what I have here. I don't have to people to hang out with and even if I did, I feel like I'd represent a lump of coal. I feel I've lost the ability to communicate with people. I showed my aunt and uncle from Texas photos from Haiti last night and I stumbled across the same loss of words and feeling. All it did was bring the trip right back into plain view. I don't want to forget, but I don't want to remember.
Saturday, June 29, 2013
Friday, June 28, 2013
Day By Day
I'm taking the transition day by day...I don't know if I've made any more progress than the day I got home. It doesn't feel like it. I don't want to feel like my life here in the States is worthless; but I've proven to myself and others that it IS still necessary to make a few changes. For myself. For God. For the people in Haiti. I still find it weird to drive...and I've also found myself "swerving" a little more? I really can't explain that! But opening the fridge or the freezer is weird, too. I think I've lost my appetite because I can't handle all the choices. My third day back at work was good. No one around me knows the turbulence occurring in my heart! When I work with my babies I keep thinking of my OTHER babies back in Haiti. When I'm frustrated with babies who won't stop crying and I know they've had a bottle, a diaper change, and a nap; I can't help but think "Don't you know there are thousands of dying babies in Haiti who are NOT crying even though they have nothing?! They've been sitting in the same diapers filled with waste for who knows how long; they are trying to sleep in 100 degree plus weather, etc., etc........."
I find myself trying to love more and more, more than I ever have before, despite any differences. In Haiti, I found that love is ALL that matters...The situation that keeps coming back to me is still the one with Edwens. I can't get the barrier of love and hate out of my mind. I hate myself some days for allowing this situation to take such a stronghold.
"I have found the paradox that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love."-Mother Teresa
I don't think I've ever had such a lesson smack me in the face like this one did; only I'm really realizing the consequences now that I'm home. Usually I'm not a live-in-the-moment kind of person, but this ordeal caused me to focus on nothing but! LOVE. One word, so many connotations, implications, but action....action. Love is an action. You can try to look for love and lessons from God in the every day things....the common things. You can look at the children in Haiti and think "Hey, those are like the kids I saw on that TV where they ask you to donate money...." but you GET there and it's a reality. You have to try to find love where it hurts the most---where it's NOT happening. You have to try to learn the hardest lessons in places where you didn't think lessons could be learned. Only then will you have worked so hard, pushed hard enough, to find release.
Our last morning in Haiti, we traveled back to Grace Village and attended the church service. OH MI GOOOSH as the Haitians would say...INCREDIBLE. So passionate. So moving! So emotional. Despite the fact that I was cradling a girl who had fallen asleep in my arms and was sweating bucketfuls, it didn't matter. I don't remember the last time I went to a church service and felt at home...felt...connected. The gates flooded open that morning. I was chosen for that service. I was flooded with grace and mercy. I don't know why Betline chose me to hold her. I don't know why I was welcomed, just one of many. I don't know why. I may never know why. I don't know why God chose ME. But I do know that God is sovereign and that to every situation in life, we are called to say, "Yes, Lord." We have a choice each time we stumble across hardships. What seemed like hardships before NOW are pebbles. The gates have been opened and I can travel farther than I ever have allowed myself to, without FEAR.
Thursday, June 27, 2013
Home: Transition Phase
BREAK MY HEART FOR WHAT BREAKS YOURS
"Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will." -Romans 12:2
What do I want to start doing, and why?
What do I want to stop doing, and why?
There is no better question to discover our values, gifts, and talents than the question, What makes you angry? So, what makes you angry? What injustice did I see in Haiti, and does it show me anything new about myself? How will I put this into practice?
