His Hands, His Feet, His Work, His Love

HIS HANDS, HIS FEET, HIS WORK, HIS LOVE

So I need to backtrack. The Internet in the guest house didn't hold out long enough for me to able to update my blog while I was in Haiti; but now that I'm home, it's time to add in my notes for the week.

June 17, 2013
0642

"When we handle the sick and the needy, we touch the suffering body of Christ and this touch will make us heroic; it will make us forget the repugnance and the natural tendencies in us. We need the eyes of deep faith to see Christ in the broken body and dirty clothes under which the most beautiful one among the sons of men hides. We shall need the hands of Christ to touch these bodies wounded by pain and suffering. INTENSE LOVE DOES NOT MEASURE--IT JUST GIVES." -Mother Teresa

My prayer for the next 7 days is this: That I do not rely on preconceived notions, but let go and let God.

"My message and My preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit's power, so that your faith might not rest on men's wisdom, but on God's power." -1 Corinthians 2:4-5

As I sit and contemplate what a busy few days--actually months--it's been, and realize that I'm on a plane to Haiti this very moment, I really have to say that it's only by God's power that I am here. The last few months have been bittersweet--ending a second degree of my college career, preparing for the next journey which included prepping for and taking the NCLEX to become a Registered Nurse.....I took months to study and work my way through review books and sample questions only to hear upon arrival the first day of prep class: "If you've been using any other study aid besides ours, trash it! Never look at it again! And if any of you have been studying for over 2 weeks, that's bad! Stop!" It's not like all that studying HARMED me in any way. I just felt embarrassed and slightly depressed. So maybe I was a little more stressed leaving the class that day. The next week (June 4-7) involved an 8 hour day of class learning to use a special but proven decision tree to answer each sample question. Hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of questions later, we were starting to feel more confident; but while the rest of the class was planning to take the NCLEX within the next 3 WEEKS, I had 3 DAYS. The teacher put me on an excruciating and strict study schedule to get me ready over the weekend. The day--June 11, 2013--when maybe my life would change. I took a trip to see my sick grandma in Pittsburgh that weekend but the studying didn't end. 40 pages of notes, a 4-hour, 200 item exam, a 3-hour, 180 item exam, and then a 6-hour, 265 item exam later, my brain was so fried. I got a massage and a pedicure on Monday June 11th to pamper myself and mentally prepare. I took the day easy, reviewed lab values and medications. I went to bed early, got up, drank Gatorade and ate a high-protein breakfast. Then Mom dropped me at the test center. "Aim for a short, hard test" was the advice running through my brain. Let's just say, when I left, I wasn't TOO pleased and, like everyone else, thought I had failed. When I found out I had passed, I couldn't believe it (seriously). I thought it was a joke. Me? An RN now? Did the hard work make me successful? With that burden off my shoulders, I could go to Haiti completely free and focused on what God had planned next. I could give my attention, devotion, focus, care, and love and service to those in Haiti as an RN for the first time. I realized that I WANTED to be stretched--in every way--emotionally, physically, spiritually....because I knew God was ready to give me the time of my life.

Have been I been through my own share of troubled times before? Yes. Of course. How many nights have I gone without sleep because the tears and hiccups are infinite; the negativity won't end. Through those times, I've only realized that God does NOT call those who have the answers. He does NOT call the equipped. He calls those who understand brokenness, emptiness, humiliation, the joy of giving and asking for nothing in return. HE EQUIPS THOSE HE CALLS. I do not feel inadequate about this trip! This week we work under the power of the Holy Spirit ONLY. Relying on our own flesh and blood will get us nowhere. We are a team and function as a unit. It is more blessed to give than receive. As I struggled this week to pack, I thought about certain items like a hair dryer and my makeup. Necessities? Absolutely not. Only God knew the answer here, buried. Maybe I could test myself and go without it for the week, like I've done before. How easily we take and take and take and never stop to think, or give. The people who offer testimonies using media--say you're at an event and overhear a video saying "This woman, so and so years of age, lives with sixteen people in this tent...." and it goes on. Does never having seen this in real life discredit this person's story? No. It means I have work to do in my own heart. I have to prepare.

I can come back in 8 days to more boiling showers and kitchen appliances. I can run the faucet for hours and go to Target all I want; but not without my heart being shattered; not without seeing the faces of those who have nothing yet are filled with joy. I believe in distributive justice and equal access to care. It's now 0847 and I'm trying to conjure up an image of what I expect to see. I don't know. I expect to be broken down by the physical elements and the emotional elements. Does this change what I want to do in life? Does this give God the chance to expand His Kingdom? Of course. Isn't there always a time for that?

A God who knows my heart and every past, present, and future thought does not intimidate me. It comforts me! My consistent GPS, guide to life, whom I need to refer to more often. I've so yearned to be in the place of my friends who are serving around the world. Aside from being in nursing school, my spiritual life hasn't been as strong as I know it can be. THIS is my chance to reignite. This is the culmination of many things coming together in God's perfect timing. In just under 2 months I'll be 23. Where did the time go?!?! I'm someone who is loving what I'm doing now--people say this is the best time of life--but who also yearns for the past. I embed myself in my memories. My passions are so wide and deep that I find my journey along this path called life to be a bit rocky. When I'm asked where I want to be in a few years, I have no idea. For once, I want to go where the Spirit leads me. This week, it's Haiti.