Your Peace is a Melody

You know those days when it feels like the world is against you? You know you're IN the world, not OF it, and yet it still feels like it's conquering you? Yeah, it's one of "those" days. One of those weeks. One of those months. I'm so ashamed to say I've hardly even had a decent quiet time in 13 days. I've felt emotionally plagued. It's left my soul weak and shattered when it was so strong just a few weeks ago. Overcome with anxiety and stress, hating everything I know and everything I am. There's really nothing that captures my mood, my demeanor. Everything is so jumbled. I hate spending hours trying to find something to wear. I hate the feeling that people are staring and judging when I'm out in public. I don't want to feel guilty or weak. And when I do I know it's the opportunity to lean completely into Jesus, but I'm also trapped because my rational self is angry and frustrated. Is there a point?

I opened my bedtime devotional and here is what it said:

"God would love to piece together the

shattered fragments of your life. But

He is waiting...graciously waiting until

the time is right. Until you are tired of

the life you are living...until you see it

for what it really is. Until you are weary

of coping...of taking charge your own

way...until you realize the mess you

are making of it...until you recognize

your need for Him...He waits."

Kind of a slap in the face. But a much-NEEDED one. Periodically we all find ourselves at a loss as to how to respond to something. We all feel weak. We ask for help, and God delivers every time. He delivers MORE than intelligence and ideas and common sense. He dips into His well of wisdom. We are given a small portion of the "mind of Christ," and boy, that is what I need right now. I've forgiven myself for being weak. I will never be strong. I know God is strong and fights the battle for me. But will this battle be eternal? The command "Love your neighbor as yourself" doesn't reapply in my life. I love. I want to love everyone EXCEPT myself. Can I really love others? Yes, I'd like to think so.

"Owe no one anything, except to love each other, for the one who loves another has fulfilled the law. For the commandments, 'You shall not commit adultery, You shall not murder, You shall not steal, You shall not covet,' and any other commandment, are summed up in this word: 'You shall love your neighbor as yourself.' Love does no wrong to a neighbor; therefore love is the fulfilling of the law."

Romans 8 also says, "Though we walk in the flesh, we are not waging war according to the flesh. For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds. We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ..." I am trying so hard! Why do I feel like a hampster running on its wheel? When I try to think of ways to allow myself love, I can't think of anything. People have suggested writing a love letter to myself. I can't. My hands physically can't write it. I've tried post-its on the mirrors. I've tried saying the words aloud. I must believe the words in my heart for them to bring light. I can say the words "I believe in Santa Claus" fifty times a day, right? But if I don't believe that Santa Claus really exists, the syllables coming from my mouth elicit nothing.

I'm a hypocrite. I feel like I've spiraled out of control! I want to be a light--but how can I be a light when I can't accept myself? How do I tell people they are beautiful and loved and worthy and filled with purpose when I feel like a beast? The world shouts, "You're a FAKE!" and Jesus is saying, "I will help you. Hand Me your troubles. This waiting, this constant struggle, may feel like forever, but trust Me and feel My peace. I am here." Peace. Peace.

The Love Bucket

The past few weeks have been a WHIRLWIND. Waiting to start my job...starting my job...and LOVING it. I have fallen in love with my job BECAUSE I am in love with Jesus. If the Jesus you have met in the faces of His disciples has been ANYTHING but pure, unconditional, life-changing, overwhelming bucket-fulls of lavish love and truth and grace and goodness and mercy, you haven't met the Jesus I have! God loves ugly. He changes lives. He can have you bawling then laughing then crying, then floating on a beautiful river of peace. He is real. He is powerful. He knows where YOU are! God's love doesn't exist to haunt you. It's there to latch on and NEVER let go. He loves us despite our rebellion and innermost thoughts. He loves us even when we HATE and DESPISE ourselves....when we look in the mirror and make mental lists that go something like "I'm ugly, I'm fat, I'm not smart...I try and no one cares...I'm not worthy of being liked, much less loved...." He sees the beauty in the midst of ashes.

Because I know Jesus, I daily encounter an extremely tangible, healing, powerful love. I don't have to analyze and rationalize God in my HEAD because I am experiencing Him in my HEART. My new job is the perfect example. I feel Jesus with me every minute. He is wrenching my heart like a piece of metal. There is an enormous overflow of love and compassion and empathy for my patients. Patients I don't even know, yet so deeply love...My patients need encounters with Jesus. They don't need encounters with stories and facts and supposed "truth." They need The Truth. They need encounters with love. Meeting, feeling, and experiencing the personification of love Himself. If we were able to heal ourselves, we wouldn't need Jesus. But we're all desperate for something bigger than ourselves. We have, I have, a supernatural God who is waiting to supernaturally love me into who I was meant to be. Every single day He restores a little more of the soul which I thought I lost forever. He is truly opening my eyes to my passion and allowing me to see the wretched path which once laid before me.

I can't tell people how I got this job without laying my life completely at the feet of Jesus. Two weeks ago my life was entirely different. Fourteen days ago, do you hear?! I had to surrender. I had to FIGHT for PEACE. Ironic, huh? But when I did, I found myself floating on an ocean of love and grace and the most overwhelming peace I've ever known. I'm still riding on that cloud.

So don't try to attempt anything yourself. You can't. We've all gotten too good, particularly myself, at faking it. We all deserve awards for painting on smiles and happy faces to fool even those we are closest to. Isn't this what is expected? NO! So don't hide in shame. Don't let thoughts of terrible things and things outside your control tear you down. Don't let the lies that you're not worthy win over the truth that is in front of you. Don't think that something you've done has ruined you for love. It hasn't. It can't. I see that every single day. God is grieved that the shameful parts of life keep us away from all we need: Him. He does NOT expect perfection. He couldn't possibly.