"And the Spirit of the Lord shall rest upon him, the Spirit of wisdom and understanding, the Spirit of counsel and might, the Spirit of knowledge and the fear of the Lord. And his delight shall be in the fear of the Lord. He shall not judge by what his eyes see, or decide disputes by what his ears hear, but with righteousness he shall judge the poor, and decide with equity for the meek of the earth; and he shall strike the earth with the rod of his mouth, and with the breath of his lips he shall kill the wicked. Righteousness shall be the belt of his waist, and faithfulness the belt of his loins." -Isaiah 11:2-5
Going Home
June 24, 2013
It's 1:47p in Miami. Just arrived after going through customs. I can't believe two things: A) That we have a 7-hour layover in Miami before heading home, and B) That we have left Haiti. Last night was hard. Hard to come up with a word of the day because it still seemed like we had just arrived in Haiti....hard to process the week's entirety and sum its events up into one word....hard to imagine what it was going to be like arriving on the Miami strip and knowing you're about to walk into a nice airport teeming with restaurants, shops, and indoor bathrooms where you can flush the toilet and use the water. I already don't like these feelings stirring inside me, like I'm somehow missing out on something so much bigger....that I'm being forced to acclimate to a different place all over again. Essentially that's what is happening here. I don't like it. Take me back! Although I am not an "in the moment" processor, I know enough that I want to back in the guest house, out on the streets, back in the overwhelming heat that is so powerful you don't know how you're physically functioning....back with the infants, children, smiles, and wonderful people.
I am so thankful...BEYOND thankful for everything.
Cradling sick and dying babies who are living in conditions that only prolong their illnesses and suffering....They are laying in rickety cribs with hot, sweaty skin against donated sheets, no gloves to change diapers or administer medications....
Water for bottles that comes from old ethyl alcohol containers...
Holding the hands of toddlers and kids who have been abandoned because of a disability or simply because their parents didn't want them....
Telling the kid who was found in a dumpster at age 7 and who is now a teenager that he is a human being who is worth fighting for...
Being in the middle of a mob when we delivered water in the largest slum of the Western Hemisphere...
Seeing the desperation and panic of not receiving a bucket of water to last the week...
Carrying more children than you're able to and trying to walk with them hanging off your limbs over the dirty ground of the slum that is covered with blood, feces, dirt, rocks, cut up glass, garbage, old food, animals, animal waste, and more...
Being invited into a home that is made of dirt, tin, and one tarp...
Smelling the smell of human and animal waste, garbage, and contaminated water as you drive down the street...
Inhaling polluted air and fossil fuels as trucks drive down the freeways....
Hanging on for dear life in the top-top yet secretly enjoying the wearing no seatbelt thing...
Taking a freezing cold shower that feels so good and then dripping sweat all over again the second you get out...
Eating the best mango, pineapple, and Haitian fruits and vegetables you've ever had....
Learning to trust the community members of Haitian neighborhoods who appreciate your help, testimonies, and smiles and willingness to be real and raw without judgment....
The development of my testimony....testifying God's life, love, and mercy as I follow His commands....
Realizing that the world is a messy place but progress starts with just one...and
Knowing that there is a place in my heart reserved for Haiti that will never be filled again but will continue to grow deeper each time I return....
I will testify to the love and a be a witness to those who are oppressed in silence ...giving thanks to God who called me to Haiti not to be served, but to serve....I take away so much more from these people than anything I did in this place. Every act of mercy and step towards grace and fulfilling God's commands on Earth tells me YES, this is the choice I have made and there is no way it could be wrong! In multiple ways, I was washed by the water. The first day I saw children and got to interact with them, I was extremely selfish. I was selfish and I knew it and it ripped my heart in two. I hated myself. Why? These children who were clambering up my body made a beeline for me and kept yelling, "Chinwa!" which means "Chinese" in Creole. I knew that was what they were saying and I've never felt myself mentally shut down so quick in my life. Really? As if I didn't already have to deal with this enough at home, now I had to experience it here too? Could I ever escape who I am? Will I always hate that part of me and shun others who notice it? It's the cross I carry every day of my life. It is what shames me and disgusts me, and yet I realized what a barrier it was. I told myself to shape up. I asked God to help me see my selfishness through His eyes. I prayed, "Lord, I am maybe all these kids have...one smile, two hands to hold, one heart to care. I do not want to go home and say that I didn't love or give or provide less than 300%. You have called me into life! Is this not the type of fasting I have chosen, to care for the oppressed, to advocate for those in poverty; for the widows, the children, the orphans? And God changed my heart. I got to experience the passion and joy at church on Sunday morning. I lifted ,y hands and we closed our eyes and praised God in English and Creole. It was one of the most amazing experiences I've had...and I cradled a Haitian girl in my arms through the whole of it.
