Break Me Down

Yeah, I feel You fallin'
Like the rain against my skin
And I hear You calling
Your voice like thunder in my head
But now I am stallin'
Cause I'm afraid to let You in
Yeah come break me down with Your mercy
Come break me down again

I'm Yours tonight
I'm Yours You can break me down
Break through these walls I hide behind
I'm Yours tonight
Come and break me down
Won't You break me

(Won't You break me down, breaking me down)

I feel it inside me
I feel You underneath my skin
These walls could not hide me
They could not keep You from coming in
So now here You find me
Right back to where I began
Oh come break me down with Your mercy
Come break me down again

I'm Yours tonight
I'm Yours You can break me down
Break through these walls I hide behind
I'm Yours tonight
Come and break me down
Won't You break me down

Cause I need Your strength to feel this weak
I need Your touch to fill my need
I need Your strong hands to carry me
Take me, break me, set me free

Cause I need Your strength to feel this weak
I need Your touch to fill my need
I need Your strong hands to carry me
Take me, bring me to my knees

I'm Yours tonight
I'm Yours You can break me down
Break through these walls I hide behind
I'm Yours tonight
Come and break me down
Come and break me down
Come and break me down
Yeah won't You break me down

Devotions

Update on devotion: (1) Deuteronomy 11:18, (2) Psalm 1:3, (3) 1 Corinthians 12:4, (4) 2 Corinthians 11:4, (5) Psalm 46:4.
1. "Fix these words of Mine in your hearts and minds. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads." I think that although this chapter talks about loving and obeying the Lord, any words He reveals to us should be imprinted and fastened onto our hearts like lockets. I know how frustrating it is to feel like my slate-- which I have worked incredibly hard to fill the right way-- is wiped completely clean every night while I sleep; as if something is looming over my head, sneering its eyes and laughing as it rids of everything I've done. But when we pose the mind of a child, the heart of a child, we are at best teachable, humble, and understanding. As His Word says, "Unless we become childlike [in this sense], we will not enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

2. "He [who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked] is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither. Whatever he does prospers." A tree with withered leaves is kind of like a chicken without wings or a lamb without its bundles of soft fur. Bert without Ernie, right? What is it like to be without "that thing" that makes you you? I have a feeling that there are many chickens out there [theoretically] who are looking for their wings. There are many trees that shake from cold in dead of winter because the leaves have fallen. This kind of resembles Christians who have gone from on fire to lukewarm. I know that I have not walked the upright path of righteousness as vigorously as I should lately. While I don't "walk with the wicked," all sin and unrighteousness breaks the Lord's heart. Just as there no "little" sins or "too big" sins-- just sins. When we put God into a box He loses all His majesty, beauty, and wonder. Just like stuffing a tree into a cardboard box would surely break the branches, it's much better to let God work on His own terms.

3. "There are different kinds of gifts, but the same Spirit." Firstly, I would like to apologize for my haphazard writing, as all these thoughts are pouring into my brain. It's like my hands are on fire and I can't type fast enough. I have never been one to sit back and fully enjoy what I have Of course I know that I am blessed and have been bestowed grace and everything worthwhile in abundance-- according to what the Lord sees appropriate. But I know that many of my possessions are very dear to me. I may not be jealous for things like a relationship or a "better" job, but in the temporal things which will not leave me satisfied at the end of my life. My need for materials, like my books which comfort me to no end, stem from a source of insecurity. This I know. When have I ever been fully satisfied with who I am? The person I am has always yearned to look prettier, be skinnier, be accepted because I know where I come from. I have the highest expectations concerning modesty and things I have no control over. I am not good at accepting compliments and do not exactly enjoy receiving them. I am paranoid about people around me. What are they thinking? The list seems to go on and on. You may ask, "How have you survived to this point? What role does your faith play in your messed up brain? How do all those things relate back to 1 Corinthians 12:4?" Well, I suppose it falls under the category of "Why we shouldn't be jealous people" more than anything else. "There are different kinds of gifts, but the same Spirit." Instead of focusing on the gifts, talents, and abilities that we may not possess, why can we not find joy and comfort in knowing that what we do have is still good because it came from the Father, too? Why can't we seem to understand that, if God had created us all the same, we'd have nothing to offer to the world? Why is it so easy for us to focus on what we could use more of? As I write this I am utterly disgusted, but I know that even today, I was probably living out the exact opposite of what I'm writing here. It just happens. It's just "America," people say. They spit that nauseating sentence around as if it were the key to solving all of life's problems. Is it just one of those "I could get used to this" things we say when we have and get everything we want? Do we really need to buy plane tickets to go experience the slums and mud huts in another country? Or can we try to rat out the root of the problem here-- the only place where that problem can truly be fixed? All that said, I was thinking of Stacie Orrico's song "More to Life."

