Out of Despair

January 11, 2011

ONE. ELEVEN. TWO-THOUSAND-ELEVEN! Hooray. Make a wish.

Anyways, back to topic. Concentrate.

"We may not be physically paralyzed, but sometimes we may just feel as constrained by our troubles and plunged into despair. Or we may face drudgery and hopeless tedium, with no sense of purpose. In some difficulties, we may not eel as if we can pray at all. Yet whatever our feelings, if we reach out to God with a simple prayer, we will start to see His strength and presence" (Myra, 2010).

I remember when this was me. Last September, a devastating depression hit me. It took away everything: who I was, what and who made me who I was. I stopped praying. I stopped being involved with my campus ministry. I stopped seeing people. There wasn't anyone I wanted to see or talk to. I was alone. I pushed people away. I spent so much time just lying in bed, staring at a plain white wall, or staring at my ceiling. Sometimes I'd lay on my side and stare at where the carpet meets the first piece of wall. That was my life. I let studying go, I let myself go. I lost so much weight, and all I wanted to do was crawl into a hole-- a black hole, mind you-- and disappear forever. I'd thought about it. I was on my knees, writing out these insanely long 20-page prayers about how much despair I was in, and would God just please, please, please take it away? I didn't know what to do. I would sit outside on cement in jeans. Barefoot. For there hours, just staring. I was out of my mind. I stopped reading my Bible, but all the verses that I did manage to get to were about crying out to the LORD, and why doesn't He hear me?

Psalm 34:17 was one of my favorite verses that I found during that time. It says, "Is anyone crying for help? God is listening, ready to rescue you. If your heart is broken, you'll find God right there; if you're kicked in the gut, He'll help you catch your breath." Um, PHENOMENAL. Just what I needed to hear. And that was at a time when I didn't want to hear anything. I ditched out on school, literally woke up in the morning, got dressed, and went back to bed. Then I'd wake up at night, shower, and go back to bed. It was awful. I never want to be back in a place so dark, so scary, where I was fearing for my own life. I felt that the Lord was there, I just didn't have a clue on how to reach Him. I know He heard me and was reaching out but I was selfish and needed to be alone.

Anyways, my hope for all of you is that you find the hope in Christ that you DESERVE. He loves you. He has always been there for you. His love, His gift, His Son, are all sitting on that table. You just have to unwrap it to know what's inside.