Realizations

So I realized that I really only have six weeks left of school before summer hits. How can that be? I don't necessarily feel like this year went by too fast or too slow. I suppose fall semester dragged on and spring is going a little faster. It hasn't really hit me that I graduate a year early next fall. And that half of my internship is going to be completed by the end of this June. I don't know if I like growing up! Just this week alone, I have to 1) get a pin number to access registration for my last three classes here at UNC; 2) print out an online internship manual and have the last page signed by my faculty advisor; 3) print and turn in a summer application for the Office of Extended Studies; 4) type up a sample Learning Conduct sheet with goals and objectives while in Mexico; 5) update my resume and turn that in; 6) register and start my last online Nutrition in the Life Cycle course and hopefully have it completed by the end of April. Ah! I kind of want to rip my hair out! This just reminds me of the blessing it was to spend a week in Punta Cana. For the first time in my life I didn't do anything, not even homework- well, I read to history books on the plane ride, but that's it. I kind of forgot what it was like to rest.

I'm convicted of not journaling or keeping up with my devotions while there. Even since I've been back. I think I've just been trying to get through so many things that have happened this year that I feel too exhausted to do so. And while that's not an excuse, it's really all I have for an explanation. Waiting for any sign at all that things would get better, back to normal, was all I could hope for. I should have been receiving that hope in the Word and His Spirit, but instead I shrank back and wallowed away into myself, refusing to let others in and help. I think I forgot how to pray and turn to Christ for awhile- not that I didn't want to. I wanted to with everything that was in me- I just did not know how to do it. And it's terrifying when that happens.

I realized that I just need to be real with God. He already knows my heart, so why not?! He opens my eyes to the root of fear. His presence should become more vivid than anything else. I should be striving to see light in the midst of darkness, but I have not. For awhile, I found a quote by William Walsh and was telling it to myself over and over: "I can endure my own despair, but not another's hope." But that is me losing faith in my God to save me and hear my cries to Him. Psalm 55:4 says, "The terrors of death assail me. Fear and trembling have beset me. Horror has overwhelmed me. Oh, if I had the wings of a dove, I would fly away and be at rest." I asked for so long for His angels to be sent to heal my soul. I needed nothing but His endless love in my life. I ask Him, "If you're carrying me then where are You? I can't feel You." But He was there all along, I was only blinded by myself. My prayers are raised up before God's throne. None of us ever knows when those will affect someone else's life, so we must never cease. "Devote yourselves to prayer, keeping in it with an attitude of thanksgiving; praying at the same time for as as well, that God will open a door for the Word so that we may speak forth the mystery of Christ, for which I am in chains."

So in all, I just need to focus on giving everything to the Lord because He is so good to me, even though I don't deserve it. I can read English and I own many Bibles, which is apparently more than what 80% of the world owns. So I am blessed without realizing it. I must not be anxious in anything because that is an activity of the enemy, and I do not want that in my life. So take it away, God! Take everything away so that I am only left with You.