I've got it all but I feel so deprived
I go up I come down and I'm emptier inside
Tell me what is this thing that I feel like I'm missing
And why can't I let it go

[Chorus]
There's gotta be more to life
Than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me
Cause the more that I'm
Tripping out thinking there must be more to life
Well it's life but I'm sure there's gotta be more
Than wanting more

I've got the time and I'm wasting it slowly
Here in this moment I'm half way out the door
Onto the next thing I'm searching for something that's missing

[Chorus]
There's gotta be more to life
Than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me
Cause the more that I'm
Tripping out thinking there must be more to life
Well it's life but I'm sure there's gotta be more
Than wanting more

I'm wanting more
I'm always waiting on something other than this
Why am I feelin' like there's something I missed

[Chorus]
There's gotta be more to life
Than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me
Cause the more that I'm
Tripping out thinking there must be more to life
Well it's life but I'm sure there's gotta be more
Than wanting more

4. "There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy place where the most High dwells." This is tonight's devotion. This verse speaks volumes to me about God's eternal presence. The beginning of the chapter says that even if mountains are crashing into the sea (which would be pretty neat to watch from afar, I have to admit) and they are quaking in movement-- even if every nation in the world is in discord-- all the Lord has to do is speak and the earth melts. He will always be with us. For Heaven's sake, He dictates time and everything that happens in each day! In this video, Chris Tomlin writes that "what remains, what is real-- is love." Not any love, but God's love. "When hope is hard to find and faith is in decline...there is love, there is forgiveness. You will never go without love."

Jesus Gym

I was looking up an old quote tonight by Francine Rivers, reminded of how much I enjoy her merging of Scripture and her writing. It went like this: "God takes the poor, foolish things of this world to bring glory to His name." After all, Jesus wasn't exactly born in a royal hall of kings but in a stable. We are all one in Christ, lifting each other up in love as believers should. We know who the enemy is, and he is a powerful adversary who knows us nearly as well as the Lord Himself. But the Lord is with us and goes before us in battle; we need only to stand firm in faith. That is our only duty. Why is it so hard? I have written before about professional athletes who spend their long days with training at 4AM, rigorous drills, water breaks, and more practice. Why is that we, as people, yearn for water breaks when we have done no work? What would it look like if our days were filled-- not with physical training-- with training for the Lord? What about His preparations? I would take His game plan any day. And the best part is, I have chosen to accept His plan.