It's 1:47p in Miami. Just arrived after going through customs. I can't believe two things: A) That we have a 7-hour layover in Miami before heading home, and B) That we have left Haiti. Last night was hard. Hard to come up with a word of the day because it still seemed like we had just arrived in Haiti....hard to process the week's entirety and sum its events up into one word....hard to imagine what it was going to be like arriving on the Miami strip and knowing you're about to walk into a nice airport teeming with restaurants, shops, and indoor bathrooms where you can flush the toilet and use the water. I already don't like these feelings stirring inside me, like I'm somehow missing out on something so much bigger....that I'm being forced to acclimate to a different place all over again. Essentially that's what is happening here. I don't like it. Take me back! Although I am not an "in the moment" processor, I know enough that I want to back in the guest house, out on the streets, back in the overwhelming heat that is so powerful you don't know how you're physically functioning....back with the infants, children, smiles, and wonderful people.
I am so thankful...BEYOND thankful for everything.
Cradling sick and dying babies who are living in conditions that only prolong their illnesses and suffering....They are laying in rickety cribs with hot, sweaty skin against donated sheets, no gloves to change diapers or administer medications....
Water for bottles that comes from old ethyl alcohol containers...
Holding the hands of toddlers and kids who have been abandoned because of a disability or simply because their parents didn't want them....
Telling the kid who was found in a dumpster at age 7 and who is now a teenager that he is a human being who is worth fighting for...
Being in the middle of a mob when we delivered water in the largest slum of the Western Hemisphere...
Seeing the desperation and panic of not receiving a bucket of water to last the week...
Carrying more children than you're able to and trying to walk with them hanging off your limbs over the dirty ground of the slum that is covered with blood, feces, dirt, rocks, cut up glass, garbage, old food, animals, animal waste, and more...
Being invited into a home that is made of dirt, tin, and one tarp...
Smelling the smell of human and animal waste, garbage, and contaminated water as you drive down the street...
Inhaling polluted air and fossil fuels as trucks drive down the freeways....
Hanging on for dear life in the top-top yet secretly enjoying the wearing no seatbelt thing...
Taking a freezing cold shower that feels so good and then dripping sweat all over again the second you get out...
Eating the best mango, pineapple, and Haitian fruits and vegetables you've ever had....
Learning to trust the community members of Haitian neighborhoods who appreciate your help, testimonies, and smiles and willingness to be real and raw without judgment....
The development of my testimony....testifying God's life, love, and mercy as I follow His commands....
Realizing that the world is a messy place but progress starts with just one...and
Knowing that there is a place in my heart reserved for Haiti that will never be filled again but will continue to grow deeper each time I return....
I will testify to the love and a be a witness to those who are oppressed in silence ...giving thanks to God who called me to Haiti not to be served, but to serve....I take away so much more from these people than anything I did in this place. Every act of mercy and step towards grace and fulfilling God's commands on Earth tells me YES, this is the choice I have made and there is no way it could be wrong! In multiple ways, I was washed by the water. The first day I saw children and got to interact with them, I was extremely selfish. I was selfish and I knew it and it ripped my heart in two. I hated myself. Why? These children who were clambering up my body made a beeline for me and kept yelling, "Chinwa!" which means "Chinese" in Creole. I knew that was what they were saying and I've never felt myself mentally shut down so quick in my life. Really? As if I didn't already have to deal with this enough at home, now I had to experience it here too? Could I ever escape who I am? Will I always hate that part of me and shun others who notice it? It's the cross I carry every day of my life. It is what shames me and disgusts me, and yet I realized what a barrier it was. I told myself to shape up. I asked God to help me see my selfishness through His eyes. I prayed, "Lord, I am maybe all these kids have...one smile, two hands to hold, one heart to care. I do not want to go home and say that I didn't love or give or provide less than 300%. You have called me into life! Is this not the type of fasting I have chosen, to care for the oppressed, to advocate for those in poverty; for the widows, the children, the orphans? And God changed my heart. I got to experience the passion and joy at church on Sunday morning. I lifted ,y hands and we closed our eyes and praised God in English and Creole. It was one of the most amazing experiences I've had...and I cradled a Haitian girl in my arms through the whole of it.
