Contentment

I have had a wonderful birthday. I set out for church this morning and was able to participate in some beautiful worship and listen to a wonderful sermon about the state of our world and our futures as sons and daughters of God. Aside from the book of Revelation, which we know discusses our futures and what the world will be like when Jesus returns, I can always go back to Jeremiah 29:11, which says, "'For I know the plans I have for you,' says the LORD. 'Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.'" Aren't we always uncertain of what the future will hold? I don't know about anyone else, but I can only handle a day at a time sometimes. I'm a planner and I'm very organized and meticulous, so it's only NATURAL that while I was in school, I had papers and homework due three months ahead of time. That's just the way my life has flowed. I get these awesome ideas and plans into my head and I map out each step I will try to take to achieve those goals; however, God's timing always trumps my timing, and His plans always trump my plans. That's how it should be. Proverbs 16:9 agrees, "A man's heart plans his way, but the LORD directs his steps." And how true. How many times have I found that my future plans have fallen through, or that one step gone wrong has disabled the entire process? That's always when I have to step back and say, "I need to let go and let God." Maybe I'll never learn because I'm human and, of course, there are certain things that DO need planning, like next week's work schedule. Or maybe I need to tell my work that I have to request off three days for a best friend's wedding that isn't until January 2014....seems a little crazy, I know.

On the other hand, Haiti continues to occupy most of my heart...my time...my thoughts...even activities. I've so enjoyed getting updates about how the boys are spending their last few days here in the US, in Minnesota specifically. Last Wednesday I have the privilege of volunteering at a group packing event for the local nonprofit, Haitian Initiative, the organization that essentially enabled the boys to play in the USA Cup in July. We had a grand time packing food that was being sent to Haiti that night. What a neat way for God to be glorified! The recipients of the food--for the first time--being servants and packing that food. They have undoubtedly learned so much. The most beautiful thing in the world is knowing that, although these boys have to leave, the things and lessons and people and memories they are going to return to Haiti with will sustain them the rest of their lives. Take a look here for a report by FOX Sports: Feed My Starving Children. Other than that, I am thankful to continue to have a job working with the babies I love so much. I have not received offers on nursing positions yet, so I continue to PRAY, apply, check, and wait. I am learning to be patient. I am learning to be thankful that I have not a "fallback," but a job that I am encouraged at and am good at and SO look forward to going to everyday. There has been NOTHING more thrilling over the past year and four months than watching and assisting little babies from infancy to childhood. It breaks my heart to even consider that I may have to leave in the near future.

My vegan journey continues to go well. After seeing Pride and Prejudice at the Guthrie today, we celebrated my birthday dinner at a local and organic restaurant called spoonriver. I had a rice, cashew, and spicy pinto bean burger topped with sunflower sprouts, tomato, and avocado. I also enjoyed some lemon and red pepper hummus with cucumbers, grape tomatoes, and focaccia bread. It was a great afternoon and the sun stayed shining even though the weather report called for rain.

I mean what I say when I tell you that I have to pray to take EACH day as it comes. I never know what my emotions are even going to be. Let me tell you, they fluctuate frequently. One moment I'll be great. The next I've escaped into a new book that leaves me questioning, pondering, wondering. I like to say that I read so much because that's the only way my emotions are free to show. When I'm not reading I feel forced to stuff away my emotions and keep them at bay for fear of weakness. I was never once taught that being emotional was a weakness; that was something I decided for myself. So I read to escape. This status I posted on FB the other day was the result of some pondering as I was finishing a new book: "I miss the days when life was simpler...when all I had to worry about was which color leggings to wear or whether I wanted to play on the monkey bars or go down the slide, whether I wanted to play house or not. I wish I just had two sides to my brain: one for happy things and one for sad things, rather than this complicated system of caverns filled with so many emotions and things I can't explained or am afraid to experience. When did everything become so convoluted, painful, confusing? Life is too mysterious for me." Sometimes when I'm reading there is a love interest, which gets my blood stirring with anger and confusion because relationships are SO confusing and complex and complicated and.....I've run out of adjectives. Like I said, I'm not quite sure why reading makes me so emotional. Maybe it's because ultimately, books can end ANY way the author wants them to. It does NOT have to be realistic and usually books do not end realistically. Maybe I can align myself with certain characters so poignantly that it's absolutely ridiculous that I'm not literally in the book itself, living the life of that character. Maybe the heartbreak the character is experiencing is piercing my own heart as I'm reading; and although I've never dated, never been in a relationship, it's like I'm being pierced for predicting something that could go terribly wrong in the future, pinning how I would feel, given the same situation. It's really something I can't explain. But apparently God's given me the tool of books to learn some of my life lessons. I'm a pure skeptic and cynic when it comes to romance, relationships, ANYTHING related to two people who are supposedly right for each other. I'm not sure where the cynical attitude and heart of stone come from, but I assume it comes from my past and my issues and feelings concerning self-worth and dah dah dah. I could go on and write a whole book about that in itself, don't get me started.

I'm pretty content where I am right now. I don't have major spikes or valleys as I venture through each day. I love my job, I'm excited for the prospect of a nursing job, and I'm blessed by the people around me. I can't say I always wake up this chipper in the morning after a bad night or a negative attitude, but God won't let me down. The Holy Spirit won't let me down. I'll know where and when I'm supposed to be where God wants me to be, that is for sure.