What can I do but offer this heart, O God, completely to You?
For most of my life, I always felt a little out of place. When it came to common sense things, I was a little behind. But when it came to who I really thought I was and what I wanted to do, I was always ahead. I was a pretty passionate person, always striving to look outside the box. I did more than I had to, and I still do. Going above and beyond was my motto for my entire life, especially when it came to schoolwork. I was thinking ahead in terms of careers when I was still in elementary school. The first time I told someone I wanted to go into music someday, I was turned down. Given that I was probably only 12 or 13, it was still a blow to the heart. I thought, Why not? Is something wrong? I was told that I'd never make it- that the people who would go on to be successful were much better than I was, that they practiced more, that they were the ones who really had passion. That was hurtful. I moved on and found myself wanting to go into creative writing. I wanted to write my own books. I had been doing that for a few years already, but never showed them to anyone. Writing was an escape for me. I was easily lost in words and often had no endings in site for what I did write. Again, I was told the same things I had for music. I moved from option to option, trying to land on something that I could choose. After most of my choices had been exhausted, I ended up entering UNC as a pre-nursing major. I felt that I had forced myself into going into the medical field. I was interested, yes, and felt I could develop a passion for nursing. I knew I loved helping people and that blood and guts didn't bother me. After a semester and a half of taking pre-reqs, I discovered that I did like nursing- but I wanted to be more hands on. The idea of sitting in a small clinic, taking blood pressure and entering weight into a computer didn't phase me, and I wanted more, so I started taking classes to be a physician's assistant. This didn't work either. I felt out of place- the passion was there, but I was not tangibly successful. The coursework was grueling and the world kept telling me I would never be able to make it. I dropped both of those things and went into human services. This was where I thought I had found my passion. It was the perfect career- world focused, helpful to people, and broad enough so I could choose a concentration. I chose health, allowing me to focus on things like epidemiology, population-specific illness and disease, nutrition, poverty, socioeconomic status, etc. Those were the things I cared about. I had always had this passion to go work for Doctors Without Borders. My ideal job was living in a hut in Africa, helping people work through disease and prevention. I had the opportunity to finally apply for a mission trip last winter, but then everything came crashing down. I won't go into detail about what happened, but that application I had spent so much time on, those phone calls I had made, those things I had planned around, fell through. It was recommended that I not go on the trip, and it broke my heart. From there, I gave it up. I had been feeling for a long time that I wasn't supposed to go- that there were better people than me who could. Whenever I talked with someone about my passion to just go, I got the feeling I was judged for it. It didn't feel right. Again, that hurt, and I asked God why this kept happening. I had let fear and other people's thoughts completely shut me down. I found myself sitting at home that break, knowing people were all over the world and serving, but I wasn't.
I suppose the problem was that I didn't really know how to mobilize myself. I treasured my life, my blessings, and I didn't want to lose those things. I was literally afraid of losing my life if I went overseas. Here in America, we are bombarded with safety. We all know of places that are unsafe and a little uncomfortable to be in- but to live in conditions where fear is a staple- I had never known that. When I first became involved with the Invisible Children organization in 2005/2006, I was overwhelmed with their passion. I watched the Rough Cut video at a church seminar and fell in love with it. I have followed their updates since. I participated in The Rescue in Denver last fall, and was blessed with the opportunity of hearing some staff members speak at UNC tonight. I met a girl who had come straight from Uganda, along with her mentor. I approached her after the seminar and was just overwhelmed by hearing her story and watching IC's videos. I realized that giving up my passions to serve overseas was the dumbest thing I'd ever done. I instantly wanted to talk to this girl more, but was lucky to get a few minutes. This was one of those situations in which I felt helpless. I knew that the people that had attended the seminar with me felt the same way, and wanted to go tell more people about it like I did. But how? I almost felt outside my own body, like I didn't know who to tell about this. I was convicted throughout the night, thinking back to the conditions that these people in Uganda survive through each minute. Each minute is lived in fear, and there are children who have seen too much before they are even double digits in age. They can survive on ONE dollar a day, and I complain that gas is too expensive and that I already cut into November's stipend the last week of October. I wanted to slap myself, punch myself, anything. But I realized that keeping my passion at my own level was what I needed to do- not let it go, but realizing that my willingness to make these issues and this organization aware and appealing- make me who I am. These are the things that I care about. And the only way organizations like these will make a difference is if we speak out. We underestimate our abilities to change circumstance. I realized tonight that by letting fear and other people's opinions influence what I want to do, that I am stuck in the same hopeless situations many people are- people who cannot fight for themselves. It's a tragedy, and I want to change it. Anyways. I know this was a long entry, but there were things I felt tonight that I've wanted to say for many months. Thanks for listening!
I suppose the problem was that I didn't really know how to mobilize myself. I treasured my life, my blessings, and I didn't want to lose those things. I was literally afraid of losing my life if I went overseas. Here in America, we are bombarded with safety. We all know of places that are unsafe and a little uncomfortable to be in- but to live in conditions where fear is a staple- I had never known that. When I first became involved with the Invisible Children organization in 2005/2006, I was overwhelmed with their passion. I watched the Rough Cut video at a church seminar and fell in love with it. I have followed their updates since. I participated in The Rescue in Denver last fall, and was blessed with the opportunity of hearing some staff members speak at UNC tonight. I met a girl who had come straight from Uganda, along with her mentor. I approached her after the seminar and was just overwhelmed by hearing her story and watching IC's videos. I realized that giving up my passions to serve overseas was the dumbest thing I'd ever done. I instantly wanted to talk to this girl more, but was lucky to get a few minutes. This was one of those situations in which I felt helpless. I knew that the people that had attended the seminar with me felt the same way, and wanted to go tell more people about it like I did. But how? I almost felt outside my own body, like I didn't know who to tell about this. I was convicted throughout the night, thinking back to the conditions that these people in Uganda survive through each minute. Each minute is lived in fear, and there are children who have seen too much before they are even double digits in age. They can survive on ONE dollar a day, and I complain that gas is too expensive and that I already cut into November's stipend the last week of October. I wanted to slap myself, punch myself, anything. But I realized that keeping my passion at my own level was what I needed to do- not let it go, but realizing that my willingness to make these issues and this organization aware and appealing- make me who I am. These are the things that I care about. And the only way organizations like these will make a difference is if we speak out. We underestimate our abilities to change circumstance. I realized tonight that by letting fear and other people's opinions influence what I want to do, that I am stuck in the same hopeless situations many people are- people who cannot fight for themselves. It's a tragedy, and I want to change it. Anyways. I know this was a long entry, but there were things I felt tonight that I've wanted to say for many months. Thanks for listening!
Psalm 32:8-10 says, "I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go. I will counsel you and watch over you. Do not be like the horse or the mule, which have no understanding but must be controlled by bit and bridle or they will not come to you. Many are the woes of the wicked, but the Lord's unfailing LOVE surrounds the man who TRUSTS in Him."
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