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
One Last Chance
June 23, 2013
Today is the last full day. Today is the last full day. Today is the last full day. That's all that's going through my mind. HOW?! I can't leave. I don't want to leave. What is there for me back home? Can't this be home, too? I think we're all struggling with this. This is the last day to fulfill what we came here to do, which means we are going back to Grace Village to conduct a sort of life skills/activity fair with the 56 kiddos. One station was solar energy, another was Hemoglobin testing, another was zumba/yoga/physical fitness, another was music, and then there was a transition group where the kids could play on the playground and have a snack. The day was very, very successful!
Today is the last full day. Today is the last full day. Today is the last full day. That's all that's going through my mind. HOW?! I can't leave. I don't want to leave. What is there for me back home? Can't this be home, too? I think we're all struggling with this. This is the last day to fulfill what we came here to do, which means we are going back to Grace Village to conduct a sort of life skills/activity fair with the 56 kiddos. One station was solar energy, another was Hemoglobin testing, another was zumba/yoga/physical fitness, another was music, and then there was a transition group where the kids could play on the playground and have a snack. The day was very, very successful!
Pushing Through
June 21, 2013
At this point I'm starting to get used to the heat, our routine, etc. Today we went back to Cite Soleil with the water truck. It was a cluttered, claustrophobic, pandemonium-like array of chaos! :) Pushing, shoving, more jammed fingers, lots of "budging" and getting out of line. It was good to be at the hose again. It was almost a way for me to stay focused, busy. Sometimes I felt myself closing off, whether it was because of the clinginess and constant touching and begging to be held. I work with babies at home! I love babies and all children. This just got to be a tad too much. I think my fear of not knowing how to handle the situation and turn it away kindly and respectfully got in the way.
At the water stop, while we were waiting to refill the truck for a second run, I had the opportunity to conduct my FIRST NURSING INTERVENTION AS AN RN!!! I was beaming with joy. My heart yearned to have this opportunity. A Haitian worker onsite came up to the top-top asking if someone could clean the wound on his hand. Our team leader stated there was a nurse who could maybe help. I immediately agreed and took out the first aid kit. I donned gloves and went to see my patient! He had an index finger laceration--not wide, but deep enough I could see raw skin, dirt, and gravel in the crack. I did my best to clean the area and then placed a medicated gauze roll into the laceration. I then bandaged him up and instructed him on what to do, with the help of the translators. The man was so grateful, even though, in my heart, I yearned to tell him more, to provide more care. That was one of my most rewarding moments.
We showered after doing a second run in a different part of the slum, then changed and headed downtown Port au Prince to the general hospital, the only public hospital that remained intact and open during the 2010 earthquake. The conditions were unbearable to us all, but to me as a nurse on a more personal level. We were instructed to stay with any babies who didn't have parents with them in the wing, but many of the parents were seated next to the cribs. You saw garbage cans piled high with supplies, needles, body fluid that was not contained. No sharps containers. No gloves. Water for bottles being stored in old ethyl alcohol containers...you wonder about the sterility of NG tubes and G tubes...the HEAT alone was enough to make worse any condition. The looks in the eyes of the babies, the children, said "Please help me....do something, anything..." It was too much to handle...made you so raw inside that you leave expressionless, emotionless, speechless. I didn't have time to process. You try NOT to think about medical conditions back in the States, the rules, laws, and regulations for patient safety and cleanliness...infection control? All out the window. They are doing the best they can with what they have. It made me feel helpless.
There have been many hard parts of this trip. They have been emotional, relational, physical, mental, spiritual......
EMOTIONAL- seeing the way the Haitians live, my heart breaks for the conditions, for the babies, the children, the poverty, the elders, the abandonment, and so much more....my heart has truly been broken for what breaks God's heart.
