Best Worst Week

This has been the best worst week of my life. Well...maybe the second best worst week. I'm not quite sure. All I know is that I may have underestimated this last semester of senior year. I suppose I thought I would definitely be over the whole "homesickness" thing, but apparently NOT. I also thought this was supposed to be the cheapest part of my college career, considering that I'm taking Ballet, figure skating, and am only here for one semester. WRONG again. Things just seemed to be piling up and up; things were breaking or not working; the heat is making me irritable and tired; among other things, like my printer breaking right out of storage and having to drive it to Denver (I've never driven to Denver). PLUS, a motherload of stress with my graduate course and discovering I needed one more nutrition course to complete my minor, since UNC decided to pull the one I was planning to take from their catalog. GAH! I really have cried every day this past week, and I know that I don't cry. So it's been quite heartfelt. BUT in the midst of all that, God has continued to be nothing but the saving, faithful Father that I don't deserve. That's right. Despite the hardships, He has created a way out. He has been waiting for me to turn my stubborn, broken self to Him. He has been waiting for me to fall to my knees with my hands folded, tears streaming down my face (this has happened many times recently).

At church yesterday, we read through Romans 12:9-18. Can you say perfect? Yes, this was the perfect set of verses for me to read! Boy, do I have issues. I need to let go of this isolation that I've not only been feeling, but acting on...pulling myself away from people and trying to get through everything alone; having to pray to God to help me get back to Him. Wow. I need to also love people rather than like them; drive myself into their hearts to find their needs and understanding the things I can be praying for. I need to stop letting the little issues that we all face in everyday life get to me. I need to...and you get the picture. I have to get my act together here.

With the stress from this Maternal and Child Health graduate course, God's also been telling me many things. But it basically boils down to the realization that I'm not quite sure I want to go for a Master's in Public Health anymore. Even though I was already applying to programs and looking for states that offer my global health concentration, God kindly told me that (and not taking the easy way out) I am not supposed to do that. I should go into ministry. And if I want to, I can still find a way to incorporate my Bachelor's degree. I've been thinking about going into worship and ministry or camp ministry, or being a children's counselor. I have NO idea. But I do know that I should not be applying for public health Master's programs! Stop!

So I have just been praying fervently that God would continue to mold my heart and reveal Himself to me. I want Him to tell me where I need to be, show me where I need to go. He has already made Himself evident these past few days, as I'm able to watch how things are slowly but surely coming together. He's prepared a new LIFE plan for me! What a coincidence, since I already thought that "always-good-plan" was in place. But God's always changing hearts and priorities, that's for sure. I know that I'm still doing what He wants me to do- get an education so that I can apply myself. It's just a matter of where that application is going to knock me off my feet. Who knows? God does.

Little Joys

You can have the world at your fingertips without realizing it. That's been me. Again I think about 1 Corinthians 12:4, which reads: "There are different kinds of gifts, but the same Spirit." Today this verse smacked me in the face; it's done so many times, but today it was pretty vivid. It hit me while I was doing each thing: running 2 .5 miles in the 93-degree heat, on the elliptical later at the club, doing sit-ups, waiting an hour for my pie to bake, etc. I learned that my next door neighbor, a recent graduate from St. Thomas, was offered an extremely amazing job at an advertising firm, with benefits and opportunities that many who have worked professional jobs for YEARS do not ever come across. While I should be so overjoyed for those who are being offered these things in life--much less jobs in general-- it strikes me that life doesn't ever wait. We can't put things on pause because they won't be there when we decide to come back. By the time sense has knocked us cold, it's too late. Of course we all know these things-- that life, like everything else in it, moves right along as it's always done. God has always been in control and He will always be in control. We have to find those little joys in life that piece us back together. What those things are certainly are different for each person in this world. We have things tossed in our faces a million times a day, but most of the time we're too blind to see them. I know I've been extremely blind (no pun intended). These "things" are pretty ordinary, no doubt, but they always get me thinking. It could be any"thing" from a person I see on the street, to a paragraph I read in a book, or a scene from a movie. I was watching Post-Grad tonight (how fitting) and there is a scene towards the end when Adam says: "What exactly needs explanation? ... The fact that you're so obsessed with your future that you completely forget about everyone you're supposed to care about? I'm not waiting anymore. I'm done." This could be taken a few different ways, but in my life it means that I've forgotten about God and who He is. Maybe not literally. And certainly not intentionally. But along this rocky road, I seem to have forgotten that God is the One who created my future, knows my future-- every single detail of it. He created me. Whenever someone tells me something good that has happened or has received an amazing opportunity like my neighbor did; and I instantly feel envious or upset rather than thrilled and optimistic for those people, I lose a bit more of myself. I don't think I ever planned to disappear, either, so I know that something has to change. As Google suggests, I need to 1. Cultivate optimism, 2. Be present, 3. Clarify, 4. Give out, 5. Connect, 6. Find flow, 7. Celebrate, and 8. Love myself. Just more food for thought.

