Your Peace is a Melody

You know those days when it feels like the world is against you? You know you're IN the world, not OF it, and yet it still feels like it's conquering you? Yeah, it's one of "those" days. One of those weeks. One of those months. I'm so ashamed to say I've hardly even had a decent quiet time in 13 days. I've felt emotionally plagued. It's left my soul weak and shattered when it was so strong just a few weeks ago. Overcome with anxiety and stress, hating everything I know and everything I am. There's really nothing that captures my mood, my demeanor. Everything is so jumbled. I hate spending hours trying to find something to wear. I hate the feeling that people are staring and judging when I'm out in public. I don't want to feel guilty or weak. And when I do I know it's the opportunity to lean completely into Jesus, but I'm also trapped because my rational self is angry and frustrated. Is there a point?

I opened my bedtime devotional and here is what it said:

"God would love to piece together the

shattered fragments of your life. But

He is waiting...graciously waiting until

the time is right. Until you are tired of

the life you are living...until you see it

for what it really is. Until you are weary

of coping...of taking charge your own

way...until you realize the mess you

are making of it...until you recognize

your need for Him...He waits."

Kind of a slap in the face. But a much-NEEDED one. Periodically we all find ourselves at a loss as to how to respond to something. We all feel weak. We ask for help, and God delivers every time. He delivers MORE than intelligence and ideas and common sense. He dips into His well of wisdom. We are given a small portion of the "mind of Christ," and boy, that is what I need right now. I've forgiven myself for being weak. I will never be strong. I know God is strong and fights the battle for me. But will this battle be eternal? The command "Love your neighbor as yourself" doesn't reapply in my life. I love. I want to love everyone EXCEPT myself. Can I really love others? Yes, I'd like to think so.

"Owe no one anything, except to love each other, for the one who loves another has fulfilled the law. For the commandments, 'You shall not commit adultery, You shall not murder, You shall not steal, You shall not covet,' and any other commandment, are summed up in this word: 'You shall love your neighbor as yourself.' Love does no wrong to a neighbor; therefore love is the fulfilling of the law."

Romans 8 also says, "Though we walk in the flesh, we are not waging war according to the flesh. For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds. We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ..." I am trying so hard! Why do I feel like a hampster running on its wheel? When I try to think of ways to allow myself love, I can't think of anything. People have suggested writing a love letter to myself. I can't. My hands physically can't write it. I've tried post-its on the mirrors. I've tried saying the words aloud. I must believe the words in my heart for them to bring light. I can say the words "I believe in Santa Claus" fifty times a day, right? But if I don't believe that Santa Claus really exists, the syllables coming from my mouth elicit nothing.

I'm a hypocrite. I feel like I've spiraled out of control! I want to be a light--but how can I be a light when I can't accept myself? How do I tell people they are beautiful and loved and worthy and filled with purpose when I feel like a beast? The world shouts, "You're a FAKE!" and Jesus is saying, "I will help you. Hand Me your troubles. This waiting, this constant struggle, may feel like forever, but trust Me and feel My peace. I am here." Peace. Peace.