Doubts

The reality of life is that it is never a done deal. Its components are never certain. You can feel called to something- you can go after it- but sometimes it just won't work out. I have come up against doubts in everything I've ever wanted to do. I went after some of these things, and I gave others up. I regret allowing others to influence my success. I wasn't passionate enough about music, even though it fills every aspect of my life. I wasn't 'smart' enough to pursue medicine, even though I took coursework for it for nearly 3 semesters before giving up. I have never been defined by giving up. It's not something I like to do. So why do I let the world around me influence me? The past few months I've really been struggling with whether or not to pursue ministry. I have looked at Master's programs for worship arts, youth ministry, and global leadership. I told my dad about my plans to apply for 5 different programs I'd been looking at, and all the doubts that I thought God had given me peace about, came flooding back. He knows that I want to travel; that my heart needs to be sustained by the love and joy that come from those around the world who may have nothing. I have been blessed with things my entire life. What do I know of the sufferings of these people? The one thing I know is that I NEED to experience this. When will it be my turn? So I told my dad all of these things, and all he could think about was the comfort access. "Well, you don't eat meat. Could you really survive there? Would you be OKAY living there for weeks, months? There are a lot of issues you need to work through before your mom and I allow you to do that...." "How long can someone work in youth ministry? What will you still be doing when you're 40, 50 years old?" "What is the average salary for someone like that? Maybe $20,000 a year? I mean, that's okay, but...." And all of these dumb doubts just come flooding back! I thought I had such a peace about ministry. I really felt called to it; that I had finally found the thing I was supposed to do: invest in the lives of people.

So now I'm back to the drawing board, re-considering medicine, which is CRAZY. I gave up nursing because I felt too stupid to be admitted into the program. I put myself through misery for 3 semesters of pre-reqs, only to tell myself that I was one of maybe 50 that would get in, out of hundreds of applicants. Not to mention that science and math were NOT my strong suits. I was meant to pursue English or the arts; or History; or something else. Music. Not math and science. So I felt comfortable changing my major to Human Services and Community Health. This still allowed me to focus on health and community leadership, but from aspects such as family structure, poverty, socioeconomic status. But somewhere inside, I was still yearning to be in medicine. It was my dream to be a surgeon or work as an emergency nurse. I have lived my life putting academic pressure on myself. I define who I am by my grades and how much homework I can do. If I receive a B grade, I have failed. I know it's not a healthy way to try to succeed without crossing repeated disappointment, but it's how I function. I strive to do well.
So now I'm looking at going back into science. I feel like I'm losing my mind, going crazy for thinking to attempt this again. I sent a request for information for an MS in Clinical Sciences with an emphasis in Critical Care/Emergency. I don't know if I am giving in and going back, or accepting doubts about ministry. I really have no idea, but I know I don't like this feeling that I have in my heart. It hurts. I've tried so hard to allow the Lord to lead me, and I was successful with it for the first time this semester, praying each day that God would just give me strength to get through that day and that day only; that He would lead me boldly and confidently and with love. So what am I doing wrong? Where am I supposed to go? What am I supposed to be pursuing?

Shining as Stars

When I look into the painted sky
I see so many colors
They're all a part of Your design
It's such a brilliant display

I love the way the stars shine for You
And every single mountain bows down
I love the way the universe is singing Your song
So I'll try to sing along

Looking up into the dark blue night
I'm in awe of Your power
The way the moon pulls the ocean's tide
You are never contained

I love the way the stars shine for You
And every single mountain bows down
I love the way the universe is singing Your song
So I'll try to sing along

All the world is singing Your song
I raise my voice and sing along

I love the way the stars shine for You
I love the way the stars shine for You

I love the way the stars shine for You
And every single mountain bows down
I love the way the universe is singing Your song

I love the way the stars shine for You
And every single mountain bows down
I love the way the universe is singing Your song