So this passage about "God choosing the foolish things of this world to shame the wise; He chooses the weak things to shame the strong; He chooses what is lowly to nullify what is not lowly, all so that we might not boast in anything except for Jesus Christ." Well, in quiet time tonight, I flipped to that passage exactly. Well, I first went to the concordance but my finger ended up across the title "God." Well, that is a bit generic, I think. That's like looking at one fish in the entire ocean, or one seed in the middle of a ripe watermelon. But a second later I'd moved it and it landed on 1 Corinthians 1:20. I began to read, obviously recognizing the verse. Then I kept reading and believe it or not, there was that passage that was in Francine Rivers's book. How did I happen to stumble across that twice in one evening? Obviously God was trying to tell me something. I read the verses again. Verse 20 itself almost seems contradictory: "Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world?" Jumping to verse 25, "For the foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than any man's strength." God chose on purpose that which appears unworthy, undeserving, not special, and gave it life as a result of His crazy love. His love-- not because of anything we have done, but simply because of who He is. "Let him who boasts boast in the Lord, says verse 31. We are to boast in our weaknesses, failures, and imperfections! Only then will we fall through the menacing trapdoor into His open arms. His strength, greater than any human strength will be for all eternity, will sustain us. Chapter 2 goes on to say that our faith should rest on God's power, not the wisdom of man. After all, there is no man who can fathom what the Lord has planned, who knows his future. All we know is that there is a marvelous plan in place; that we will be looked upon with love and safety.

We live in a world where social hierarchy creates oppression, which leads to everything we hear when we turn on the news. Oppression and inequality have led to bloodshed, violence, murder, and war. We have created divisions, just like plates, that pulls us from the Lord and all that He has planned. We need righteousness, holiness, and redemption in our lives. If, like 2 Corinthians 12:10 reads, we know that the strength of the Lord is carried on the lightest breeze to where we are, then we should be able to walk forward with the fullness and boldness and confidence of someone whose dependence is in the Lord.

I won't lie. It's hard to keep that dependence, especially when we consider ourselves capable of making our own decisions, leading our own lives. Just as easy as we can let another team pull the rope to win a game of Tug-O-War, we can snatch the rope back and change the game entirely. Sometimes, yes, it may be easier to call in sick, cancel that appointment, quit a job, or pack up and leave for another city in another country on another continent to escape pain and strife that comes in life. It may be easier to buy a pint of extremely unhealthy but rich-and-creamy ice cream, curl up on the sofa, and fall asleep or cry your eyes out to a sappy love film. It's easy to think that we're the only ones going through something miserable. It's easy to think that we don't have to do anything to change; like if we stare hard enough at the TV remote, it will magically float from the coffee table into our hands. Or if we sit and eat potato chips all day long at a desk job, we will become CEO's of the world's largest companies. But-- again-- that is NOT how life works.

Would we be willing to point at things and have them be eliminated because they are "bad" things, even if it meant having to deal with the consequences later? Those consequences would lead us all into even more sedentary lives than we are already famous for. We wouldn't have to work hard because we wouldn't care about progress. We wouldn't have to make efforts to be kind to people because they "probably don't like us anyways." We can venture on those self-discovery journeys without ever having to God who, ironically, created us, for His help. Yes. That would all be easier, but not worth it. I choose the good pain and heartache that results from seeking God's face over the simplicity of tossing Him aside-- taking Him for granted-- than anything else in this life.

Fire and Enzymes

Galatians 5:24 says, "Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires." This was the verse I chose at random for my quiet time last night. I was yearning to be in the Word last night. I haven't yearned for His Word in that way for quite some time. I opened to the concordance, closed my eyes, dragged my finger across the center, and then stopped. This was the verse I was pointing to. I guess doing my quiet time like that saved me from choosing the same old topic over and over again, the one that is "on my heart." Anyways, this Galatians verse really spoke to me. I prayed about it before I read it, asking that the Lord would reveal something, anything, to me so that I may be able to reflect (AKA write). This verse does not mean that passions and desires are wiped away forever; but it rather attempts to purify, align, and illuminate them in a Godly way. This purification may be what is referred to as "pruning." Pruning is one of the many ways in which God proves and reveals His overwhelming love for us, despite our sinful natures and imperfections.

