Dispelling Melancholy

Tonight's devotion talks about the LORD making us instruments of His peace: "LORD, make me an instrument. Use me." When we pray this, "the world ceases to be one's enemy. Life is no longer nasty, mean, brutish, and short; but the time one needs to make it less nasty and mean. We are brought back instantaneously to the reality of our faith, that we are NOT passive recipients but active instruments." St. Francis of Assisi wrote this:
"Where there is hatred, let me sow love. Where there is doubt, let me sow faith. Where there is despair, let me sow hope."

I really need to hear this tonight. I've still been struggling with my self-image; loneliness; depression; and where I'm supposed to be going in life. Since December I've been set on going back for my Master of Nursing, and there are all of these doubts that keep showing up at the door. They're pounding! I feel like I'm not doing anything right. I prayerfully make these decisions and feel like the Lord is calling me to something; and yet the realities and practicalities all come flooding back. Ministry or nursing? Why not both? And why is there this need for me to be at a private school? Is it just because I'm scared to be at a public school again and to face so many people? Am I that selfish that I need a small campus where my faith is promoted? I just don't know anymore. My head is swimming with ideas and possibilities and past failures and all. I know I preach not living in the past, which, with the exception of my schoolwork, I don't. I look at where I was a year ago and am disgusted with my faith. I was drowning in depression and self-infliction and I had fallen away from the Lord because I didn't even know how to approach Him. Today that's so different, but I'm still searching for answers.

I created this theory tonight: So loneliness is the physical act of being by oneself. Emptiness is what stems as a result. But loneliness is real and emptiness is not. In fact, I think emptiness is self-infliction at its highest. Emptiness means that you're letting that loneliness take over who you are; your thoughts; mostly your faith. You start to ask why no one else around you feels this empty and low. You ask yourself why you're not good enough for anyone. Time alone destroys the mind. It allows the enemy to knock you down at your lowest point; rather than accepting that yes, you may be alone but knowing that God's using that in some way. Just my thoughts!

Blessings!