I went to church with my mother this weekend. I struggled all weekend waiting for Sunday because there was this pressure in my chest, you see--it was clouding my vision, making my head and stomach hurt. I was yearning to connect with God. I needed to sing, worship, praise, let loose. I needed to just let go and let God. When we got to church we, among many others, were a few minutes late. The worship had already started. Let me remind you that WORSHIP--the music--the essence of losing myself when my hands are out and my eyes can be closed without fear and rejection, didn't really happen. I was so frazzled trying to find a seat close to the stage. I wanted to be lost in the sea of people. We ended up finding two seats in the very LAST row of the church; and for some reason, it was the end of the world. I thought,
I can't connect sitting all the way back here. We might as well be sitting in the lobby! I
hated that those thoughts were ruining what I had planned and wanted to be so fruitful. Then I realized, once the music switched to a slow song, that I didn't have to be lost in the sea of people because God was there for all of us and EACH of us at the same time. How does He do that?! Be everywhere for everyone and yet available to us as individuals? Because He is, well, GOD. He is holy. He is mighty to save, that's how. Great answer, huh? It's the truth. Only then could I let go, take a deep breath, close my eyes, and begin to feel the message of God through the music.
This service was the inaugural into a six-week study called "Summer Blockbusters," in which the church has selected six different Hollywood films and uses them to relay the sermon. The sermon was about FAITH. So. 3 Biblical ideas about FAITH, represented by Indiana Jones (and something-something....erm....I've never seen Indiana Jones, nor did I really feel like watching the clip they provided).
1. To follow Christ is to live a life of FAITH.
Ephesians 2:8 explains that is through grace that we have been saved, by FAITH.
Ephesians 3:17 goes on to pray for us as a people that Christ will strengthen us with the power of the Holy Spirit so that He dwells in ours hearts through faith.
Don't you see? Once we all stand together with the love of Christ dwelling in our hearts, how can we NOT spread the love? How can we NOT tell others? How can we keep it to ourselves? That's like having found a brilliant cure for the most rarest of diseases and telling no one. If Christ dwells in our hearts, only THEN are we able to grasp how wide, how deep, how everlasting, promising, and perfect His love really is!
2. Faith comes by hearing the Word (and hearing, from the word of God).
Romans 1:16-17 says, "For I am NOT ashamed of the gospel of Christ, for it is the
power of God to salvation for everyone who believes, for the Jew first and also
for the Greek. For in it the righteousness of God is revealed from faith to
faith; as it is written, 'The just shall live by faith.'" The just shall live by faith. What does that mean? It means that God's obviously the master of the universe. Running the world is His business and His business only; BUT we are not left out! He makes
3,573 promises to us throughout the entire Bible. The righteous man has his daily tasks to complete, and yet he lives by faithfulness. He trusts and obeys, even if he doesn't understand what God really wants. We don't get to ask, "WHY?" We are to say, "Yes, Lord!" To everything, "Yes, Lord!" When we feed off the promises of the Lord, there is no better nourishment. We are energized. Our faith grows! A promise is MORE THAN JUST HOPE; hope implies that something MAY happen. In the Bible, each of God's promises are fulfilled without absolution.
3. Faith is the doorway into God's promise land for our lives.
God is promising to us that what He wants us to do in life is GOOD. It is for His purpose. HOWEVER, this does not mean that we simply become righteous and mighty. We are not owed anything for obeying God. If we think we expect something, our acts are crushed by injustice.
I really thought about this sermon. During it, I'm sure I was wringing my hands in my lap when I wasn't taking notes. I thought,
Isn't this kind of where I am in my life right now? We're supposed to identify a time that we stepped out in faith to something that really stretched us. We were to describe how that experience made us feel and act, and did taking the leap of faith make a difference? Well, sure! I just went to Haiti and it changed my life in a way that nothing else ever has in the same context! It wasn't really a leap of faith, more like a moonjump, if you know what I mean. I'd traveled and been on loads of mission trips but, three weeks later here I am with it still so vivid in my mind, still so active every day. To be willing to step out and experience God in new ways all we can do is listen to what He is calling us to do. I know, without a doubt, that God is calling me back to Haiti.
Not now. Not the right timing.
But again, My love, He whispers to me.
A few days ago I finished reading three books by Karen Kingsbury...the 9/11 Series:
One Tuesday Morning, Beyond Tuesday Morning, and
Remember Tuesday Morning. Let me just say that Karen Kingsbury is a wonderful author whose heart for God is quite obvious in her books. He is giving her the words to speak, to change lives. Sometimes that happens through something like reading a book. It does for me everyday. I learn a little bit more about who I am through the characters. It's my escape. I don't know what I would do without it. These were three of the most influential books I've ever read--and I have read thousands of novels, 425 of which are already in my room or in a dresser in the basement.