Titus 2:12 says, "For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men. It teaches us to say "No" to ungodliness and worldly passions, and live self-controlled, upright, and godly lives in this present age, while we wait for the blessed hope-- the glorious appearing of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ, who gave Himself for us to redeem us from all wickedness and to purify for Himself a people that are His very own, eager to do what is good." Oddly enough, it's the last verse (that is technically not part of what I told myself to read) that strikes me. But, like I always do, I read further so that the verse might make more sense. "Jesus wants to purify for Himself a people who belong to Him." We belong to Him! And not in a negative, selfish way. We know of His love already. We know what is has done, and yet we are capable of rejecting it at the same time. This may not even be on purpose. It's like trying to build a fire with soaking wet kindling and no flint. It's like looking back on your life and asking, "Why have I missed so much? Where have I been?" That is kind of what has happened to me. That fiery furnace where the Lord used to reside at the core of me-- made me who I was-- has cooled to just an ember. I have not been searching for the Lord like I should be; and if I was, it was pretty nonchalantly. We know how it is to love something-- someone-- so much that all you want is the best. You don't want the rain or the thunder or lightning, you just want the rainbow that follows. But life doesn't work that way, as we know. That said, can you just try to imagine what love the Lord has for us that we can't even fathom? We can't even recognize His love half the time. Our brains are the mere size of ants. This is what makes His love all the more crazy, all the more sweet and necessary, all the more out-of-this-world. We don't need all the answers all the time. We don't have to understand. If we were to understand without question there would be no fulfillment in the declaration of faith. We have just have to know that it feels so darn good to be loved by Him. We can't refuse it; not after what He has done for us. I want His love so much that it flies off the charts. Better than any human's love, and too great to ever be cured.

Eat, Pray, Love

I've been thinking a lot as I read "Eat Love Pray." The first thing I think is: Elizabeth Gilbert is a genius! She is absolutely brilliant! I have been writing nearly all my life and still don't have the means to write a book like this even though I see so much of myself in her character. I have taken notes as I go along, especially in the chapters where I find myself saying, "I just told that to myself the other day," or as she quotes, "I've been there before." One of my favorite blocks from her comes from Book Two: India. It reads:

"Nobody ever died from splitting up. It's the emotional recoil that kills you, the shock of stepping off the track of a conventional lifestyle and losing all the embracing comforts that keep so many people on that track forever. To create a family with a spouse is one of the most fundamental ways a person can find continuity and meaning in American society. I rediscover this truth every time I ... see how everyone is held so reassuringly in their positions over the years. First you are a child, then you are a teenager, then you are a young married person, then you are a parent, then you are retired, then you are a grandparents-- at every stage you know who you are, you know what your duty is and you know where to sit at the family reunion. Who are you? How many people have I heard claim their children as the greatest accomplishment and comfort of their lives? It's the thing they can always lean on during a metaphysical crisis, or a moment of doubt about their relevancy-- If I have done nothing else in this life, then at least I have raised my children well.

"But what if, either by choice or by reluctant necessity, you end up not participating in this comforting cycle of family and continuity? What if you step out? Where do you sit at the reunion? How do you mark time's passage without the fear that you've just frittered away your time on Earth without being relevant? You'll need to find another purpose, another measure by which to judge whether or not you have been a successful human being. I love children, but what if I don't have any? What kind of person does that make me?"

Now that is something that I find myself thinking about quite often, more often than I should. It all goes back to me having this fear of what I'm feeling. That fear is the same fear that I wrote about only yesterday; the fear that keeps me from doing what I would consider a possible "vocation." And as I wrote yesterday as well, my biggest fear is being unsuccessful. But I suppose I've rendered myself "unsuccessful" by my own standards and not God's standards. When I ask those "What if" questions all the time I just find reason to consume my mind and heart with non-Godly-isms. That is definitely not something I want to keep doing. Maybe I, like Elizabeth, shall take a year off and do something; leave here; go anywhere but this country. Not that there is anything wrong with this country, but haven't I found such a monotonous peace that life seems almost (I hate to say it) ... boring? There is that possibility. Maybe I need to get away in order to gain new life experiences. I need to lose more to see what I have. I need to find a way to find myself through the Lord again. I used to know, and then I somehow fell directly off the cliff into a foreign land. I've been straining my neck to see where I am. I have been trying to find my way home. But like I said, I need God's help. Maybe this book that I randomly decided to pick up is just a sign from the Lord. Maybe it's just what I needed. And knowing God, He is always right and good.

