The way to be anxious about nothing is to pray about everything. That is what You have taught me. However, I don't feel as if this truth has been evident in my life lately-- not when I look back and see how much sadness and anger I have been hosting. Being the host of anger and repression, what does that mean exactly? Well, it means I am an hourglass. The top portion is sealed off, and my being is just filling up with anger and sadness and envy and selfishness and wayward curiosity. Then when the seal is broken, I only have the amount of time the bottom allows me before I explode. And I think I exploded yesterday for the first time. I had finally had enough of the badgering and I found myself beating my fist on the steering wheel in my car. Have I ever done anything remotely like that before? Absolutely not. Was it scary? Yes, quite. And that leads me to ask: What is going on in my life? Why are there so many things I am afraid of, and why do I let all emotion bottle up inside that hourglass? It's as if I enjoy the future comings of another explosion, but trust me, I don't ever want it again. I suppose my fears and plans for this [hopefully] last semester at school have left me of the world, not simply in the world. I think it is a fear that many have, but not all who are so close to God experience it. Well, then, I need to be much closer to my Lord. He is the only One who can open my eyes to the root of all of this fear and restlessness; these nights when I'm slamming my face against the pillow for hours because I can't sleep. That is what I need. I need to disappear inside the Lord, His Word, and be cleansed by Him. I need to have His peace, His understanding, and His acceptance. Then maybe all of this will start to take a turn for the better.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Hourglass
The way to be anxious about nothing is to pray about everything. That is what You have taught me. However, I don't feel as if this truth has been evident in my life lately-- not when I look back and see how much sadness and anger I have been hosting. Being the host of anger and repression, what does that mean exactly? Well, it means I am an hourglass. The top portion is sealed off, and my being is just filling up with anger and sadness and envy and selfishness and wayward curiosity. Then when the seal is broken, I only have the amount of time the bottom allows me before I explode. And I think I exploded yesterday for the first time. I had finally had enough of the badgering and I found myself beating my fist on the steering wheel in my car. Have I ever done anything remotely like that before? Absolutely not. Was it scary? Yes, quite. And that leads me to ask: What is going on in my life? Why are there so many things I am afraid of, and why do I let all emotion bottle up inside that hourglass? It's as if I enjoy the future comings of another explosion, but trust me, I don't ever want it again. I suppose my fears and plans for this [hopefully] last semester at school have left me of the world, not simply in the world. I think it is a fear that many have, but not all who are so close to God experience it. Well, then, I need to be much closer to my Lord. He is the only One who can open my eyes to the root of all of this fear and restlessness; these nights when I'm slamming my face against the pillow for hours because I can't sleep. That is what I need. I need to disappear inside the Lord, His Word, and be cleansed by Him. I need to have His peace, His understanding, and His acceptance. Then maybe all of this will start to take a turn for the better.
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