"One Tuesday Morning is
the emotionally gripping story of a devoted firefighter, and a driven
businessman, strangers from opposite sides of the country with the same
face. They meet in the stairwell of the South Tower that fateful Tuesday
morning, but only one of them will leave the building alive. Battling
amnesia, the survivor must learn how to be the husband and father he
never was, by living in the shoes of a man who no longer is. Ultimately
he will only find his way home because of the love and faith of one very
special woman."
"In this sequel to the bestselling
One Tuesday Morning, to Jamie Bryan it is still September 12, 2001. What will move her from
living in the past to living the life God has given her today? It's
been three years since the terrorist attacks on New York City, but FDNY
widow Jamie Bryan keeps waking up to the aching pain of that one
Tuesday morning, the morning of September 11, 2001. Determined to
find meaning in her grief, Jamie pours her life into volunteer work at
St. Paul's, the small memorial chapel across from where the twin towers
once stood. In the stream of broken, grieving people who make their way
through the church doors, Jamie connects with two men—a firefighter
forever changed by the attacks, and a Los Angeles police officer. Unsure
and feeling somehow guilty, Jamie opens herself to the possibility of
loving again. But what she learns about one man sends her reeling. How
can this be God's plan for her life? Now only the persistence of a tenacious man, questions from Jamie's
curious young daughter, and words from her dead husband's journal can
move Jamie Bryan beyond one Tuesday morning—toward life."
I was only 8 when 9/11 occurred. We did not have a TV in the small classroom at the private school where I was that September morning. To be frank, I don't really know when I actually "found out" what happened. I don't remember much about coming home from school and seeing it on the news or hearing people talk about it, including my parents. Over the years I obviously did the research and managed to figure out what happened, but I didn't realize how much things in life changed because of that day. I realized later that my dad, a pilot, was supposed to be on a trip in New York that day, supposed to be flying out. Only NOW am I so thankful, grateful, and blessed that he was not called out. I don't think the enormity of what happened really hit me until I read these books. It sounds stupid, right?
It's not the same thing. I know that. Watching replays on the news or on the Internet never "got to me" as much as reading these books. Why? Maybe because I was seeing it in front of my eyes and wasn't sure how to process what was happening. When I see the video I see flames and smoke. I hear nothing. When I was reading the book I could give myself a chance to set the book aside, close my eyes, and create the picture from the words. That was much more emotional to me. My senses were alive. It made the situation more real, somehow, being played out through these characters who, I'm sure, represented actual people. How many people found themselves in the same situation of not knowing where a loved one was; or having a loved one who was a first responder on that day? What was the pain like to not be in contact with that loved one or hear that they were inside the towers when they collapsed? I really couldn't imagine until I read about how it affected this character, Jamie, and her husband, Jake, one of hundreds of firefighters who died when the South Tower collapsed. He left behind a grieving wife and a four-year-old daughter, Sierra.
From there the book switched directions and suddenly Jake is found. Jamie meets him at the hospital and is stunned by his injuries and the fact that he is alive, in front of her. She can't believe the chances of this happening. It takes weeks for the injuries to heal and for him to work through his memory loss from severe head trauma. He eventually goes back home and reunites with Sierra, who was the only person he COULD remember; however, he still doesn't remember being a firefighter or being married or having a daughter. People begin to question why his memory loss is so severe; they notice subtle differences that don't remind them of the Jake they used to know. Jake, a devout Christian and follower of Christ, kept a tattered Bible and journal where he shared his secrets, prayers, promises, and hopes for his life with God and for his family. It was through his Bible and journal that he began to regain his memory, only to realize that he is not actually Jake. He is Eric Michaels, a man who looks nearly identical to Jake and came into contact with him when the South Tower was collapsing. Eric was somehow blasted out of the building with Jake's helmet in his hand, and was found by the captain of the NY fire department. All this time Jamie and Sierra have been living with a stranger, retraining a stranger to be a husband and wife who, before that awful day, had turned away from God, was bitter, and whose marriage was suffering greatly.
God used Karen in this book in so many ways. Another thing I noticed when reading this book was the devotion of Jamie and Jake's relationship. They've been in love since they were twelve. They have a perfect daughter. The only thing standing in the way of their love jumping the boundaries is that Jamie is reluctant to become a Christian. She thinks God "allowed" her parents to die in a car crash when she was a teenager. She thinks God is a God who allows bad things to happen yet still wants people to follow and trust in Him. It was only through Jake's death and knowing that Jake's only wish for her was to know God that she could truly live.
Jake wrote in letters to her that God had so much more to offer her and he had a feeling that things were about to change in the future; he and God had a "deal." Jamie never expected that deal to involve his death. Throughout the book they refer to Sierra, who used to go to church with Jake and was being raised as a Christian kind of like a single parent. They would pray for "Mommy to know Jesus." They would always talk about walking the streets of Heaven hand in hand someday. The image they created of Heaven was one of such peace.