This song is amazing! I have it on repeat and have been listening to it for hours. The music never gets old, and the lyrics are really powerful. At Bible study tonight, we discussed the book of Philippians. We're working through one chapter a week, and so tonight was numero dos. The chapter centered around "imitating Christ's humility" and "shining as stars." Philippians 2:4 reads, "Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others." This is what love is: other-person focused; constantly uplifting and encouraging one other to grow. We can grow in a number of different ways, and this is pretty evident by some of the lessons we learn and fail at over and over again. When we look at the life of Jesus, we see that He "did not consider equality with God something to be grasped," but instead reduced Himself to nothing and then died for each and every one of us. How beautiful of an image is THAT?!

The second section of this chapter focuses on how we truly become God's beloved children. We will "shine like stars in the universe as we hold out the word of life." That is another beautiful image to me. I think of how I hate darkness and being in it. As soon as I light a candle or turn on the smallest light, I am comforted. This is how the Lord's love is. We're constantly tossed around in this dark place. We're easily confused, angry, frustrated, and our faith becomes stagnant. We are fine with settling, as long as we know "Christ will still be there no matter what." But I want to fully experience God's love. I need Him to BE my light. "It is God who works in YOU to will and to act according to His good purpose." His GOOD purpose. This means that He knows what He's doing, and we don't, plain and simple. I love thinking that He created this entire universe, and as Christians we're called to light up the world. So amazing!

Abundance

Climb the mountains and get their good tidings. Nature's peace will flow into you as sunshine flows into trees. The winds will blow their own freshness into you, and the storms their energy, while cares will drop off like autumn leaves. -John Muir

I truly believe this! I spent last Saturday hiking in beautiful Estes Park with my cousin. Both of us were fascinated by God's beauty; she had never been into Estes, and I had not had the time to go hiking since the Mt. Evans 14'er my freshman year. I felt so many things during those few hours. On the way up, I just had this stream of thoughts passing through my head. I had the clearest air in my lungs, a camera in hand, and no sense of anything that needed accomplishment (such as homework) except for reaching the destination, Gem Lake. When we finally reached the lake, I was able to relax and know that God is who He says He is. He will give peace, if only I ask for it. If I ask anything in His name, it shall be given mercifully. I sat on that rock by the lake and just closed my eyes. I really couldn't help but smile.


God is good all the time. There are no exceptions. I am amazed-- not at my failures, which are abundant-- but at the abundance of God's grace. Time and time again I have found myself in prayer only when I needed to be. But what does that mean? Was I only praying when I literally didn't think I could get through this semester; when hopes of finding an internship and graduating were put on hold? I certainly hope not. But irregardless, the Lord was faithful to me. He gave me hope when I had none. I have continually said this for over the past year when, last September, everything came crashing down. The demands of life took hold of me, and plunged me underwater. These daily demands were not afraid to see me fail, that was for sure, but the Lord still picked me up and carried me through the fire. That is such a beautiful image for me- imagining my Father being the One to carry me when I can't hold myself up. Just as a car won't run unless you fill it with gas, I need to be filled with the Holy Spirit. God is constantly leading me. Each day, I try to find something new. I try to change my attitude and perspective just a little more. I try to look back and see what He has done in my life, and that list is never-ending!

You're Beautiful

Days will come when you don't have the strength
When all you hear is you're not worth anything
Wondering if you ever could be loved
And if they truly saw your heart, they'd see too much

You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are made for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are treasured, you are sacred, you are His
You're beautiful

Praying that you have the heart to fight
Cause you are more than what is hurting you tonight
For all the lies you've held inside so long
They are nothing in the shadow of the cross

You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are made for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are treasured, you are sacred, you are His
You're beautiful

Before you ever took a breath
Long before the world began
Of all the wonders He possessed
There was one more precious
Of all the earth and skies above
You're the one He madly loves enough to die

You're beautiful
You're beautiful in His eyes

You're beautiful
You are made for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You are treasured, you are sacred, you are His
You're beautiful

You're beautiful
You are made for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are treasured, you are sacred, you are His

What Can I Do?