PHYSICAL- adjusting to the heat, poor hygiene, lack of preventive care, lack of knowledge about health conditions and healthy eating
RELATIONAL- relating with the team has been AWESOME; but out in the community sometimes it's hard, in a new place, not to be too cautious or paranoid
SPIRITUAL- this is not a trip for evangelism. It is developing a relationship with the Haitians that fosters love and trust and service so that they can SEE we are the hands and feet of Christ
PERSEVERANCE- If the Haitians can live this way, I certainly can for 7 days. I can put aside my differences, the comparisons to home, and soak up the joyous struggles of here and now.
At this point I'm starting to get used to the heat, our routine, etc. Today we went back to Cite Soleil with the water truck. It was a cluttered, claustrophobic, pandemonium-like array of chaos! :) Pushing, shoving, more jammed fingers, lots of "budging" and getting out of line. It was good to be at the hose again. It was almost a way for me to stay focused, busy. Sometimes I felt myself closing off, whether it was because of the clinginess and constant touching and begging to be held. I work with babies at home! I love babies and all children. This just got to be a tad too much. I think my fear of not knowing how to handle the situation and turn it away kindly and respectfully got in the way.
At the water stop, while we were waiting to refill the truck for a second run, I had the opportunity to conduct my FIRST NURSING INTERVENTION AS AN RN!!! I was beaming with joy. My heart yearned to have this opportunity. A Haitian worker onsite came up to the top-top asking if someone could clean the wound on his hand. Our team leader stated there was a nurse who could maybe help. I immediately agreed and took out the first aid kit. I donned gloves and went to see my patient! He had an index finger laceration--not wide, but deep enough I could see raw skin, dirt, and gravel in the crack. I did my best to clean the area and then placed a medicated gauze roll into the laceration. I then bandaged him up and instructed him on what to do, with the help of the translators. The man was so grateful, even though, in my heart, I yearned to tell him more, to provide more care. That was one of my most rewarding moments.
We showered after doing a second run in a different part of the slum, then changed and headed downtown Port au Prince to the general hospital, the only public hospital that remained intact and open during the 2010 earthquake. The conditions were unbearable to us all, but to me as a nurse on a more personal level. We were instructed to stay with any babies who didn't have parents with them in the wing, but many of the parents were seated next to the cribs. You saw garbage cans piled high with supplies, needles, body fluid that was not contained. No sharps containers. No gloves. Water for bottles being stored in old ethyl alcohol containers...you wonder about the sterility of NG tubes and G tubes...the HEAT alone was enough to make worse any condition. The looks in the eyes of the babies, the children, said "Please help me....do something, anything..." It was too much to handle...made you so raw inside that you leave expressionless, emotionless, speechless. I didn't have time to process. You try NOT to think about medical conditions back in the States, the rules, laws, and regulations for patient safety and cleanliness...infection control? All out the window. They are doing the best they can with what they have. It made me feel helpless.
There have been many hard parts of this trip. They have been emotional, relational, physical, mental, spiritual......
EMOTIONAL- seeing the way the Haitians live, my heart breaks for the conditions, for the babies, the children, the poverty, the elders, the abandonment, and so much more....my heart has truly been broken for what breaks God's heart.
PHYSICAL- adjusting to the heat, poor hygiene, lack of preventive care, lack of knowledge about health conditions and healthy eating
RELATIONAL- relating with the team has been AWESOME; but out in the community sometimes it's hard, in a new place, not to be too cautious or paranoid
SPIRITUAL- this is not a trip for evangelism. It is developing a relationship with the Haitians that fosters love and trust and service so that they can SEE we are the hands and feet of Christ
PERSEVERANCE- If the Haitians can live this way, I certainly can for 7 days. I can put aside my differences, the comparisons to home, and soak up the joyous struggles of here and now.