One year after Jake's death the book ends with Jamie and Sierra going to their favorite beach spot with a white balloon. Sierra writes a short message and her name on the balloon and then gives it butterfly kisses. She asks Mommy if she thinks Daddy will get the message faster with the butterfly kisses. Then they let the balloon go and soon it disappears into the sky. Together the two imagine Jake standing by the pearly gates, receiving the balloon, and giving them the biggest grin through the clouds. It's been a hard few months but Jamie has become a Christian. She looks up at the sky and says, "Jake, it's me. I've stopped running from the things I'm afraid of. Isn't it amazing how God answered your prayer for me? I miss you every day, every minute...Save a place for me up there because one of these days we'll be together again..."
It's the most touching image of an earthly love that is made
more powerful, more abundant, more perfect because GOD is at its center. Jamie ends her prayer knowing that she doesn't have to wonder how Jake is doing, how he's spending his time in Heaven. She knows. She can see him clear as day. When she returns to Sierra, her daughter says, "When you walked out there just now I thought I saw Daddy in the sky." Jamie's breath hitches and she asks, "What was he doing?" Sierra says, "The most wonderful thing, Mommy" with sparkling eyes. "....He was smiling."
I remember reading that last sentence outside on the deck with our 4th of July company talking away. It brought me to sobs as I closed the book. I ran up to my room because I was completely embarrassed as to why I was crying so hard. This was the night I had my Haiti breakdown, oddly. It all meshed together. But suddenly thoughts were flowing through my head faster than I could process. I was thinking about love--earthly and Heavenly; what Heaven is really like; how it must feel to die; running away from a fear of death; raising a daughter so young who is such a strong believer in Christ; how to reassure those out there who aren't believers in Christ that they can spend eternity in a place free of corruption, death, tears, and fear someday; how we can be more compassionate and sensitive to the needs of others; what the appropriate way to grieve is. I thought about the fact that I've never known an earthly love, an earthly passion for one to so strongly know and live through Christ, as Jake and Jamie did. And I won't find an earthly love until I start loving myself the way God does. Their love was insurpassable, absolutely indestructable. Jake loved Jamie MORE because of her flaws and her fears. She was human. She learned so much from him: That God is VICTORIOUS over ALL, which includes death! God is our single source of strength. He HAS to be. And we have nothing to fear.
"We cannot run from death. Eventually, it will catch each of us and often at an hour when we are unaware. For that reason we need to love without limit and be ready to face our Maker as long as we draw breath." Karen's quote is the truth from God Himself, and one that I continue to run from or stuff under the carpet as I've done for as long as I can remember. I've searched the explanation for how people can be so calm, so prepared, when they know of death in advance. Take someone who has terminal cancer, for example. While I'm thinking about how it physically feels to die, to take a last breath, to lose all the function in your body, I'm also thinking about how people who are dying seem to find some irreplaceable peace, some bright light, endless comfort...The last prayer Jake wrote for Jamie was, "I've prayed for God to touch your heart...He means everything to me, and I know that one day He'll mean everything to you, too. On that day, you'll no longer have to be afraid, because you'll have God Almighty to lean on." What a beautiful prayer that extends to the WORLD, not just the spine of this book. Its promise is true. We yearn to know peace! Philippians tells us to let go and let God so that peace which surpasses understanding enables us to live.
When I read this book I took a look at how Jamie learned to cope with such loss. They go to the beach with the balloon one whole year after Jake's death. If you've ever been through tragedy and loss, you find yourself wondering how the heck you're going to survive; how you're going to keep putting one foot in front of the other. I've been in that place where you stop putting your feet in front of the other, where you have to retrain yourself to function. I've been in that dark place where the shades are down, the covers are up, and you're in fetal position without a thought of eating, drinking, bathing, doing anything to keep yourself alive.
God wants us to live. He does not want us to live in the past, to yearn for things which are only memories. We will always have the memories. They shape and influence who we are. They give light to others to show what we've been through. God works in such mysterious ways... I know I've had countless times when I only want to talk to someone who's been through what I have. It just makes more sense. It's more comfortable. But I've learned that it's okay to not understand how to heal right away. The healing process is painful because we are, in a sense, trees being "pruned" by God. And once we figure that out, we can start living without fear of rejection. I learned a long time ago that
fear is disabling, it's crippling. It can take the brightest light out of life and leave you crumpled on the floor. Fear can make you hate yourself. It can stop your life from going anywhere. That is NOT what God intended for anyone.
Sorry, this was definitely a lot that I had on my mind. I've been looking for the best time, the best way to get it all out of my system. I apologize if none of it makes any sense or is incoherent in any way...maybe people won't learn anything from this, maybe they won't even read it. But I know that God placed all this on my heart on Sunday and I've just been dying to share it.
God Bless!
So .... wait, what? I reject God every time my self-image plummets; every time I compare; every time I secretly desire what I know I shouldn't???? But I don't WANT to reject God!!!! What are my deepest fears about discovering who I really am? That's what we all need to answer. Oddly enough, then, the chunks of Romans 2 and Romans 7 floated into my mind. I'm telling you, the spirit tonight is strong....covering me. God is calling to me through His word.