What can I do but offer this heart, O God, completely to You?

For most of my life, I always felt a little out of place. When it came to common sense things, I was a little behind. But when it came to who I really thought I was and what I wanted to do, I was always ahead. I was a pretty passionate person, always striving to look outside the box. I did more than I had to, and I still do. Going above and beyond was my motto for my entire life, especially when it came to schoolwork. I was thinking ahead in terms of careers when I was still in elementary school. The first time I told someone I wanted to go into music someday, I was turned down. Given that I was probably only 12 or 13, it was still a blow to the heart. I thought, Why not? Is something wrong? I was told that I'd never make it- that the people who would go on to be successful were much better than I was, that they practiced more, that they were the ones who really had passion. That was hurtful. I moved on and found myself wanting to go into creative writing. I wanted to write my own books. I had been doing that for a few years already, but never showed them to anyone. Writing was an escape for me. I was easily lost in words and often had no endings in site for what I did write. Again, I was told the same things I had for music. I moved from option to option, trying to land on something that I could choose. After most of my choices had been exhausted, I ended up entering UNC as a pre-nursing major. I felt that I had forced myself into going into the medical field. I was interested, yes, and felt I could develop a passion for nursing. I knew I loved helping people and that blood and guts didn't bother me. After a semester and a half of taking pre-reqs, I discovered that I did like nursing- but I wanted to be more hands on. The idea of sitting in a small clinic, taking blood pressure and entering weight into a computer didn't phase me, and I wanted more, so I started taking classes to be a physician's assistant. This didn't work either. I felt out of place- the passion was there, but I was not tangibly successful. The coursework was grueling and the world kept telling me I would never be able to make it. I dropped both of those things and went into human services. This was where I thought I had found my passion. It was the perfect career- world focused, helpful to people, and broad enough so I could choose a concentration. I chose health, allowing me to focus on things like epidemiology, population-specific illness and disease, nutrition, poverty, socioeconomic status, etc. Those were the things I cared about. I had always had this passion to go work for Doctors Without Borders. My ideal job was living in a hut in Africa, helping people work through disease and prevention. I had the opportunity to finally apply for a mission trip last winter, but then everything came crashing down. I won't go into detail about what happened, but that application I had spent so much time on, those phone calls I had made, those things I had planned around, fell through. It was recommended that I not go on the trip, and it broke my heart. From there, I gave it up. I had been feeling for a long time that I wasn't supposed to go- that there were better people than me who could. Whenever I talked with someone about my passion to just go, I got the feeling I was judged for it. It didn't feel right. Again, that hurt, and I asked God why this kept happening. I had let fear and other people's thoughts completely shut me down. I found myself sitting at home that break, knowing people were all over the world and serving, but I wasn't.

I suppose the problem was that I didn't really know how to mobilize myself. I treasured my life, my blessings, and I didn't want to lose those things. I was literally afraid of losing my life if I went overseas. Here in America, we are bombarded with safety. We all know of places that are unsafe and a little uncomfortable to be in- but to live in conditions where fear is a staple- I had never known that. When I first became involved with the Invisible Children organization in 2005/2006, I was overwhelmed with their passion. I watched the Rough Cut video at a church seminar and fell in love with it. I have followed their updates since. I participated in The Rescue in Denver last fall, and was blessed with the opportunity of hearing some staff members speak at UNC tonight. I met a girl who had come straight from Uganda, along with her mentor. I approached her after the seminar and was just overwhelmed by hearing her story and watching IC's videos. I realized that giving up my passions to serve overseas was the dumbest thing I'd ever done. I instantly wanted to talk to this girl more, but was lucky to get a few minutes. This was one of those situations in which I felt helpless. I knew that the people that had attended the seminar with me felt the same way, and wanted to go tell more people about it like I did. But how? I almost felt outside my own body, like I didn't know who to tell about this. I was convicted throughout the night, thinking back to the conditions that these people in Uganda survive through each minute. Each minute is lived in fear, and there are children who have seen too much before they are even double digits in age. They can survive on ONE dollar a day, and I complain that gas is too expensive and that I already cut into November's stipend the last week of October. I wanted to slap myself, punch myself, anything. But I realized that keeping my passion at my own level was what I needed to do- not let it go, but realizing that my willingness to make these issues and this organization aware and appealing- make me who I am. These are the things that I care about. And the only way organizations like these will make a difference is if we speak out. We underestimate our abilities to change circumstance. I realized tonight that by letting fear and other people's opinions influence what I want to do, that I am stuck in the same hopeless situations many people are- people who cannot fight for themselves. It's a tragedy, and I want to change it. Anyways. I know this was a long entry, but there were things I felt tonight that I've wanted to say for many months. Thanks for listening!