A Bit of Beauty
June 20, 2013
Today was interesting. Interesting mix of activities and leisure, of relaxation and refreshment, although the refreshment came a little late for my mood. After breakfast we headed out to Grace Village in Titanyen, about 45 minutes away from the guest house. It's located near the mountains and the water. Here the air is clear, the poverty is spread out. There is grass and trees. You can see for miles! It's absolutely beautiful. I was so excited to be in Titanyen after hearing so much about it. We pulled into the rocky lot and before we were even out of the truck, a boy was pointing at me from the door. He was staring. I was a little scared. He immediately clutched my hand in a death grip. I initially smiled, asked his name and age. He replied, "Edwens, 12." While I tried to regain circulation in my hand I noticed that he kept saying something that sounded like "Chinwa." I, of course, knew what it was. "Chinois" in French means "Chinese." As soon as I realized that, my mood plummeted. I can't escape this game even back home, and now I have to deal with it here, too? Why can't I just appear white like everyone else? Why am I so intimidated by a 12 year old boy? I was offended, upset, suddenly needed to be away from people, untouched. But he kept paying attention, pointing, whispering to the other kids who would then divert their gazes to me. He kept finding me and clinging to me no matter how many buildings we went in and out of on the tour. Over and over again I told him, "Je ne suis pas de Chinois" (I am not Chinese) and he would give me a confused look. It was almost a painful experience. I was angry that I couldn't just let it go. It felt unfair. For such an issue that affects me every day of my life, I couldn't escape. By the time the tour was finished I was anxious to leave. I started to fear returning for a full day on Saturday.
After we visited with the elderly we traveled 25 minutes to Wahoo Bay Resort, where we spent the rest of the afternoon basking in the Haitian sun. It was wonderful to see the beautiful parts of Haiti, to consider the potential for the country. We were able to kick back and relax and freshen up. We all got lots of sun and water sprays (ahem....ahem.....) and I actually CRIED at the sight of red crabs. It was a pretty laidback afternoon. It was obviously a day filled with an array of activities!
Today was interesting. Interesting mix of activities and leisure, of relaxation and refreshment, although the refreshment came a little late for my mood. After breakfast we headed out to Grace Village in Titanyen, about 45 minutes away from the guest house. It's located near the mountains and the water. Here the air is clear, the poverty is spread out. There is grass and trees. You can see for miles! It's absolutely beautiful. I was so excited to be in Titanyen after hearing so much about it. We pulled into the rocky lot and before we were even out of the truck, a boy was pointing at me from the door. He was staring. I was a little scared. He immediately clutched my hand in a death grip. I initially smiled, asked his name and age. He replied, "Edwens, 12." While I tried to regain circulation in my hand I noticed that he kept saying something that sounded like "Chinwa." I, of course, knew what it was. "Chinois" in French means "Chinese." As soon as I realized that, my mood plummeted. I can't escape this game even back home, and now I have to deal with it here, too? Why can't I just appear white like everyone else? Why am I so intimidated by a 12 year old boy? I was offended, upset, suddenly needed to be away from people, untouched. But he kept paying attention, pointing, whispering to the other kids who would then divert their gazes to me. He kept finding me and clinging to me no matter how many buildings we went in and out of on the tour. Over and over again I told him, "Je ne suis pas de Chinois" (I am not Chinese) and he would give me a confused look. It was almost a painful experience. I was angry that I couldn't just let it go. It felt unfair. For such an issue that affects me every day of my life, I couldn't escape. By the time the tour was finished I was anxious to leave. I started to fear returning for a full day on Saturday.
New medical center being built
Aquaponics farm
After that experience I wasn't sure how the rest of the day would go, but I had to recover mentally. We went down the hill into Titanyen and visited some of the elderly residents. We greeted them with bananas and peanut butter sandwiches and got to pray and sing with each of them. We were humbly invited into their homes if so desired, where none of us could imagine the conditions or the selflessness.
104 years old, this precious gem!
Wahoo Bay Resort
After we visited with the elderly we traveled 25 minutes to Wahoo Bay Resort, where we spent the rest of the afternoon basking in the Haitian sun. It was wonderful to see the beautiful parts of Haiti, to consider the potential for the country. We were able to kick back and relax and freshen up. We all got lots of sun and water sprays (ahem....ahem.....) and I actually CRIED at the sight of red crabs. It was a pretty laidback afternoon. It was obviously a day filled with an array of activities!
