I was watching Deadliest Catch tonight because it is one of my few favorite shows (in addition to Glee, So You Think You Can Dance, and medical shows). We just drove another six hours this morning and are staying at the farm for a few days. Anyways. I have just been thinking about what a stronghold emotions have on our lives, what large roles they play- especially in my own life. I have never really been one to show much emotion. Thoughts may be racing through my head at a million miles an hour, but I'm much better at putting up a front and saying, "I'm fine." I know this about myself. It's not a good habit, but it's one I'm a bit late in trying to successfully change at this point. I also let fear get in the way of goals and dreams that I have. And I know the Lord is in charge firstly of those goals and dreams. He already knows my heart. Those goals, dreams, and desires come from Him and Him only. He will hold my hand, bless my life as He has already done, and lead me in the way I should go. However, I have been blindly stumbling about, trying to figure out that path on my own. "I have been living for myself and myself only." And I have failed miserably, as I always do. This is nothing new. I can't really figure out why it's taking me so long to find complete dependence on the Lord, although I know it's truly there somewhere.While I was out on the East Coast I learned a lot about different fishing memorials and was able to take some of the most beautiful shots in all the seaport towns like Gloucester, Rockport, Cape Ann, and the marina in Salem. Life at sea is not something I know much about but I am so interested in it! For years now I have continued to grow humbled by those who live their lives at sea; and I am even more humbled by those who have lost their lives at sea. I have read three books on the Coast Guard, seen films, and written two reports about marine life for class, and in the process I learn so much more about the heart people have for the sea. I learn why it is important to them. I discover what it is that makes the Coast Guard the "forgotten" art, when truly it is one of the most amazing things I have ever come upon. I had the privilege of going to see the Academy when I was in New London and there was nothing better I could have done that day! I have tossed and toiled with the question of working as a flight nurse or civilian in the Coast Guard, even the military in general. But I have also let fear of the unknown get in the way of that dream. I find myself asking, How can all of these other people just decide to give up everything and pursue this? How can they wake up every morning and risk their lives for people they don't even know? How can they brave and survive the most horrid conditions despite the fear and danger? If I could answer that question, I have a feeling I would be doing so much more in my life. I suppose, though, there would be no plunging into the unknown if I knew everything that was going to happen. That is why I struggle. I know that I want to do something more, be something more, be someone more. The closer I get to graduation in December and internships in the spring, I wonder, Am I doing the right thing? Am I where I'm supposed to be? Am I making a difference? That is all I have ever wanted in my life: to make a difference. To me that does not mean holding a door open for an elderly couple or buying someone in line's coffee. It's something much...bigger. I'm prepared to take what God tosses at me, but what if I've already missed that opportunity? What if these feelings that He has finally propelled me to face are commands in a new direction? Am I willing to give everything up for Him like He's done for me? Am I willing to rid of all my hard work and dedication to start something new, something that may be dangerous or scary? I would hope that I would be strong enough to ask for His complete dependence.
Aly,
ReplyDeleteHi! Wow! A lot of serious, heavy things you've been pondering! That's great! You're asking wonderful, important questions, and you're coming to some crucial conclusions. . .If you could truly believe with all your heart, mind, and soul the things you've been realizing about you, God, life, etc, then you'd be on your way to finding the answers to your questions, fulfilling goals and dreams, overcoming struggles, walking with God in a way you never have before.
You have so much to offer, so much to give, such a huge heart to serve and sacrifice! Whatever big goals and dreams you have, God's goals and plans are even bigger for you! As you said, He's with you all the time, wanting to guide and lead you, wanting to enable and equip you for all that's ahead. You're never expected to do all this alone.
You asked, "How can people decide to give up everything and pursue this? How can they risk their lives for people they don't even know? How can they survive the most horrid conditions despite the fear and danger?" I don't know all the answers for everyone, but for believers, I think some of this is found in a calling from God and a commitment to Him and that calling. When God places that on our lives and gives us assurance that we are supposed to give our lives to something, He won't let us forget it. He enables us to be faithful to it, to say "yes" to it continuously, no matter how difficult or demanding it may be, and He gives us what we need to live it out.
As you look at people in the Bible, you see those who gave up everything, risked their lives, persevered through great difficulty to follow God and be obedient to His calling. (Look at Hebrews 11, especially the end of the chapter, to get a glimpse of this). I'm sure you've read of modern day people who've done the same thing; you probably know some personally who have as well. In my own life, that's what has kept me going at times--a calling God's given me and the assurance that He's with me all the time helping me to carry it out. He's so faithful as we live out this journey!
Only you and God can ultimately answer all the questions you're asking about your future, but I do know for sure the answer to one thing--you have not missed the opportunity to do "something bigger", to do whatever God may have for you, to go in other directions. It's definitely not too late! Most times, it never is too late to change or take on something new--It's just that it gets more difficult throughout our lives over time, as we take on more responsibilities, to make the changes necessary to follow a new direction, and it often requires more sacrifice. The big question becomes, "Am I willing? Am I willing to trust God to help me do whatever He's asking me to do?"
Love,
Ginger