Humbled

I was watching Deadliest Catch tonight because it is one of my few favorite shows (in addition to Glee, So You Think You Can Dance, and medical shows). We just drove another six hours this morning and are staying at the farm for a few days. Anyways. I have just been thinking about what a stronghold emotions have on our lives, what large roles they play- especially in my own life. I have never really been one to show much emotion. Thoughts may be racing through my head at a million miles an hour, but I'm much better at putting up a front and saying, "I'm fine." I know this about myself. It's not a good habit, but it's one I'm a bit late in trying to successfully change at this point. I also let fear get in the way of goals and dreams that I have. And I know the Lord is in charge firstly of those goals and dreams. He already knows my heart. Those goals, dreams, and desires come from Him and Him only. He will hold my hand, bless my life as He has already done, and lead me in the way I should go. However, I have been blindly stumbling about, trying to figure out that path on my own. "I have been living for myself and myself only." And I have failed miserably, as I always do. This is nothing new. I can't really figure out why it's taking me so long to find complete dependence on the Lord, although I know it's truly there somewhere.

While I was out on the East Coast I learned a lot about different fishing memorials and was able to take some of the most beautiful shots in all the seaport towns like Gloucester, Rockport, Cape Ann, and the marina in Salem. Life at sea is not something I know much about but I am so interested in it! For years now I have continued to grow humbled by those who live their lives at sea; and I am even more humbled by those who have lost their lives at sea. I have read three books on the Coast Guard, seen films, and written two reports about marine life for class, and in the process I learn so much more about the heart people have for the sea. I learn why it is important to them. I discover what it is that makes the Coast Guard the "forgotten" art, when truly it is one of the most amazing things I have ever come upon. I had the privilege of going to see the Academy when I was in New London and there was nothing better I could have done that day! I have tossed and toiled with the question of working as a flight nurse or civilian in the Coast Guard, even the military in general. But I have also let fear of the unknown get in the way of that dream. I find myself asking, How can all of these other people just decide to give up everything and pursue this? How can they wake up every morning and risk their lives for people they don't even know? How can they brave and survive the most horrid conditions despite the fear and danger? If I could answer that question, I have a feeling I would be doing so much more in my life. I suppose, though, there would be no plunging into the unknown if I knew everything that was going to happen. That is why I struggle. I know that I want to do something more, be something more, be someone more. The closer I get to graduation in December and internships in the spring, I wonder, Am I doing the right thing? Am I where I'm supposed to be? Am I making a difference? That is all I have ever wanted in my life: to make a difference. To me that does not mean holding a door open for an elderly couple or buying someone in line's coffee. It's something much...bigger. I'm prepared to take what God tosses at me, but what if I've already missed that opportunity? What if these feelings that He has finally propelled me to face are commands in a new direction? Am I willing to give everything up for Him like He's done for me? Am I willing to rid of all my hard work and dedication to start something new, something that may be dangerous or scary? I would hope that I would be strong enough to ask for His complete dependence.

Catching Up

Well, it has been QUITE awhile since I posted on here. I've racked my brain trying to think of something that has happened to me that would be worthy of writing about. But besides my body acting like it doesn't want to be a body, and vacations comprised of sitting in either a car or a canoe, there is not too much. I have, however, taken a LOT of photographs from the trips, and I think I should post some more. The aboves are from this past week in the Boundary Waters; the ones below are only a billionth of the 400 some I took while on the East Coast starting July first. Enjoy!