Yes, I forgot a swimsuit.
Living a Dependent Life
June 19, 2013
Today was a CRAZY day! For breakfast we had french toast, oatmeal, apricots, fresh cherry juice, scrambled eggs, and Kristina's vegan banana bread with Dory Mamba peanut butter. We left the guest house at 0920 to head to Cite Soleil, the largest slum in the Western Hemisphere. I don't think any of us newbies knew what to expect. I had a small idea but when I truly saw the region, I couldn't believe it. More people than you've ever seen at one time, crammed into huts and tarps or tents or nothing at all....the smell of sewage and fresh waste and dirty water ditches filled with every kind of trash imaginable....livestock wandering around. The cobblestone streets are covered with filth and grime. You have no idea what you're walking in. As the truck is driving down the street children are running around yelling, "HEY YOU! HEY YOU! HEY YOOOU!" to us. They clamber onto the truck as we stop at the designated spot. The doors open and we're all attacked by children wanting attention, needing to be touched, held. I've never been CLIMBED on like a tree by anyone, much less someone taller than me! I went over to the water truck to help with the water hose and to make sure buckets were lined up properly. You've never seen so many people in a single line with their water buckets. You've never seen such aggression and pandemonium, panic, fear of losing a bucket and not having water. Fingers are being jammed in an effort to push filled buckets away, people are pushing, shoving, waiting. Water is splashing everywhere. People would return time and time again until the water runs out. With clinging children the team headed out to the sea where the slum turns into a giant crater-like area. Here is where business is done--every kind of business. Cooking, eating, going to the bathroom, throwing trash, burying the dead. It's a home for livestock as well, who soak in the mud. Along the way we're stumbling on rocks, broken glass, trash, body fluids. The kids are barefoot, some are naked. We were told the story of the surrounding areas and sang songs together before returning to the water truck. At that point we said goodbye and went to the water truck stop, where we filled up and prepared to do one more water run, but in a different area of Cite Soleil. By the time we were finished, we were wet and filthy. It was hard to say goodbye to the kids. They knew we were leaving and that they might see another team from Healing Haiti come back next week. The experience was eye-opening, almost traumatic, definitely overwhelming. As an active participant, I saw a glimpse of a people who have NOTHING and still are so joyous.
Today was a CRAZY day! For breakfast we had french toast, oatmeal, apricots, fresh cherry juice, scrambled eggs, and Kristina's vegan banana bread with Dory Mamba peanut butter. We left the guest house at 0920 to head to Cite Soleil, the largest slum in the Western Hemisphere. I don't think any of us newbies knew what to expect. I had a small idea but when I truly saw the region, I couldn't believe it. More people than you've ever seen at one time, crammed into huts and tarps or tents or nothing at all....the smell of sewage and fresh waste and dirty water ditches filled with every kind of trash imaginable....livestock wandering around. The cobblestone streets are covered with filth and grime. You have no idea what you're walking in. As the truck is driving down the street children are running around yelling, "HEY YOU! HEY YOU! HEY YOOOU!" to us. They clamber onto the truck as we stop at the designated spot. The doors open and we're all attacked by children wanting attention, needing to be touched, held. I've never been CLIMBED on like a tree by anyone, much less someone taller than me! I went over to the water truck to help with the water hose and to make sure buckets were lined up properly. You've never seen so many people in a single line with their water buckets. You've never seen such aggression and pandemonium, panic, fear of losing a bucket and not having water. Fingers are being jammed in an effort to push filled buckets away, people are pushing, shoving, waiting. Water is splashing everywhere. People would return time and time again until the water runs out. With clinging children the team headed out to the sea where the slum turns into a giant crater-like area. Here is where business is done--every kind of business. Cooking, eating, going to the bathroom, throwing trash, burying the dead. It's a home for livestock as well, who soak in the mud. Along the way we're stumbling on rocks, broken glass, trash, body fluids. The kids are barefoot, some are naked. We were told the story of the surrounding areas and sang songs together before returning to the water truck. At that point we said goodbye and went to the water truck stop, where we filled up and prepared to do one more water run, but in a different area of Cite Soleil. By the time we were finished, we were wet and filthy. It was hard to say goodbye to the kids. They knew we were leaving and that they might see another team from Healing Haiti come back next week. The experience was eye-opening, almost traumatic, definitely overwhelming. As an active participant, I saw a glimpse of a people who have NOTHING and still are so joyous.
