Not Indepdent, But Dependent

Isn't it ironic that today is the 4th of July? It's Independence Day...a celebration of devotion, sacrifice, and freedom. Are we not blessed to live in this place called America; where so many have worked so hard, have given up so much, for what we have today? And yet....my mind is still wandering and I've realized so many things over the past 2 weeks since I've been home....that I've truly been missing out.

My heart still has these giant fragments--that existed long before going to Haiti--but they are slowly being filled because of things I've learned and am still "processing" being back here. There is nothing that replaces love and companionship. Nothing. In Haiti I found and saw and experienced just a fraction of the things that could fill those empty holes.

Today I'm falling. I'm dependent and I have no other choice, nor do I want more choices. Dependence. Dependence on my God. My Savior who, in so many times, I've panicked and lost touch with. Today I had the return-from-Haiti breakdown. The tears, the hiccups, the inability to suddenly focus and move or to do anything besides collapse....and, although thoughts of Haiti were dispersed throughout, the breakdown was kind of a culmination of realizations; things my heart aches about; memories and situations I can't let go of; feelings without closure; lies I've been telling myself for years; the need for comfort and validation from someone, anyone, that I am worth it, good enough; that there are so many things I want in this life but I do not feel strong enough to get them, WHATEVER. I had to step back and look into myself, into the deepest parts of my soul. Too many thoughts, too many positive and negative, life-shattering and life-building moments, too many tears yet too many smiles, too many what-ifs and apologies and things lost. "Can't possibly be needed or desired, realizing you're second place to someone or something, just a guest in your own home...." The self-hatred I've placed upon myself is too large a burden to carry.

To live in memory is not a hindrance, as most people say. It's the memories that allow us to process through what we experience on a day-to-day basis. It's the memories and God's promises that give us hope for the future. There is no such thing as unfounded hope anymore.

When things change--expected or unexpected, when tragedy strikes or you experience loss, you're mourning two losses--the physical loss, but also part of your self as well--a part of you that had somehow failed to be true or right for whatever reason. You keep thinking "Today, maybe today's the day..." and you could go on waiting forever. Sometimes people think that it's too late to ask for strength, for help, for a miracle--when loss has already occurred. There is nothing further from the truth.

Today, through the events of dinner and company and what is supposed to be a celebration of freedom and unity, I felt alone, separated. I had to stay calm, to reassure myself that God is faithful, His love is redemptive. I did anything to keep my composure so much to the point that I felt like a different person, who who is hiding so much of what she feels all the time because of fear. My heart hurts today for many reasons which I can't even explain. But God knows my heart and when I cry, He cries with me. When the heartache becomes too much to handle, when you feel like you've gone through more than your body physically able to, call upon Him. When your soul is pressing through your chest and it hurts to breathe, God will say, "Come to Me all who are burdened and I will give you rest..." He will never leave His children. The tears will stop and God will sustain you. Through this I've learned that it's okay to cry--and it's okay to cry in front of people--and it's okay to love deeply enough to hurt.