New Beginnings

Wow. It has been a LONG time since I posted! I'm sorry! I've been so terribly busy since my birthday. I spent the rest of August finishing up work at Especially for Children. Let's just say I put off turning in my two week notice because I knew my heart was going to break. And it did....not only when I eventually turned in the letter, but the weeks leading up to my last day, which was September 4th. All along I kept telling myself I would be fine. Rather, I was just trying to not think about the situation entirely. Even on September 4th I walked in chipper and cheery with my homemade vegan cake in hand....and wasn't thinking that, in ten hours, I wouldn't be coming back. It didn't hit me until the babies were gone and I, as closer, was making the last touches on two empty baby rooms. The sound machines were off and it was dead silent. The floor was cleaned up and the BabyConnects were put away....and I could only think, How is this my last day?! I didn't get to fawn and say goodbye as much as I REALLY wanted to...I was too embarrassed. All I know is that as soon as I got in my car, I burst into tears and truly felt the largest hole form in my chest. A piece of my soul was really gone. Of course I was so blessed and thankful to be a part of as many babies' lives as I had been over the past year and a half. I just wish I could have packed them up and taken them on my journey, too.

I spent the rest of the week packing up pretty much everything I owned. By Sunday night when my parents arrived home from Seattle, we were ready to rock and roll. We picked up the trailer early on Monday morning, packed up, and headed out...for the second time. I can say I wasn't as nervous because, after all, I'd made this exact same drive multiple times. I knew the destination was somewhere familiar, with someone familiar. We arrived back in Greeley on Tuesday afternoon and things looked exactly the same. We spent the rest of Tuesday, and all day Wednesday and Thursday unpacking, building, setting up, organizing, placing, anything and EVERYTHING you can imagine. We even took a free couch off the lawn of the apartment unit! After a bit of roughhousing, it was almost as good as new (with a new couch cover...). It was rough saying goodbye to my parents again, my best friends...My poor mom. We went to Hobby Lobby after our last dinner together and shopped around until they closed, then I dropped her back off at the hotel. We were both in tears and when we went to hug, she finally pulled away and started to back up, as if she would never be able to let go otherwise. My best friend...driving home in the dark and in the rain was not helpful in addition to eyes blurred with tears.

I spent the rest of the weekend getting my room together and getting things organized. I really had no plan of attack...the attack being job-hunting. I'd already applied for 100+ jobs with no feedback. Isn't that supposed to be discouraging? YES. BUT....God also has a plan for me.

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' says the LORD. 'Thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you.'" --Jeremiah 29:11-12.

How REASSURING! This has always been one of my favorite verses, favorite PROMISES.

So TODAY (we are finally caught up, I think) I had my first semi-interview. I arrived on site, ready to go, only to be told that the person I was supposed to be meeting with's wife just had her baby at midnight so this person was not in the office today. Fortunately, someone else stepped in and was able to speak with me. After some lengthy discussions, I was sort of offered a non-nursing job that could possibly turn into or lead to a nursing job. Confusing, right? Yes, to me also. I left partially encouraged but also very confused. My heart is still taking its time and has many questions. I somewhat feel compelled to take this position since it is the only offer I have thus received. But I know I'm picky for a reason. At this point, another of my favorite verses springs to mind:

"Do not be anxious about anything but by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to the LORD. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." AMEN.

So I don't need to be anxious?! God's peace will cover me?! He already knows what will happen?! Yes to all three questions. This little blurb below comes straight from God's Word:

"Through prayer, supplication, and thanksgiving, you can realize a peace which surpasses all understanding and know that this peace will guard your hearts and minds. Your natural human desire for acceptance, status, and possessions can create tension within you. If you perceive that needs and desires will not be met, you may be anxious and stressed. How can you be "anxious for nothing" in such a time? Managing stress for the Christ follower begins with understanding yourself and knowing what Scripture teaches about the nature of God. To understand yourself means to know your basic nature, the potential of your strengths, and the limitations of your weaknesses. This is no small task, for self-deception can prevent clear discernment. Pride and independence can block self-awareness. God Himself must give self-awareness. Only He can show clearly where change is needed and bring it about. An understanding of the nature of God comes from His self-revelation in the Bible and through Jesus. Knowing and accepting the UNCHANGING nature of God produces stability and peace. The qualities of His character inspires trust. Must of stress dissipates when you acknowledge your dependence upon God and submit to His leadership, recognizing that you are locked into time and space which is finite, while He is infinite."

This pretty much sums up everything. I need to further understand the nature of God--this is a NEVERENDING quest, mind you--in order to understand what He means in the Bible and how it applies in my life. My independence and need for it has certainly caused self-awareness problems, foggy or stubborn decision-making. God is unchanging. He is the same yesterday, today, and FOREVER. That brings me peace! He has not forgotten my prayers, my calls, yesterday, or today. And He already knows about tomorrow. Why borrow worry from tomorrow? I am already overwhelmed today! Each day has enough of its own stress. I acknowledge that I need to completely submit to God. COMPLETELY. Not just a little...and this is hard for me. I like my blueprints!

To learn humility is to learn to be content in ALL circumstances, as Paul describes so much about in the New Testament. Humility means that I need to remain teachable ALWAYS. I need to be willing to bend and be flexible according to God's will. Discerning God's will is certainly difficult when you've got 100 job applications out there, 1 offer, 1 pending "consideration," and....yeah. Your heart is pulling you towards that "pending" offer, yet there's an offer on the table NOW. What to do?! Call upon God. Ask for peace and discernment. I need to admit my need for Jesus and for direction. He will provide it, I have no doubts about that. SO...if you're reading this, I wholeheartedly and sincerely ask for prayer, for direction, for discernment. :)