Living on a Mission
June 17, 2013
Evening
So far today has been awesome. Flying into Haiti, looking out the plane window, was wonderful. Stunning. Beautiful. Majestic. Call it what you will, but it's SURREAL to know we're FINALLY HERE! When we landed we went through customs with our bags, which was thankfully a breeze. I've never gone through customs without the help of my dad. We spent some time waiting for all our luggage and piling it on to the carts. We walked our luggage outside into the stunning heat--started sweating immediately--and met our Haitian crew at the top-top, our transportation for the week.
There are 3 team members who have been here before and 8 who have not. We took a long, bumpy ride through back streets to get to the guest house, our home for the week. The girls split between 2 rooms and the guys took the other. There is a living area, a kitchen area, 2 bathrooms, and an outdoor patio. It is a very nice place. When we arrived we had a little tour of the guest house and got to see guest house #2 next door. We unpacked and then dinner was ready at 5:30. The table was set and neat. There are 3 wonderful cooks who prepared the meal. Tonight was tacos (so American, non?!) After dinner and clean-up, we had "team meeting" to go over rules for the week and the plans for Tuesday morning. We're pretty exhausted from a long day of travel.
Evening
So far today has been awesome. Flying into Haiti, looking out the plane window, was wonderful. Stunning. Beautiful. Majestic. Call it what you will, but it's SURREAL to know we're FINALLY HERE! When we landed we went through customs with our bags, which was thankfully a breeze. I've never gone through customs without the help of my dad. We spent some time waiting for all our luggage and piling it on to the carts. We walked our luggage outside into the stunning heat--started sweating immediately--and met our Haitian crew at the top-top, our transportation for the week.
There are 3 team members who have been here before and 8 who have not. We took a long, bumpy ride through back streets to get to the guest house, our home for the week. The girls split between 2 rooms and the guys took the other. There is a living area, a kitchen area, 2 bathrooms, and an outdoor patio. It is a very nice place. When we arrived we had a little tour of the guest house and got to see guest house #2 next door. We unpacked and then dinner was ready at 5:30. The table was set and neat. There are 3 wonderful cooks who prepared the meal. Tonight was tacos (so American, non?!) After dinner and clean-up, we had "team meeting" to go over rules for the week and the plans for Tuesday morning. We're pretty exhausted from a long day of travel.
BONSOIR!
June 18, 2013
Morning
Breakfast at 0800 was AMAZING. Pancakes, fresh apricots, fresh squeezed papaya juice, scrambled eggs with green pepper and tomato, and 2 kinds of oatmeal. At 0900 we left to go to the Home for Sick and Dying. There was an issue with there being too many of us, so we ended up traveling to Gertrude's, a home that cares for children with disabilities, which included an hour and a half water therapy session at a local pool. It was wonderful to see the kids' faces light up. Getting to be hands-on with the kids and helping them leave the center for awhile for a fun morning was so encouraging. Usually these children are abandoned in Haiti. One was found in a dumpster when he was seven, and he is a teenager now.
After spaghetti for dinner, we had team meeting. We were each instructed to choose a word that described our day and share it with the team. It was wonderful to hear other people's opinions and get into discussion about real life issues. We were overcome with some emotion after seeing the poorest country in the world's infants. It was heartbreaking, seeing infants who don't smile and have no muscle tone when held...who are living in deplorable conditions with illness and inadequate medical care.
Our team has connected like we were meant to be together, instantly. To meet so many new people who get along and have this passion for Haiti and to serve and still maintain their individuality is just a testament to God's faithfulness and watchful eyes. This was the RIGHT group for THIS time and for THIS purpose. I've never ever been so grateful for God's protection AND new friends.
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