Stress

It's amazing, the toll stress can take on the body -- the many ways it manifests itself. It's sneaky. It crawls along, piling up, and then BAM! It all hits you at once. Just like "Does Anybody Hear Her" by Casting Crowns, it makes me feel like I'm running a hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction. For instance, today I realized that I have worked myself to death trying to register for a course at UNC that does not exist this fall, when I already spoke with someone from University of Phoenix in April and was about to register for the substitute course. All summer. APRIL. How could I forget that phone conversation? Maybe because I've been working to get signed up for two other online courses from the University of Arizona in Tuscon. Sometimes it's just laughable. And I had to get that out there.

Hourglass

The way to be anxious about nothing is to pray about everything. That is what You have taught me. However, I don't feel as if this truth has been evident in my life lately-- not when I look back and see how much sadness and anger I have been hosting. Being the host of anger and repression, what does that mean exactly? Well, it means I am an hourglass. The top portion is sealed off, and my being is just filling up with anger and sadness and envy and selfishness and wayward curiosity. Then when the seal is broken, I only have the amount of time the bottom allows me before I explode. And I think I exploded yesterday for the first time. I had finally had enough of the badgering and I found myself beating my fist on the steering wheel in my car. Have I ever done anything remotely like that before? Absolutely not. Was it scary? Yes, quite. And that leads me to ask: What is going on in my life? Why are there so many things I am afraid of, and why do I let all emotion bottle up inside that hourglass? It's as if I enjoy the future comings of another explosion, but trust me, I don't ever want it again. I suppose my fears and plans for this [hopefully] last semester at school have left me of the world, not simply in the world. I think it is a fear that many have, but not all who are so close to God experience it. Well, then, I need to be much closer to my Lord. He is the only One who can open my eyes to the root of all of this fear and restlessness; these nights when I'm slamming my face against the pillow for hours because I can't sleep. That is what I need. I need to disappear inside the Lord, His Word, and be cleansed by Him. I need to have His peace, His understanding, and His acceptance. Then maybe all of this will start to take a turn for the better.

Cake!

What if I were to something CRAZY, like quit everything and completely change directions? What if I went to work in a bakery decorating cakes? I keep watching all these great baking shows and would LOVE to be a cake decorator- the colors, the creativity, the joy of helping someone celebrate something special. Plus, it's just appetizing!

I'd like to say that I enjoyed every minute of looking these up! I might have gone a little overboard.

New Lyrics

It's 4AM why can't I sleep
This sudden emotion for faith I leap
This knowledge I have this mercy renewed
I owe it all God owe it to You

You protect You love You move me within
You hold You captivate You cleanse my sin
Despite the universe and its people with faults
You love us You teach us Your love abounds

Prepared for battle You stop me with haste
You tell me You'll fight if I stand firm in faith
I'll give you the resources and all that you need
My hope is you'll surrender your needs to Me

Give me your heart and fall to your knees
This life speaks my relationship and not doing good needs
With blood on My hands I sent you My Son
In hopes that the world would come to the One

You've been given a choice and it's up to you
To decide for yourself what you're going to do
Don't abuse your freedom because it's precious you see
Just its existence doesn't mean use is easy

Listen to My statutes My recommendations My commands
Though I know it won't go for you're sinful you're man
Your job on Earth is not to produce fights
But prove that My love is binding us tight

Walking and talking and sharing with Me
Devoting your lives here and now is key
The truth itself is amazing and useful
It is My hope you witness to the people

Don't let the fears and insults slow you down
Think of Me and rejoice in the crown
Of the One who loves you and cares for your life
You'll experience His fullness if you give Him the time