It seems like I've been standing at a fork in the road. Usually when this happens one road leads to good and the other leads to bad. Well, let's just say that I've tried BOTH roads and I've continued to run into obstacles no matter what. It's been a test of faith and coping and learning to accept, that's for sure. It's God's gentle reminder, the wind in the sky, that He is ever present yesterday, today, and tomorrow, and FOREVER. He will continue to give me guidance not only when I ask for it; but through the Holy Spirit as well. The Spirit has given me PLENTY of little nudges in the back over the past few months, especially when I've been trying to decide on career opportunities and how my life will change as an RN. Will I be moving out of state? Will I stay here? Will I end up in a clinic or a hospital? Will I even GET a NURSING job?! There are so many anxieties in my life right now, which have led to a fair amount of panic attacks. I know, I know, the faith of a mustard seed. But that seed has continued to strengthen for 13 years, and it's still going strong! (The name of the LORD is a strong tower; the righteous man runs into it and is safe----Proverbs 18:10). So again, it's all been a big test. I've had my "life plan" sitting next to me and I've done nothing but scribble and re-adjust and erase and re-write more things. I consider new things. If I've had an itch, it's been scratched. But has it been scratched for the right reasons? Probably not. My intermediate need for control usually makes me stressed and, unfortunately, prepared for failure. Of COURSE I can't control things. I cannot control anything, and on my own I CAN DO NOTHING.
Time and time again when my plans have failed the past few months, I've had no CHOICE but to turn to God. I know He is there. He answers my cries, my calls. He helps me even when I haven't verbally asked for assistance. Do we need to do that? No. He is ever present. When things haven't worked out the way they were "supposed" to (and what does that really mean!?!?) I've found myself destitute, on my knees, praying for help. And being silent--and in that silence listening for God calling to me. Where He calls me, I will go. SEND ME! I say. He told me to go to Haiti no matter what the cost, what the circumstances. I said, OK! You tell me, I do.
I realize I've been VERY selfish the past few months...making plans, thinking things are going to work out...essentially thinking about MYSELF. Finishing school, taking the boards, applying for nursing jobs, thinking about where I'm going to live and how I'm going to cope with so many big life changes? Okay, so I moved out to Colorado FIVE years (I can't believe it's been that long already....) ago and that was a HUGE life change for me. I notice now that it's so much harder to think about leaving "home" now that I've been back for awhile. It's scary. This new path in front of me is scary. But I need to better serve others in the process. This is not about me. This journey is not about me. It's about how GOD has equipped me to use me to serve. Haiti= service. Nursing=service.
I know that Haiti will teach me to stop taking everything for granted...to stop being selfish...to think of what others are lacking and needing...and not in the context of being a nurse (Here is what my patients need from this time to this time and then my shift ends and I go home). No. I want to see through GOD'S EYES my own shortcomings, my sins.
Give me Your eyes for just one second
Give me Your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me Your love for humanity
Give me Your arms for the broken-hearted
The ones that are far beyond my reach
Give me Your heart for the ones forgotten
Give me Your eyes so I can see
This song by Brandon Heath, called Give Me Your Eyes really moves me and has for years. We tell ourselves everyday that we will change, that we want to "be broken for the things that break the heart of Christ" but we don't really change. Life goes on. More things come up. We find new ways to cope and new things to complain about.
SO...essentially I've learned a lot. These past few months have really opened my eyes again. I fell asleep for a long time. I haven't had that adrenaline rush, that weak-in-the-knees-for-the-Spirit feeling for quite some time. I've been lonely. Very lonely, very sad, very ... well, alone and lost. So caught up in the stress and anxiety of school and working and everything else that my body has shut down, my mind has shut down. I ran into this major problem a few years ago, in Colorado, and it nearly ended me. I need to start living in the moment. It doesn't mean that everything goes on hold or that there aren't important things that need to be planned. But they do NOT need to be so meticulously arranged that I lose my ability to function. I need to remind myself every minute of every day that this life, this journey is for God and God alone; and since I don't appear to be sacrificing ANYthing, I need to step up MY game. God's already way ahead of me, waiting for me to run into His open arms.
P.S. I can't tell you how WONDERFUL it felt to finally get a nudge from God, telling me to WRITE, WRITE, WRITE. This, of course, is not even close to everything that's been on my mind and heart the past 3 months. Trust me, there's so much more. But He's provided enough for me to write this entry, and that is SO important and beautiful to me. I haven't gotten this urge to express His love and devotion to someone so faithless and, well, HUMAN, for a very long time. PTL.
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