Psalm 32:8-10 says, "I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go. I will counsel you and watch over you. Do not be like the horse or the mule, which have no understanding but must be controlled by bit and bridle or they will not come to you. Many are the woes of the wicked, but the Lord's unfailing LOVE surrounds the man who TRUSTS in Him."

Hope Lives On

The Lord never fails to amaze me. Once again, I spent the semester worrying about finding an internship. Given that He made me wait until my materials were nearly due, He still provided, and I am grateful. I've realized a lot about where He wants me to go and who He wants me to be working with. I had to give up everything that I wanted for myself, in order for Him to reveal Himself through me. Because I did that, I knew something was going to happen- something big. We may feel that we were designed with our own dreams, desires, and hopes. We think we know what we want, and we go for it. But how many times have we begun the race at full speed, only to trip over a pebble in the dirt? How could something so small throw us off completely? Maybe it's something like love, or realizing the Lord calling you to serve in another country. Maybe it's realizing you have to leave everything behind to pursue something different. How many times have we had to look back and ask what went wrong? I know I've had to do this more than I've wanted to. The Lord loves me, and He has graciously given me mercy in this world. He has given me the rights to who I am, yes, but ultimately I have to give it back.

I have read time and time again that we cannot stay the way we are and go with God. We can try, but we fail. And when we fail- when we lose our way- we fall to our knees. Sometimes the only way the soul can cry out is in this position. I have been broken down the past year. Exactly 12 months ago my life was a shred away from being nothing, and I was on my knees. I tried to give the Lord everything I could, but it made things even more painful. I asked God why I had to experience things, and what joy He could possibly obtain from watching me suffer. But the thing is, we all suffer. To every degree, life is not perfect. It will never be perfect. Learning to accept trials and tribulations, as 2 Corinthians 12:10 says- "Because of Christ, I am pleased in weaknesses, insults, catastrophes, persecutions and pressures. For when I am weak, I am strong."

This was something I came up with and wrote tonight. I have times when I have a pen and paper in my hand seconds before I lose what I was thinking. I know I can't put music to it, but it really spoke to me. It made me think about where I was the second week of August, when I came to school. I was miserable, asking myself if I could even make it until Thanksgiving. And now Thanksgiving is nearly here, and I have 5 weeks until everything changes drastically. I wasn't sure how I felt about it, but I know God has a plan through it all.

Are you lost
Are you down
Are you wondering if it's worth it

I've been there
I know the pain that comes with waiting
You can get through this

There is light
There is strength
The Lord's love increases
And hope lives on

We question why
We must experience life
In order to get somewhere

We think we know it all
We can get through it alone
Sacrifice others for ourselves

There is light
There is strength
The Lord's love increases
And hope lives on

There will be a day
Because the Lord wastes nothing
He has created life from chaos

He has sustained us
Given us love and mercy
When we have deserved none

There is light
There is strength
The Lord's love increases
And hope lives on

There is understanding
There is compassion
The Lord's love believes in us
And hope lives on